Arabesque's Golden Nugget of Poo
Overall Album Score: 5.1 out of 10 O, Arabesque. What a qualm thy hast had with thee! I hath listened to thy music, and it hath sucked. Thy music hath made me want to tare outeth mine own testicles, it was so foul. One time in particular, it hath inspired me to inscribe a suicide note in response to one of thy albums and hath receiveth a letter from Jasmin Elizabeth Vetter's irate husband. We had some monumentally crappy times together ... and as I were biting my lips, preparing for the worst for thy fourth album startlingly entitled Arabesque IV, I were hit with surprise. There were some genuinely warm moments in thy album. Previous to this, I hath never giveth an Arabesque song more than a 7.5. But there was songs that deserveth an 8! I giveth an 8 not once, not twice, and not thrice ... but four-ice! (I haven't read enough Shakespeare.) Of course, most of the other songs sucketh my extremities, but still. I was quite taken aback! Alright. Enough of that stupid Shakespearean poo. For an album to get an overall score of something over a five after listening to this band's first three desecrations to society, is almost like asking Aerosmith to write Let it Bleed! But it happened! And pigs flew! Really ... if Arabesque would have removed all the utter crap in this album (which comprises of half the album), they might have had a halfway decent EP. But, of course, I don't think this band is capable of telling good from bad, so ... But they did have a few very decent songs in here. So, the outlook on Planet Earth isn't so hopeless after all! Old Yeller might live! Hooray! Overall Album Score: 5.1 out of 10 (Arabesque's Sgt. Pepper. That's not really a compliment, but at the same time, it *is* a compliment! ... I am a freak, aren't I?) Average Song Score: 5.9 (What's this??? The 'average song score' almost passed! And that's not 'passed gas' we're talking about, either. There are some genuinely solid pop songs in here. Of course, there are as many pieces of genuine crap in here, but still. How shocking.) Album Tilt: 5.0 (There's really too much crap in this album to consider it a 'good one,' but ... dude. This album didn't totally blow.) Artist Rating: 4.5 (Relatively speaking, this was a vast artistic high for Arabesque. But this is still stupid Europop from an "I WANT MONEY" band that, incidentally, no not-Japanese person has ever heard of.) Track Reviews Make Love Whenever You Can 8/10 It's interesting that a girl band would sing a song called "Make Love Whenever You Can." Are they nymphomaniacs or something? How awesome! I wish I were an Arabesque groupie! ... Okay, this is actually a halfway decent song with *gasp* hooks! And ... get this ... these "hooks" won't haunt the song-appreciating part of your brain for all eternity. I've forgotten this song already! This is actually satisfactory. We should have it stuffed! Keep the Wolf From the Door 6/10 Junk! (Oh man ... these lyrics are total poop! And they're making me laugh! I'm thinking about becoming the next Santa Claus, I'm laughing so jollily!) Uhhhhh ... The melody here is so contrived that it isn't funny. And the instrumentation is very dated ... the singing is really dopey. I think I'm going to go smoke some crack now. I Don't Wanna Have Breakfast With You 8/10 OH MAN!!!! THIS TRACK TITLE IS SO FUNNY THAT IT'S ALMOST BRILLIANT!!! (And those lyrics! Oh man! Life is great!) That is, I would decry it as brilliant if I didn't already know that Arabesque consists of utter cretins. Alright, even though this song's lyrics are as stupid as anything on this planet, the melody has a few hooks in it, and the song comes fairly close to being immaculate. It just needed some tweaking from Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus to be *real* good. But just the fact that I'm comparing this to ABBA should speak tiny volumes about it. Nights in the Harbour 7/10 More junk. This song seems to aim much farther than "I Don't Wanna Have Breakfast With You," and in some respects, it succeeds. But this is so close to clunking that it isn't funny. It's a good thing that this has a somewhat tolerable melody ... if only it didn't repeat so much. Hey What a Magic Night 2/10 Oh brother ... some people should just stick with Euro-pop. This fake 50s dance pop-rock song puts all the cool 50s pop musicians to shame. Most of them were in shame anyway, but this makes their movement look like total poo. (And this is the first truly vomit-inducing song in this whole album ... frankly, I'm surprised that it didn't happen until the fifth track. Arabesque must be improving.) Midnight Dancer 8/10 Holy moly! Arabesque wasn't quite ready to delve into acidic vomit quite yet. This is actually a very solid Euro-pop song! How the bloody heck to you figure on something like this? Whoever wrote this song really deserves a cigar and a handshake from me. This is a remarkably catchy song with a neat riff that does seem to repeat a lot, but it doesn't get too monotonous. Hmm ... yes. This is really quite solid. Hi Hi Highway 8/10 This is verrrrry similar to "Midnight Dancer," but ... heck! This is a good song, too! What a neat riff! I mean ... it's not even close to being original. But Arabesque actually stole a riff and used it properly this time. And ... does this song have two melodic sections to it? Do I sense artistic growth? Really, either the crappiness of Arabesque and Arabesque II and Arabesque III totally fried my brain, or there are some decent pop songs on this album. Really, I'm quite shocked. You Win, Hands Down 5/10 Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was actually keeping my hopes up!!!!! From the very beginning, the extremely stupid and cheesy keyboard notes means that Arabesque is ready to delve back into the super-crap where they emerged. I mean ... it's not like I was expecting them to start doing stupid crap songs again after those two cool songs. I was just hoping. I can still hope, can't I? CAN'T I????! Black Out 3.5/10 Oh brother! Other than a fairly good piece of melody in this (that repeats about 8 million times too many), this song is generic CRAP. I also feel a good, hearty vomit coming on. Excuse me for a moment. Born to Reggae 3.5/10 Um ... nooooooooooooooooo. You were NOT born to reggae. First of all, you're three white German chicks meaning that you're probably NOT African descended. Second of all, your music is absolute poo. Especially reggae! Not once have I ever heard a Europoop band doing something good with reggae. (Oh my gosh ... am I hearing the "Hey, Mr. Monkey Bender" riff? I must be going insane.) Enough said there. I've got a feeling that you are just itching to send me comments about rancid Arabesque here. |
All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He's a song from the sixties.
