Click here to see a picture of me bare naked on a pirate ship... Born on a Pirate Ship to a Goat Overall Album Score: 7.4 out of 10 First of all, I'm never going to let Martha Stewart review an album again. She really sucks at it. Second of all, I didn't get to hear Maybe You Should Drive, and I'm a little bit P.O.ed that Martha Stewart said she would ban me from ever being able to purchase a Martha Stewart endorsed sewing machine for the rest of my life if I did. She thought that, perhaps, I would listen to it before reviewing this album so that I couldn't make my own personal observations about it ... she wants me to make comparisons based on her descriptions and her opinions. That really stinks! So, I read that review carefully (...the worst review on the site...), and I tried the best I could do with it. Actually, her hit squad is standing behind my shoulders at this very moment, watching me write this review, making sure that I never listen to Maybe You Should Drive. Fortunately, they don't speak English, so I can get away with talking trash about that dumbass sod-ridden creti9j432093OIAN ... Whoops. I was mistaken. They can read English. ..... And that really hurt! Alright ... I'd better get on with the review now. Well, from Martha Stewart's alleged accurate description of Maybe You Should Drive, I can probably say that Born on a Pirate Ship is quite a bit worse. Too many of the songs on here are really boring ... and the album is waaay too long for its own good. Really. When I got to the last half of the album, anyway, it was a real bore to have to sit through. Nevertheless, there are enough decent songs on here for me to at least be able to call the album "average." Of course, it would have been much better had the Ladies been able to axe a few of these songs. Overall Album Score: 7.4 out of 10 (This is a very disappointing effort from The Barenaked Ladies. ... I actually used the word "boring" to describe a few of these songs! ... That's just not like them!) Average Song Score: 7.8 (This is not an overall impressive set of tunes ... The Barenaked Ladies have certainly seen better days.) Album Tilt: 7.0 (Too long! And it gets pretty boring at the end!) Artist Rating: 7.5 (Hmmm ... I won't count these guys off too many points in this category. They don't succumb to groan-inducing adult contemporary or anything.) Track Reviews Stomach Vs. Heart 8/10 Joyous, happy ... the lyrics are kind of silly ... Clearly (to me), this is the band's attempt to revisit Gordon, but it's not nearly as memorable as the average track on that one. Just the same, this is happy and tuneful, so therefore it fully qualifies for a Don Ignacio Certified score of an 8. That is all. Thanks for tuning in. ... Oh yeah, and don't change that channel, because I'll be right back. Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank 8.5/10 Are you tired of your straw hat always developing an old dirty hank? If so, try my straw hat de-old-dirt-hank-o-fier, and you're straw hat will thank you for it ...... And now back to the regularly scheduled programming. ... Uh ... I'm not going to cut to commercials anymore. I'm not getting any money for it, so what's the point? Anyway, this is a pretty good song, even though it's not particularly memorable. It's tuneful and it's performed well, and that's always a good thing. It's a solid effort, certainly, but nothing to get excited over. I Know 8.5/10 Another slightly pale attempt at re-Gordon-fieing the Barenaked Ladies. Surely, though, this was a pretty good effort. It's all quite creative (it breaks into a salsa-type thingy in the middle here). The lyrics are entertaining as well. This Is Where It Ends 7.5/10 Hmmm ... this was nearly an 8/10, but ... this really seems quite feeble for the Barenaked Ladies. Nevertheless, it has a pretty nice melody and everything (not GREAT, but nice). This time, it's just not phenomenally enjoyable. When I Fall 7.5/10 I'm really being a jerk by giving this a 7.5, probably, but still. I'm bored! On that same note, however, it's another well-written song by the Ladies. ... Not phenomenal or memorable, though, particularly. I Live With it Everyday 8.5/10 Well, this song at least is really awesome! ... I really like that super harmony created by that deep-toned synth in the background during certain parts of the song! That makes this song really click for me. Other than that, it's not anything to get particularly excited over ... Again, the melody is generally well constructed. The Old Apartment 7/10 This is another attempt at Gordon-type songs ... this one just doesn't seem as good. The melody doesn't have that many hooks in it, and it's just not too exciting! Oh well! I'll go PARTY now or something. Call Me Calmly 8/10 Show tune!!!!! ... eek! It's pretty entertaining even though the melody repeats too much. But ... eh, it's fun! So me no complain. The arrangements are rather odd. Break Your Heart 7/10 Whew ... is this goofy adult contemporary thing boring or what? ...... I don't even care about your luverr's stupid broken heart, freak show. The singing performance has simply got to be a joke. Spider in My Room 7.5/10 Very odd ... The song is based on a tribal, monotonous beat amidst some chanting every once in awhile. ... It's interesting, but I don't think it's very good. Same Thing 8/10 This is a very light song ... it doesn't make a great listen, but it's nothing if it isn't pleasant! ... Yup. This is very pleasant indeed. ............ Yep. Just a Toy 6.5/10 For a band with a name such as Barenaked Ladies, they sure got REALLY BORING REALLY QUICKLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the Drink 7.5/10 Whew! I knew the Barenaked Ladies wouldn't get that boring forever ... although, this isn't exactly an exciting song ... It's a bit more interesting to listen to. It sounds a lot like George Harrison's "For You Blue" ... but it's alright hearing this band do it, even though it's not nearly as good. Shoe Box 9/10 Well, heyyyyy! I'd never have guessed ... after being BORED OUTTA MY MIND with the last half or so of Born on a Pirate Ship, the Barenaked Ladies decide to at least end the album with a memorable little pop number. It's upbeat, punchy, and well done all in all! ... It makes me forget all about their boring, past transgressions! Hurrah! ... All right. This album is over. Time to do drugs. ... Excuse me. I THIRST FOR YOUR COMMENTS!!! Which can be sent here.

All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He has sexy pecs.