Jus' Wishin' I Was Swedish
Overall Album Score: 3.5 out of 10 OH, CRAP! I'M AT IT AGAIN!!!!! Don't I have anything more important to be getting on with? I mean ... I already reviewed FIVE Arabesque albums ... I don't see the point in reviewing a SIXTH. I mean, there's a certain amount of duty, I guess, to review the entire discography of an "artist" if I can, but ... WHY!!! And it is PHENOMENAL how much this album rips off ABBA. And, what's more, it is PHENOMENAL that they ***STILL*** manage to make their songs sound like crap! ... This is just ... GOSH ... I can't even explain these very un-Christian emotions of raw feeling I have toward this. ... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! It's just mind-boggling to me about how Arabesque could accomplish this. I mean, part of the entire appeal of ABBA is the way their songs are produced! ... Very lush, very appealing ... of course ABBA's songs wouldn't be classics if the melodies weren't so freaking awesome, but ... they just wouldn't be ABBA songs without the arrangements. Arabesque basically copies ABBA's production techniques here on about eight of these tracks word-for-word, basically ... and at many points you can, without assistance, automatically tell precisely which ABBA songs certain bits were lifted from. Oddly enough, all these production tricks were at the sacrifice of actual melody. The previous two Arabesque albums, I vividly recall, had a handful of melodies that I thought the band's songwriters weren't capable of even if someone was holding a gun to their heads. This album has none of that, unfortunately. I will say this: If these songs were produced like they were on Arabesque's debut or Arabesque II, I would be writing another suicide note. There's NOTHING that gets to me like "Hello, Mister Monkey." Nothing here that'll eat into your senses like a leach. However, this album will probably have you groaning and longing for music that you never thought you'd ever long for (such as Styx). Overall Album Score: 3.5 out of 10 (Well... their production improves. But their melodies suck WORSE. I mean, they were pretty much crap to begin with, but ... When we're discussing Arabesque albums, it is in terms of varying degrees of crap, innit?) Average Song Score: 3.9 (CRAPPY SONGS!!!! ... They wisely go the ABBA route in the production, even though the blatant rip-offs piss me off, but their melodies are much worse.) Album Tilt: 3.5 (OH, CRAP...) Artist Rating: 3.0 (It's almost worth listening to this album just to see how many ways you can shamelessly rip off ABBA and *still* sound like crap.) Track Reviews Cabarello 7/10 Hello! Are you ready for some fake ABBA music from people who can't sing worth a doodie? ... I'm not. Goodbye. Album review over. ...OHHHHHHH GOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (You do realize that I'm not reviewing this band because I like to torture myself, right? I do it because I like to ridicule things ... and I don't often get to do it, because I review a lot of really good music.) Well, to tell you the honest, gut truth, this isn't a bad song. I can only spot a few melodic flaws in this song ... which is weird because Arabesque's entire song is usually a melodic flaw! But this silly Europop (and complete ABBA rip-off) really isn't too horrible. The chorus is rather catchy. ... The instrumentation isn't cheesy, either ... unless you think ABBA's instrumentation is cheesy, because it's **IDENTICAL**. ... Again, Arabesque's greatest triumphs happen when they blatantly rip off people. THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO WHEN YOU STINK!!!!!! ... But they can't rip off ABBA's vocals. ... And they can't rip off ABBA's Swedish heritage. ... Dang German Europop stars ... who are big in Japan ... Why Do You Ride the High Horse 6/10 Yay! The unrelentingly cheesy melodies are back! I can make fun of them while giving them a very low score for one of their songs again! Woot! ... The instrumentation is exactly like the last song (borrowing everything they have from previously-released and previously-loved ABBA hits) except that the melody is incredibly stupid. In fact, this song (and the last one for that matter) has that stupid goofy male-vocal harmony that ABBA utilized in "King Kong Song." ... Of all the things you can steal from ABBA, why do they steal that? ... And ... the lyrics ... *phew* Tall Story Teller 2/10 Here we see Arabesque reverting to their "Hello, Mr. Monkey" days. The melody