Click on this link ... and you will be driven back to the main page! Maybe You Should Drive a Drill Into My Skull Overall Album Score: 8.1 out of 10 Hello. My name is Martha Stewart, the chipper professional homemaker who every middle-aged, middle-income, unemployed housewife looks up to. I was just indicted for insider trading and sentenced for five months in prison and then another five months in house arrest. I snuck into jail last night (wanting to get a fresh start on my prison sentence as early as possible). Unfortunately, though, my cellmates (suspected-lesbians) said they would slit my face if I even thought about re-decorating the cell using my elegant yet economical home decorating tips, and so now I'm just really really bored. I was brushing my teeth for the eighth time that morning when I got a (conjugal) visit from Michael Lawrence ... affectionately known to most of you as "Don Ignacio." (Frankly, I feel that name is a little bit juvenile ... but ... just the same ...) He asked me if I would like to write a review of a rock-and-roll album from a band called The ... ahem ... Barenaked Ladies. When he said that, I just about got up and left ... it wasn't the first time a man has ever said "barenaked lady" to my face, you know. But, he said how much of a fan he was of me, and how he put all of my elegant but cost-efficient home decorating tips into good use in his room where he lives at his parents' house, and how he sometimes would dress up like me on the weekends. So, I decided to do this favor for him. Besides that, I'm just really really bored and I needed something to do. (...also hoping that the butch lady whose been staring at me ever since I got here would quit it...) First of all, this band's moniker The -- *ahem* -- The Barenaked Ladies" won't do at all. I'm going to change this band's name to "The Salmon Pink Pillows." I think that's a far more fitting name for it, and I also really like salmon pink for a pillow color. And, if you do that, you ought to go with Easter Yellow for the color of your bedspread. Oh, I drifted, didn't I? Alright, I'm going to talk about The Salmon Pink Pillows now. This is the second album that they've ever done. I haven't heard their debut album, but I talked to Michael who has, and he said that was a loud, flashy, and quirky album. Apparently they changed their style quite a bit when they made this follow-up, because all of these songs are laid back and pleasant. You also ought to add any of my endorsed fabric softeners on your sheets for a pleasant sleeping experience. Another fine quality of Maybe You Should Drive is that the songs are remarkably consistent as well. Sure, there were a few 7's and 7.5's in here, but nothing was atrocious enough to score below that. My favorite song, the album-opener called "Jane" received a 9.5. Among all the other pleasant songs on this album, that one stood out to me the most, like the television set does in most modern living rooms. I recommend placing two bushy artificial trees around the television set and giving a more homely object, such as a fireplace or bookshelf, its chance to shine. All in all, Maybe You Should Drive is a pleasant album. It might not be as entertaining and happily bizarre as Gordon (according to Michael), but I liked this quite a bit, and I recommend it to everyone out there who wants their home to look its best. Thank you for watching. Overall Album Score: 8.1 out of 10 (Martha Stewart gives this album a mild thumb's up. It's not nearly as unique or enjoyable as the band's debut, but it remains a pleasant listening experience. Make sure your room is properly designed to handle acoustics to the best of your ability.) Average Song Score: 8.2 (These songs are quiet, reserved and likable. The first two qualities this album doesn't share with the band's debut Gordon.) Album Tilt: 8.0 (It's nice but unremarkable.) Artist Rating: 8.0 (This would be classified as an artistic success more than anything. This isn't a "priceless" album, but it is pleasant and pretty consistent.) Track Reviews Jane 9.5/10 And first on Martha Stewart's Album Review Living today, we have a quiet and reserved song (like the perfect dining room) that utilizes mostly acoustic instruments. As with most of the products that I endorse, The Salmon Pink Pillows don't waste our time and money with overblown frills. This is a simple song. And yet, they put their natural talent with their cheapish acoustic instruments and singing to great use and deliver us a song that is both tuneful and pleasant. I say this is a good song to wake up in the morning with (as well as a bathroom with a color theme). Intermittently 9/10 This track is very solid, indeed. Like a room after utilizing my nifty home decorating tips handbook, which is available at my web site http://marthastewartliving.com (Mart Haste Wart Living), this song is very smart and it is something that you just want to spend your entire day lounging about in (or listening to). If you like a bit of light lounge jazz, this might just be the ticket for you. These Apples 8/10 The problem with this song, to be perfectly blunt, is that it tries too hard to be likable. Yet, it doesn't have a quirky