The Hunger For Something That's Not Michael Bolton

Overall Album Score: 5.8 out of 10

Twenty-eight cents goes to the person who can predict exactly what I'm going to say next. ... Okay, ready, go!

MICHAEL BOLTON SUCKS!

(...yeah... I'm sure that everybody predicted that ... or cheated. I would be pretty poor, except that there are probably about two people on the planet who've ever read this page, and they probably can't speak English.)

ANYWAY! The Hunger is officially Michael Bolton's breakthrough album. Its sales is currently ranked as having 2x Platinum status (blech!) and ... um ... every one of those people who bought it boyfriends probably upchucked their cookies that afternoon. However, all of Bolton's previous efforts didn't fare so well. And, I'll give you my prediction why.

Alright, this album was released in 1987. Earlier in the 80s decade, from 1980 - 1985, pop music was pretty good and fairly innovative. Remember, we had Japan's/Duran Duran's version of New Romantic ... we had Devo/Oingo Boingo ... we had Prince and his admittedly classic Purple Rain. Michael Jackson and Madonna were even fairly good in the early 80's. However, as we progressed thereafter, pop music started getting really stale. Either that was due to artists creative output turning moldy, or simply that people were sick of listening to good music and turned to listening to creeps like Michael Bolton. Either way, something happened, and it made the 1986-1990 period of rock and roll one of the entity's uttermost detestable periods.

(I'm not saying, however, that everything released in this period of time was awful ... I'm just saying that pop music as a whole had verrrry little to offer. It would redeem itself in 1991 when Nirvana and the rest of the grunge bands went mainstream!) I'm not even sure if pop music really recovered from this period. (I mean ... grunge can only be considered pop music to an extent can it.) However, that'll have to be determined at a later date after I've done more research!

That all said, I don't really believe that The Hunger is a thoroughly detestable album. While there are plenty of bits in it that are quite vomit-inducing, there are plenty of other bits (in fact, too many other bits) that are not. Oh ... that's still being pretty negative, but heck! That's the scoop when it comes to Michael Bolton. Overall, this is an altogether feeble late 80's adult contemporary snoozefest with a few good aspects about it that just keeps it from eternal rock-and-roll damnation.

Overall Album Score: 5.8 out of 10 (Um... hmm... This overall album score is low, but it is saved from an even lower score because I like the three wussy-metal songs that open up the album. After that, however, Zzzz...)

Average Song Score: 6.4 (Well, Bolton at least starts this album with a few decent hard-rockish numbers. He succumbs, unfortunately, to his trademark sap crap after that.)

Album Tilt: 5.5 (I enjoy listening to this album about as much as I would enjoy a community service project where I would have to clean out solitary confinement chambers of a prison.)

Artist Rating: 5.5 (Michael Bolton might have some talent, but the way he's administering it is useless in all ways except for filling his pocketbook and rotting the minds of the general public.)

Track Reviews

Hot Love 9/10

Well, if there ever was a good reason for late 80s pop to exist, then "Hot Love" encapsulates it. It has all of the characteristics of late 80s pop. There are the loud drums and the wussy-metal electric guitar. The melody, however, is actually quite good. And, we all know that Michael Bolton-love 'im or hate 'im-is a top notch Joe Crocker imitator. So you know the singing has got to be good. The recording studio manager also did a great job picking up the most talented session musicians that money could buy. This is an entertaining song. So, yes, "Hot Love" is decent.

Wait on Love 8/10

This one falters a little bit on the melody. The chorus isn't really any good ... but it was well glued together, I'd say, and it was polished like Uncle Jerry's most prized golf trophy. Nevertheless, the adult contemporary feel of this one is a little bit too much overbearing for me. So. Yawn.

(Sittin' On) the Dock of the Bay 8/10

Well ... Michael Bolton could never hold a candle to Otis Redding. So, it doesn't really have to be mentioned that this cover is merely passable! Although, the melody is good, the song doesn't exactly give me a great feeling. A little bit disappointing this. I'm not sure making this song Bolton-style dramatic was the world's most innovative idea. (The instrumentation really could have been more exhilarating, except for that nice blistering electric guitar solo in the middle of this ... and I think the tempo also ought to have been sped up just a little bit.) Nevertheless, this track is amusing.

Gina 7/10

Ewwwwww! Okay, this is where the Michael Bolton honorary vomiting ceremonies can officially begin. The quality of the song is just low enough for me to exclaim: OH CRAP! WHAT AM I LISTENING TO MICHAEL BOLTON FOR?!?!?! It's just dull throughout. The merits of the melody cannot carry it one bit, and the overlush, adult contemporary instrumentation gets too overbearing this time. The chorus is quite a bit annoying. Although, I cannot say that I fully hate this track.

That's What Love is All About 5/10

This is officially where the Michael Bolton honorary stabbing ceremonies can begin. (And, when we stab him, sap would start oozing out.) This sappy sappy sappy ballad is crappy crappy crappy! If you have taste in music, any taste at all, then I strongly advise against entering. Run! It's too late for me! But you can still save yourself! Didn't you hear me?!

The Hunger 5/10

Holy cow! If the mediocre-artists burying principle* holds true, then Michael Bolton must have known that these songs are sappy! Sappy and crappy! Heck! That must mean that he knew that he sucked when he sang "When a Man Loves a Woman." He must have known!

*THE MEDIOCRE-ARTIST BURYING PRINCIPLE - When a rock artist (esp. commercial rock artist) is mediocre, he or she puts all the good songs at the front of the album, and puts all of the crap songs in the middle and end. Some mediocre artists, however, would put a good song at the end of the album in order to trick teenagers into thinking that the album should win a Grammy.

You're All I Need 6/10

Okay ... would someone tell me why all of the good wussy-metal songs were at the beginning of this album? Those were the best! Really! They were! ... For Michael Bolton, anyway, they were CLASSIC! Now, this song is almost wussy metal, but there's too much dramatic love-song adult contemporary sap. In fact, if it wasn't for the better rhythm section, I would be vomiting. In fact, I vomit so frequently now, whilst listening to Michael Bolton, that I can almost projectile it. Very efficiently too, I might add.

Take a Look At My Face (And Try Not To Vomit On It) 6/10

(I'm sorry ... I just couldn't resist adding that thing in parenthesis ... it's funny though, innit?)

This song is very feeble! Argggh! It almost brings Michael Bolton back to the wussy-metal glory that he gave us at the beginning of this album ... but this is just blah blah blah average late 80s pop with a melody that'll have you going blah blah blah even more. I blah a lot. Blah! Michael Bolton's face is blah! And his haircut sucks, too. And I shall blah once more: blah.

Walk Away 4/10

This album is now officially OVERRRRRRRRRRRR! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Michael Bolton does the smart thing, though, and waits for the very end of the album to tack this detestable, sappy ballad, so that we can just turn it off and not think that Michael Bolton sucks anymore than we do already.

Tell me all about how much you hate Michael Bolton's cat here!