All That Splatters

Overall Album Score: 4.9 out of 10

The time period between 1993 and 1997 was a magical time. First of all, there was not a new Michael Bolton studio album released between these years. Yes. 1994, 1995, 1996 were Michael Bolton free. (OK there was a Christmas album, but I just skip those by instinct.) The second magical occurrence, during this time, was that Bolton got a haircut. This was the greatest move in his career so far --- he proves, once and for all, that he's better than Kenny G. Except that's not difficult.

I'm glad to report that listening to All that Matters isn't as painful a listening process as many of his previous albums were (even though it's been awhile since I last heard a Michael Bolton album, I remember it clearly just like I still remember getting spanked as a child).

Bolton albums are mostly worthless. His voice is loved by quite a few people who listen to pop music, and I'm not going to deny that it has decent range. He can even wail sometimes like someone with terrible angst. Sure, that's a nice quality, but he apparently can't sing like anything else, and this 'mood' gets really tiring after awhile. Whenever he tries to alter that mode (like "The Best of Love" for example) he comes off as idiotic.

Much of this songwriting is so bland that it could be enough to drive you nuts. It's like trying to eat cotton candy with all the sugar removed. It's airy and pointless. But anyway, there are a handful of songs worth noting.

Naturally, the most famous track is the one that appeared on the Disney's Hercules soundtrack that lost at the Academy Awards to "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. (You can almost tell how screwy the pop culture was in 1997 --- although I hate to say that it hasn't gotten much better in 2007.) Despite the lyrics being pretty idiotic and centered around a motivational poster cliche. (How are you going to physically move one place to another and not travel "a distance?") But I kind of like that song anyway --- the horrible melody is slightly less bland than the ones around it.

Though this album's real prize is a surprising contribution from Tony Rich called "Fallin'." That track is more musically rich than Michael Bolton is used to. That's an R&B song, which doesn't fit his image (and I don't think he's that suited for it), but it's nice to hear him sing something with a catchy melody for a change. There are some other R&B type tracks, but they fall flat on their faces.

The opening track is pretty good --- that one's more creative than I'm used to hearing from him. He co-wrote that one with Diane Warren, one of the worst corporate songwriters of all time, so maybe it proved that two wrongs can occasionally make a right.

Well, I sure wrote a lot about this album that I don't care about. So, if you have any further questions, please drop me an e-mail.

Overall Album Score: 4.9 out of 10 (He got a haircut, but what are we going to do with these sub-par compositions?)

Average Song Score: 5.2 (Still frustratingly bad. This score doesn't even get redeemed for the relatively few lapses of good taste.)

Album Tilt: 5.0 (Hard to sit through. I think I dragged this score down enough! Well the beginning and end are fine, at least.)

Artist Tilt: 4.5 (It's really difficult to sympathise with a session singer who has to sing the worst tripe from the worst corporate songwriters. Whenever he sings a good song, it seems like somebody messed up.)

Track Reviews

Safe Place From the Storm 8.5/10

It starts with some rain sound-effects, but it isn't long before a boring adult contemporary beat starts up! OK, it's not that boring I guess. The melody, co-written, by Bolton actually manages to convince me. That's no surprise, because he had a few decent songs in his career. The production is pretty nice although it probably could have done with a little more crass creativity. Although considering the person who's singing this, I'm surprised this song is as creative as it is!

The Best of Love 5/10

Michael Bolton will always be Michael Bolton. This is a real piece of crap! The melody is so simple that it's stupid. The lite-rock instrumentation is so corny that if I listen to this any longer, the police might have grounds to charging it for second-degree murder. Bolton's returning to his smug singing --- every time he tries to sing "sexy" or "passionately" he ends up sucking at it. This is the most overrated singer on the planet!!!!! OK, maybe not. Clay Aiken's much worse.