enough quality to be considered a novelty, nor is it normal enough to appeal to the regular public. Obviously, The Salmon Pink Pillows were following the home decorating tips from one of my ill competitors. You Will Be Waiting 8/10 Drapes might possibly be the first impression someone has when entering your family room. You should make your drapes bold, yet they should not out-bold everything else in your room. If you do that, then your guests would be paying more attention to your drapes than yourself ... and considering that you probably never dust your drapes, that is not a wise decision. ......... Oh, sorry. I forgot where I was going with that. I like this song, but it's a little bit drab and ordinary. You certainly don't want your curtains to look like that, either. And, they ought to be cleaned once every few months. A 9/10 "A," which incidentally is also the first step in my anagram "ART" for bathrooms. "Accentuate Repugnate and Tiles." Accentuate because you want to make your guests bathroom experience a memorable one; Repugnate because you don't want your guests to spend their entire visit in the bathroom; and Tiles because ... well ... tiles are important for a bathroom. "A," the song by The Salmon Pink Pillows follows my "ART" principle quite closely. By way of instrumentation, they manage to Accentuate their really pleasant melody they came up with to my satisfaction. By way of making the song end, they managed to Repugnate you so that you would stop listening (likewise, you should limit the hot water when your guests over just in case they feel the sudden urge to take a shower, testing your Martha Stewart endorsed bath towels and shower curtains). And, finally, they used lots and lots of ... Tiles. ... Yeah. Everything Old is New Again 8.5/10 "Everything Old is New Again" ... Obviously these guys have been following my handy redecorating tips to the letter. They've also come up with an exotic and punchy groove to base this song off of (without getting too kitschy, like imitation leopard skin upholstery for your family room couch). The melody is thoughtful and tuneful, and it was arranged rather well. If The Salmon Pink Pillows weren't so good at songwriting, they ought to have gone in the flower business ... that's how good at arranging they are. Alternative Girlfriend 8.5/10 This song is a bit harder and edgier, but it doesn't forget to be accessible and friendly to your audience (use a similar principle when selecting welcome mats for your front porch). Again, The Salmon Pink Pillows keep the quality of their melodies firmly in the foreground of their minds, and they flourish because of this. Am I the Only One? 7.5/10 As exemplified by this song, less isn't always more ... however, when The Salmon Pink Pillows have such refined melodic-craft skills, this is another delight. If this were my living room, I'd suggest a bit more vibrant carpeting, but this still looks pretty solid. Little Tiny Song 7/10 This song might be tiny ... tiny by size (just more than a minute) and tiny by purpose. There isn't much of a melody to speak of, and this whole thing is boring like Hillary Clinton's powder room in her New York mansion when I visited there in spring two years ago. (I offered to redecorate, but then she started talking to me about health care before I had a chance to begin.) This is a bit of a drag on the whole album in spite of its short length ... but it's not really that bad. At least there weren't urine stains on the tiles. Life, In a Nutshell 7/10 Much schnazzier, but this song leaves quite a bit to be desired. The melody is solid, but it's not that great, and frankly this song is a bit tedious to listen to. That's why choosing the right mat for your bathroom floor is so essential. The Wrong Man Was Convicted 9/10 *GASP!* ... The wrong 'man' was convicted (man, of course, also referring to 'woman'). I did NOT ENGAGE IN INSIDER TRADING!!!!!! I can't believe that buffoon jury actually convicted me. See if I ever give them anymore fabulously helpful home decorating tips. I'm banning them forever from all my officially endorsed household decoration items. Those morons. And that dumbass judge, too. ... *Huff* *Huff* *Huff* ... Like I said ... "I'll be back." ... Oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah ... The Salmon Pink Pillows. This track is a really nice piano-led ballad. It's quiet, tuneful, and rather beautiful. Adding a harp as the centerpiece of your living room would also have the same effect, and, in addition to making it irresistibly gorgeous, it might also inspire the kids to pick up a musical instrument. Great Provider 7.5/10 And the album is finally brought to close by this not-altogether-impressive song. This is a little bit boring, but it all seems to come together rather solidly. The melody is good, the instrumentation is better ... it's not phenomenal (which is so important when it comes to choosing the right hutch for your chinaware) but it works. Of course, Martha Stewart doesn't officially endorse anything that just "works." My faithful fans should know better than that. Please, no autographs.

All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He art flipping thou off.