HEEEEEEEEY! ...
Overall Album Score: 2.6 out of 10 Don Ignacio's Last Will and Testament To whom it may concern, this is the last will and testament of Don Ignacio dated March 29, 2004, AD. After having listened to Arabesque II by the little known German Europop band, Arabeque, I decided it was a good time to end my life. The album was really awful, but the fact that they included another version of "Hello, Mr. Monkey" at the end of it is really what made me want to kick the bucket a little bit earlier than I should have. I was going to commit suicide inside of my bathtub via electrocution with a toaster, but I couldn't find an extension cord. I'm still wet and my fingers are really wrinkly from sitting there all morning trying to figure out how to power the toaster without using electricity (I tried rubbing two bars of soap together over the plug, but ... I think you know). Nevertheless, I decided that I should write a last will and testament considering that I'm not a minor and I have some stuff that people might want. After writing this, I think I'm going to try stabbing my temples with two forks. I have no children, but if somebody should seduce my corpse and develop children, then they are entitled to all of my possessions. My property includes about 84 blank CD-R's, 20 cans of Diet Coke (I've got Lemon flavored and Lime flavored), two gerbils (the cage belongs to my parents), a worn photograph of Ethel Merman (not naked) in my wallet, and about $74 in my checking account. Likewise, I do not have a wife, but if someone were to marry my corpse (before it rots), then they would be entitled to all the aforementioned property. Unless anyone can claim to be my posthumous child or posthumous wife, then I wish for my property be auctioned off and the funds may be divided amongst honorable charities that begin with the letter "Q." With the $74 in my checking account, I wish to establish a foundation that will periodically purchase Star Wars figurines to donate to male K-State college students to play with. I used to be a male K-State college student, and Star Wars figurines is something that I might have appreciated. I know it was kind of a sudden thing for me to commit suicide all of the sudden, but what can I say? Nobody loves me, and I've had "Hello, Mr. Monkey" stuck in my head for weeks. AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOREEEEEE!!!!!!!! Farewell, cruel recording industry! Signed, DON IGNACIO P.S. (It is entirely useless for me to review Arabesque albums, and there is really no reason for me to touch them. But I have them, so I shall touch them ... all over. And this one is BAD! BAAAD! DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVERRRRR LISTEN TO THIS PIG'S GARBAGE!!! I HATE ARABESQUE AND THEIR STUPID NAUSEATING EUROPOOP!!!!! And they're also German. Although, I don't know why that would totally be relevant. They're not Swedish. ABBA was Swedish. And ABBA good. Arabesque German. Arabesque BAD. Arabesque also steal stuff from ABBA. And the Beatles. And The Who. And from all sorts of other bands that I probably wasn't keen enough to spot. Arabesque notting but a bunch of stupid song-stealing doodies! Dat doesn't make me feel bad dat I downloaded all of dese!) For the record, I do know that they aren't COMPLETELY German. Also note that Sandra and Jasmin Elizabeth Vetter joined the group at this point. I'm not sure what exactly compelled the band managers to replace them with these people. They obviously have zero talent just like the people they replaced! Sandra wears false teeth, I'm almost positive. I re-looked at that close picture of her face, and those teeth look FAKE! I think I'm going to the media with this discovery. Oh! And Michaela Rose is still in charge of the gas turbines! I was kind of hoping that they used these gas turbines to stick their heads into, but ... Overall Album Score: 2.6 out of 10 (Yikes! This was even much worse than the Arabesque debut album! This one is full of crappy melodies and *shudders* stolen sections from other artists' material. I guess I review a band like Arabesque to prove to people that there are such albums that score at low, low levels on my scale.) Average Song Score: 3.4 (HAH HAH! A 3.4?!?!??! That's woooonderful!!!! The best song on here might be about Satan-worshipping, by the way.) Album Tilt: 2.5 (Poop.) Artist Rating: 2.0 (Poo-pee.) Track Reviews Peppermint Jack 0/10 All of the band's self-proclaimed hits are about the suckiest songs on whole freaking planet! AND !!!!!!!!!! ARRGGGG!!!!!!! DON'T LISTEN TO THIS SONG, EITHER, BECAUSE IT'S SO STUPID AND IT WILL GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD!!!!!! And ... holy crap ... this one even has ***much*** less merit than "Hello, Mr. Monkey." That's pretty darn awful crap. (The lyrics are so awful that they're FUNNY. ... They might be racist, too, but I doubt it was anything deliberate.) This song has the distinction of being one of the VERY FEW 0-scoring tracks that I've ever had the unfortunate duty to award. (Or, I guess *fortunate* duty, because I'm sadistic.) In the Heat of the Disco Night 5/10 MUCH less nauseating than "Peppermint Jack," surprisingly, even though this is a disco song and the other one was a Europop song. The melody doesn't suck, really. The instrumentation doesn't suck. Yes, this is an awful song that is actually nauseating, but since it comes after "Peppermint Jack," you'll probably find out that you're enjoying it instead of hating it. Rock Me After Midnight 7/10 Parts of this song are lifted DIRECTLY from ABBA's "Mamma Mia." The only reason that I know this is because I have "Mamma Mia" almost completely memorized, and it's just stark obvious. That makes me wonder how much of Arabesque's other songs are directly stolen from somebody else. That said, this is a fairly enjoyable song ... Hey! If "Peppermint Jack" is the best 'original' song you can come up with, steal from somebody else and make a good song! (Holy crap! You've got to read these lyrics to believe me how bloody stupid they are.) Lucifer's Lover 7.5/10 This is too good to be original, but I'll never know where they stole it from! (Or maybe I'm wrong and this is an original song ... who knows?) Well, this is a