Let's Make a Long Story Longer 6.5/10

This is a little nicer though it's sterile. Well, I've heard worse. At least it's more of a straight-ahead pop rock track instead of a stupid ballad. The melody is OK although the hooks are enormously weak. Bolton's vocal performance is fine here. He's playing it straight --- that usually sounds better.

A Heart Can Be So Strong 5.5/10

This is a smarmy adult contemporary "power ballad" that's often sung by the likes of Celiene Dion and other hacks (like this guy)! The melody is stale and the arrangements are even worse. I do like some of the chord progressions although it was spoiled by the horrible production. The songwriter, Diane Warren, always writes such boring music.

Fallin' 9/10

Actually, this is a pretty decent song. The writer Tony Rich seems to have a better idea about songwriting! The melody is catchy, and I like his lite R&B groove. Bolton seemed like he wanted to give this track a decent vocal performance, and his range suits it beautifully. Very nice. This is one of Bolton's best. That's not really saying much, but --- well, this is pretty good.

Forever's Just a Matter of Time 5/10

Ah, now the boringness sets in. This is a dull ballad with overproduction that's so horrible that it rings too closely to his early '90s work! The melody is bland along with Bolton's vocal performance. I'm trying to be nice. Anyone who likes this song doesn't like soul. Come to think of it, I don't care much for soul --- but I hate this.

Whenever I Remember Loving You 6.5/10

This has some strange instrumentation at its beginning --- it's the same sort of thing you'd hear on a Britney Spears album. That whistle synth they use annoys the hell out of me --- why is that a popular instrument? I like the fact that this is upbeat --- mediocre songwriting always comes off better if it has a danceable beat whereas ballads have to rely too much on a hooky melody. The melody really is feeble --- you only have to listen to Peter Gabriel's adult comtemporary masterpiece "Digging in the Dirt" to know that's true.

Show Her the Way 5/10

The melody is basically meaningless. These songwriters seem to treat their art like a mechanic treats his/her art. Unfortunately, songwriting is such a creative process. But pop songs like this seem so mechanical. OK, you have a chord progression, tons of production and a soulful singer...... 'scuse me. Where's the heart, spirit and melody? A mile away.

Why Me 4/10

A bit of a mess. The production wants to be a late '90s R&B song (you know, the kind of R&B that displaces old guys like B.B. King who used to make great music called R&B). The groove doesn't quite fit Michael Bolton although I don't like listening to music that does fit him. The melody is blander than water, except it's as refreshing as salt!

Can't Get Close Enough to You 3.5/10

This isn't annoying -- it's just so bland and stupid that it can't pass as music. Again, songwriting isn't supposed to be a mechanical process. There's nothing in this 'soulful' song that hints at life. The faux gospel background singers couldn't be worse --- I thought gospel was supposed to be lively and spiritual. (Oh man, I complain about gospel singers whenever they crop up in pop music ... and I plan to keep on doing that.) This track is worthless. Again.

Let There Be Love 4/10

Just like the previous track except the melody is a bit better. Again, there's no reason to write these pseudo gospel numbers if there isn't any soul to them --- or a melody that's worth much of anything. Why do they keep trying to pass this stuff off?

Pleasure or Pain 6/10

I think Bolton prefers pain, or maybe inflicting pain? This track isn't the worst. The melody is more stupidity. The instrumentation tried to do something a little unusual with more of that R&B posturing that doesn't seem to fit. But at the same time those added percussions are a good enough distraction from that non-melody.

Go the Distance 7.5/10

This is the only song that sounds familiar to me on the album! Why? Because it was featured in Disney's Hercules, a movie that I remember seeing when it was released. (Maybe I was a little too old for it --- 14 --- but I have yet to grow out of cartoons.) Anyway, this track was nominated for an Academy Award, which probably means they didn't have much standards that year. (Celine Dion won that year --- remember?) Anyway, this really isn't a bad tune. It's a little simple for me, and the hooks are rather dull. The instrumentation is fine as tracks like these go. It's overproduced to the point of hell, but I guess that's what the kids like listening to.

Children, tell me what ya think here!