It's Michael "Geez! I Have a Stupid Haircut" Bolton!

Overall Album Score: 6.1 out of 10

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ee-ana-jad. Nayanajaad.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it...until that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm...well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

(Alright, before it even happens, I'm going to get the copyright-thugs off my tail. This line was lifted from Office Space. Therefore, I am not breaching your precious copyrights. Please refrain from breaking my thumbs and kidnapping my gerbils for ransom.)

And so I decided to review this album. But, I found one thing surprising: even though this is the early 80's, this is unrelenting pop, and this artist was badmouthed in that movie, this album is not excruciatingly painful. Even though somebody is currently selling a used copy of this album on amazon.com for $1.00! (Now that's interesting! The bleeding post office would be the only one who'd make a profit out of the deal!)

This is, in fact, 80's pop. And this is, in fact, mediocre 80's pop. But it's perfectly undemanding 80's pop with a few good hooks scattered here and there ... so it's not bad. And it's not particularly sappy or revolting like one might think. Though, it's safe to say that the album is FAR from a masterpiece. There isn't even a masterful song on here. Nothing 80's-defining or anything you'd particularly feel the need to sing with in your car. And, if you can't do that, then why even listen to an 80's po[o]p album? So, like, unless you're a die-hard 80's nostalgia fanatic, or by some force unknown to man you actually like Michael Bolton, I'm not exactly sure why anybody'd listen to this. I mean ... listen to Michael Jackson! His mammoth popularity wasn't just a fluke, my friend.

That said, this isn't as criminally offensive or criminally adult contemporary (or criminally overplayed) like that muck-fest "When a Man Loves a Woman," which is clearly one of the worst songs ever mass listened-to by semi-intelligent people. Geez that song sucks.

No! This album is much harder and leads much more to the metal-side than his albums to follow (thank goodness)! After just sampling a little bit of his subsequent albums, I'm going to venture a guess that this is his best album. And ... at that ... it's not a very good album. I only decided to review it, so I could slam the man a little bit just for screwing up that poor guy's life in Office Space. (Oh hell. I came into this with an ulterior motive, didn't I?)

Okay... a little bit of technical info. This is not really Michael Bolton's first album. In fact, he had several extremely unsuccessful albums in the 70's under his real name: Michael Bolotin. In this earlier incarnation, he did blue-eyed soul in the same vein as Joe Cocker. But, by the 80's, feeling the desire of success oozing through his veins, he changed his name to Michael Bolton and launched a successful career. (The secret's in the NAME, you see.) In this career, he did win two Grammy awards. But, as I've learned through these album-reviewing stints of mine, Grammy awards don't mean a THANG! I mean ... The Rolling Stones have only received two Grammies, John Lennon won only one (posthumous) Grammy, David Bowie received one Grammy (and that was for a SHORT MOVIE), ABBA won zero, even Nirvana essentially won zero (they got one for some stupid live album released after Cobain's death ... but, like Lennon's, it was done because he died, and the Grammy people felt guilty for not properly giving them their dues!) These Grammy people are ON CRACK. But that's a different rant altogether.

Although, I actually like this album, which, to no real surprise, it is one of Bolton's least popular albums. That would make sense because Bolton won't see his BIG success until 1989 or thereabouts. And, this is one of his only listenable albums! How ironic! (That said, there was something released in 1985 that is supposed to be REALLY bad, but I wouldn't know about it 'cause it apparently doesn't exist anymore.) You might also like to know that all of these songs are essentially the same. (Which isn't always a bad thing if you like hardish pop songs bred for the radio.)

I suppose I ought to mention that much to Michael Bolton's credit, he writes or co-writes all of these songs except for a cover of the Supremes' "Back in My Arms Again."

Overall Album Score: 6.1 out of 10 (This is a very kind score. It passes because there are no real horrid songs on here. But that's like saying you like using a public restroom facility because there's no poop on the floor. ...Okay, that was a bad analogy, but I think you get the idea.)

Average Song Score: 6.8 (Wow... even though the song average managed to be 'passing,' you can't get around the fact that this is, indeed, 80's pop. Then again, this is also consistently listenable 80's pop.)

Album Tilt: 6.0 (Oh please. Like I want to listen to icky 80's pop!)

Artist Tilt: 5.5 (Michael Bolton took ZERO chances with this one. He wanted mass popularity ... he did the calculations ... and this is what he came up with. There is nothing artistically interesting in this album AT ALL. In fact, most of these songs are merely carbon copies of each other, and the 'original' was simply a copy of everything else that was playing on the radio. Even in the realm of 80's pop, Bolton failed to even contribute anything lasting here.)

Track Reviews

Fool's Game 7.5/10

Yeah ... this was apparently the album's hit. And ... for generic 80's pop, it's not REALLY that bad. Eighties pop isn't hard to get into, and this song is no exception. It's kind of personified by a synth piano-like thing scaling in the background and light electric guitars going off ... and you know ... it's completely inoffensive pop. Average radio fare.

She Did the Same Thing 6.5/10

More of the same. This one doesn't quite have the same flair the last song did and it wanders a bit more into boring-old, average 80's territory. It's another inoffensive hardish rocker. It is saved from Hell because there are some nice bits in here. But it's overall quite boooo-tay.

Hometown Hero 7/10

I don't like this song, but you cannot deny that the chorus has a little something that rocks my world. So, I feel perfectly safe awarding this track a cool 7.

Can't Hold on Can't Let Go 5.5/10

I don't hate the song, but I don't like it either. It's very standard 80's pop that probably wasn't played on the radio at all in favor of some of these other songs.

Fighting for My Life 7.5/10

It's not too bad here! Joe Cocker-I mean Michael Bolton-sings this one rather well and it doesn't have a terrible melody. So. Yeah! This is even the album's first example of well-done instrument playing.

Paradise 8.5/10

Um... slap me silly, but is this song dang catchy or what? I mean ... it's not catchy ABBA-style or anything, but it's DARN catchy. CRAP! By far, it's the best track of the album. Also, it's really the only song on the album that I would actually like to hear on the radio. (I'm not sure if it made it on the radio or not.) But this is a very good song!

Back in My Arms Again 7/10

This is a rather dull cover of a Supremes song. And the original song wasn't actually too good, either, so one wouldn't expect too much from a cover of it (...much less, an 80's-fied cover of it). Bolton's version is more boring. But it's not awful or anything. Though, I never would have guessed that this was originally an old 60's Motown song. Bolton at least does a good job of giving it then-modern treatment.

Carrie 7.5/10

Boy... there's absolutely no reason for me to hate this track, either. The instrumentation here was actually very well conceived. It's yet another pleasant/generic 80's pop number. It should have ended a good thirty seconds before it does, but it's certainly above average. (It's no relation to the 1987 Europe hit.)

I Almost Believed You 4.5/10

Oh this is boo-tay! Michael Bolton turns on his blue eyes and gives us some of this crap white-person soul. These types of songs NOBODY should attempt unless they're actually talented at it. (Marvin Gaye, etc.) But when somebody sucks at it, like Michael Bolton, poor listeners like me are left to do absolutely nothing but clutch our stomachs and groan. And ... BLOODY CRAP ... Bolton would eventually adapt this style as his bleeding forte. (That crap song "When a Man Loves a Woman" is in the same category as this. *#&#*$) That said, I don't feel this song deserves anything below a 4.5 because *gulp* it could have been much, much worse, and I'm just trying to be fair. (I'm also trying not to vomit.)

Tell me all about how much you hate Michael Bolton here!