is really, very horrible. The instrumentation, this time, isn't anything like ABBA (for WORSE) ... rather, this sounds like bad music you might hear at a polka festival somewhere in New Mexico. This song makes me want to hike to the top of a New Mexico mountain and blow my brains out with a Civil War-era cannon. I haven't even mentioned the lyrics yet!!!! (and I'm not going to) ... The singing is really CRAP. CRAP, I TELLS YOU!!! ... I thought the whole reason for bands like these was to find good singers something to sing. But these aren't even good singers. ... I MEAN, AT LEAST BRITNEY SPEARS CAN SING A LITTLE BIT!!! ... Maybe it's the whole gas turbine thing. Touch and Go 5/10 Hah! I thought this was going to be a Cars cover! Don't you love that Cars song? I know I do! ... Don't you just love this Arabesque song? ... I know I WANT TO SMASH IT LIKE A BUG WITH MY FOOT!!!!! ... When I was a Boy Scout, I had a friend who was determined that the only good way to kill a tick was to burn it with his pocket lighter. In that respect, ticks and Arabesque albums have very much in common. ... I gave this a fairly decent score because it's another blatant ABBA rip off. The tune isn't very hooky, but it's not annoying. ... It would have been much better if it were only about 30 seconds long, though. It overstays its welcome beyond that. Don't Wait For a Sailor 4/10 This song sounds like the dream I'd have if I ate too many pixie sticks and my brain made me pass out, because if I ate anymore I'd die. ... Yeah ... not pleasant! ... This is yet another blatant ABBA rip off except the melody is really crappy. ... ABBA didn't always have great songs, but ... at least they sat around and wrote some good tunes. ... Whoever wrote these songs doesn't know anything. Hit the Jackpot 4/10 OHHHHHHHHH, strike two for the unrelentingly CHEESY and CRAPPY instrumentation. ... Although, it's been a decent record for these Germans so far. ... Nevertheless, the melody is pretty good for the first 30 seconds or so of the song. But beyond that, it sucks. The instrumentation, which consists of really annoying choppy chords (that aren't awesome enough to be New Wave or anything) ... rather this is a retread of 50s pop. And it's AWFUL!!!!!!!!! Look Alive 1/10 ...Um... is this an attempt at boogie-rock? ... Please. It hurts me when you do this. And it scares the bambinos. ... It's annoying. It's cheesy. The melody's catchiness is at a concentration of 0.4309%. The fact that it has clapping in it makes it worse. ... In short, this song is the epitome of doodie. A Flash in the Pan 5/10 Isn't disco out of style yet? ... I GUESS NOT!!! ... Aren't ridiculously crappy lyrics out of style yet? ... I GUESS NOT!!! ... Aren't melodies that sounds eerily like Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" out of style yet? ... I GUESS NOT!!! ... Weren't songs that sound eerily like Jimmy Buffet outlawed by the Geneva Convention yet? ... I GUESS NOT!!! ... Shouldn't Michael Lawrence, famed Web music reviewer give this song a 10/10? ... Fool's Paradise 3/10 Why does this music sound like it shouldn't exist? ... BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T! THAT'S WHY!!! This sounds like they wanted to create a salsa song, except it sucks. ... There's not an ounce of Latin passion in this stupid German Europop song from this band that was big in Japan. The End of the Show 2/10 ... They're doing this song as if I'd actually feel nostalgic that this album is coming to a close. YEAH, WELL, I WANT THIS STUPID THING TO COME TO AN END!!! ... And ... why does this song sound a lot like "Thank You For the Music?" ... I mean ... at least *that* song wasn't self-absorbed ... and it had a good melody. There is NOTHING appealing about this melody here. There aren't really any hooks in this song, either ... that's even though it copies an ABBA classic! I mean! At least they could have gotten the hooks right! I MEAN, NOT EVEN MISTER MONKEY COULD HAVE MESSED THAT ONE UP!! (And those pianos in here, at different times, are an almost remarkable rip-off of "Chiquita" and "Dancing Queen." Some of the vocal melody sounds remarkably like ABBA's "When All is Said and Done." ... Really, I have no idea how they couldn't make it right if they're stealing from all those great Europop songs.) What it all boils down to is: This song is stupid and it sucks. Arabesque is worse than Poop. Discuss here. |
All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He's getting so hot.