good song. It has nice hooks, good instrumentation ... I won't say that they're good singers. I can't give it anything more than a 7.5, because it isn't complex or interesting enough. But still. This is entirely listenable. (Is this song about Satan worshipping????? ... HOLY CRAPPP!!!! ... I'm sure these guys were being naïve, but, oh man ... it's a good thing they never became world-famous or they might have had some problems.) Dancing in the Fire of Love 4/10 They lifted the first chords of this song DIRECTLY from The Who's Tommy. And, it's absolutely stupid that they did this, because everybody who would be so danged weird enough to scout out albums by this stupid Europop band would certainly have listened to Tommy. And it's completely shameless too! It's as if they just had a copy of that album and just recorded it onto this track! It's IDENTICAL! Besides which, it had nothing to do with this actual song, so there was no reason for them to do that. Maybe they were hoping for a sweet lawsuit so that they would get press or something. (And that last track with the Satan worshipping lyrics ... Have I unintentionally uncovered a conspiracy??? ... SWEET!!!) It's So Hard to Leave You 3.5/10 Hmmm... I can't decipher any hidden meaning into these lyrics or identify any lifted lines from other musicians' albums (even though there are probably a few). And besides. This song sucks, anyway. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!! Germans suck! ... I mean German Europop bands that were popular in Japan suck. Hell Driver 3/10 It took me BLEEDING FOREVER to figure out where they stole this riff from! After about 12 hours or something, I FINALLY figured out that this is the exact same riff as The Beatles' "Get Back." Are these guys shameless or what??? That said, the melody has some hooks in it ... the riff they stole was a good one ... But the song is still an absolute mess. And I can't get over the fact that they stole mercilessly from poor old Paul, who is my hero, pretty much. There was also no reason why they had to drag this one out for 5 minutes. That was stupid. I docked the song score a full point for that. City Cats 0.5/10 If Arabesque stole this song from anybody, I'm sure they would be embarrassed to the high heavens. All aspects of this song suck everything in the world that's attached to something. This isn't as annoyingly awful as "Peppermint Jack" mostly because it doesn't have a melody that'll get stuck in your head (unless, I guess, you listen to it multiple times ... I don't know why you'd do that, though). Anyway, this song isn't any better than city cat poo. Don't Kiss a Crocodile 3/10 ...don't listen to this song, either. Don't kiss a crocodile, Baby
Babe, don't look at her too long
(Repeat) Babe, her teeth are much too near
Oh-oh-oh-stay away
(Repeat) Baby, na na na na na na For more laughs, visit this site that has lots more Arabesque lyrics! Plastic Heart 4/10 THIS SONG IS POOP! I must admit, though, that I'm memorized by the oscillating synths. (I was also memorized by ocelot poop, but that's a different story that I'm pretty sure you're not interested in.) Hello, Mr. Monkey 0/10 I think I'm going to kill myself. I know I gave this a 4 in my review of Arabesque, and this is a "bonus track," but ... I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm including this in the overall song score, because I'm freaking pissed off. Heeeeeeeey, Peppermint Jack, Send me some flack here. somar@gerriets.com (Jasmin Elisabeth Vetter) received May 1, 2004 Well, it is hard to start, I am Jasminīs Husband " the Jasmin of Arabesque " and I was trying to put her mood up and show her all the great things she did in the past and we found your elaborate comments about the band AND as I am writing to you to inform you that she is in the bath tub with a toaster and the right extension however her kids " my kids " are trying to stop her " not a good idea " however if they manage I will produce a comeback show called Hello Mr. Monkey and would invite you to play the role of the Monkey. You can have more info about Jasminīs after arabesque carreer which started 1988 at www.sherinyousri.com and by the way she agrees with you on your artistic view of the music and the Album but hates to remind that they made a lot of cash selling that trash and if people like you had any influence on the industry or the public you would have more than 70$ in your wallet at the end of your mortal life. So next time you invest so much time listning to Albums like HELLO MR. MONKEY and need the right extention to assist you commit suicide, send me an e-mail and I will make sure you get one by DHL. In the mean time we wish you all the best of luck next time around and I am sure we will here from each other soon Don Ignacio Responds: Dear Husband of Jasmin Elizabeth Vetter of Arabesque, First of all, I am very envious of you. Second of all, I would absolutely love to play the role of the monkey! Please let me know when and where! While I have you on the line, could either you or Jasmin Elizabeth Vetter tell me what the gas turbines were all about? I listen to these songs, and I don't hear gas turbines. I am rather curious. With much love and really looking forward to playing the monkey, --Michael Lawrence P.S. (Thanks for the extension cord offer, but the forks-in-the-temples worked just fine.) P.P.S. (Sorry about the negative review. But I still have "Hey Peppermint Jack" stuck in my head, so you've already gotten your revenge.) damita@omantel.net.om (dina) received Oct. 29, 2004 Dear Don,
Don Ignacio responds: I'm afraid the forks-in-the-temples didn't work very well as I thought it might. After I finished writing this review, I took some forks out of my mother's silverware drawer, and gave my temples a stab. I thought that I died, originally, but when I noticed that I still had a pulse, I realized that it didn't quite work. Anyway, don't you worry. My clock is still ticking, and if irate relative of former bandmembers don't get to me first, I'll think of a more lasting form of suicide. Do you have any bright ideas? Thank you for your concern. |
All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. Arggggh! He is the evil crocodile who DOESN'T LIKE YOU!
