The One Thing

Overall Album Score: 2.5 out of 10

...Obviously, I didn't feel the need to make fun of the album title. It makes fun of itself.

Michael Bolton makes fun of himself, too. He's such an easy target. I was nice to him in my previous review of his. Here, I don't even feel like being constructive. If he's not going to take my advice, then what's the point? He's just going to sit there on that album cover with his doggy hair-do and that Dick Cheney smirk while he's undressing me with his eyes. He probably forgot to shower that morning.

This really *is* an awful album cover. I didn't have much of a beef with the covers until now. Then, at least, he at looked like a geek or he didn't care (oh, and he looked like an egg-sucker on Michael Bolton). Here, he just took a total dive down the cheese-end (you like my mixed metaphors, do ya???). That cover is awful awfulness.

Now that he hypnotized tone-deaf drones into buying his albums, he knows he doesn't have to worry about the music anymore! Not that he really cared, before, but ... well ... I wouldn't previously have thought it humanly possible, but Michael Bolton succeeded in making an album even worse than Time Love and Tenderness. I listen to this album thinking he can't be serious. Part of me thinks he's the L. Ron Hubbard of pop music. The other part of me thinks he's just some dork who was never very good and spoiled by the $$$ and Grammies. It's hard to tell, but either way this album SUCKS!!! His singing isn't even decent here ... it has a distinctly more chalky characteristic. He's not trying very hard. Bleeh. I can't even imagine true-blue Bolton fans would even care for this .......... then again, I can't predict the behavior of total mental cases.

Overall Album Score: 2.5 out of 10 (A new low. He doesn't even care enough to be annoying.)

Average Song Score: 3.1 (Completely toneless.)

Album Score: 2.5 (The songs, they drag on and on and on and on. I was at least able to tolerate his previous "works.")

Artist Rating: 2.0 (He never did anything artistic. The difference on this one is he's not even bothering to turn in decent vocal performances.)

Track Reviews

Said I Loved You...But I Lied 3/10

I wonder if the reason this song production is more or less tolerable is because the album was released in 1993, four comfortable years away from the nadir of pop music production 1989. The production is more "minimal" ... the drum machines aren't very loud and there isn't a whole lot of reverb. Well that's good. This song is absolutely stale, though. No melody. You'd think they'd worry about melody, but I guess Bolton has enough name-power to sell albums, so you don't need to bother with that. The instrumentation still manages to be cliched. It's just a testacle-less Michael Bolton singing to some horrible music.

I'm Not Made Of Steel 4/10

You're made out of POOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This song is better this time. Bolton's chalky pseudo-soul voice tries to deliver some pseudo-passion here. I bet he wished he could sing like Bob Seger! ... Well, that wouldn't make this song much more interesting. (I should review Bob Seger one day .......... I would really be hated!!!) This is another example of adult contemporary sludge, but it's better than the last one. It's more upbeat. The melody isn't too interesting. People who in any way respect the electric guitar will want to smash something after hearing this. Stick to your freaking cheesy synths!

The One Thing 1/10

You know, this "thing" makes "When a Man Loves a Woman" look pretty good. Bolton's voice really sounds weak here. What did he get that Grammy for? ... Oh yeah, the haircut. This song is boring and toneless. He should run for political office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Gospel singers??? I don't hate Mariah Carey's pseudo-gospel songs anymore!!! ... What the hell is this???????????????????????)

Soul of My Soul 7/10

Are you getting these song titles? Are you sure I haven't stumbled upon a lost Weird Al Yankovic album? I actually find this tolerable. Well, anything after "The One Thing" is like The Beatles, anyway. It's really horrid, but at least there's a little bit of *something* in the melody. My brain is completely scrambled, so I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. The soulless gospel singers are even tolerable (...well they're not pretending to be gospel singers this time, thank goodness). You know that fade out lasts about 30 seconds... that's usually not a good sign, o whoever composed this. But this is the best song of the album by a miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile. Also not a good sign.

Completely 5/10

He sings: "I want to give my love completely." How can I believe you if you aren't willing to give your songs "completely?" I mean, you're singing at the top of your lungs and ... it makes me want to "completely" empty the contents of my stomach. But you've got to do more than sing ... you need substance!!!!!!!! (Oh wait, they gave Jennifer Hudson an Academy Award for her unrestrained singing and not being a very good actress. Hey! Let's give Michael Bolton a Grammy!)

Lean on Me 2/10

I'm not going to lean on you. I might *vomit* on you. I'd rather not, though. That means I'd have to be pretty close to you. It might take a few months for the nightmares to stop. This is another pretty embarrassing attempt at gospel-pop. It's bad enough when Mariah Carey tries this nonsense, but this is positively bad. (Isn't stale, emotionless gospel music a contradiction?????? Am I the only person in the world who thinks this?????) The melody couldn't be more stale. Even the chord progression is bad....... seriously, just sit down at the piano for a couple of minutes and hit random chords. There--you have a better chord progression.

Ain't Got Nothing If You Ain't Got Love 5.5/10

Oh, look at those bouncy electric guitars!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'd might as well pee on that instrument and then do a happy dance on the grave of Jimi Hendrix for all the good you're doing!!!!!!! ........ Crap, I'm enjoying this song. What's wrong with me? ... The whole vibe runs out of steam terribly after the first minute (which makes the last four minutes of it positively boring). The bounciness is rather fun even though Bolton's typically weak vocal performance sounds like a poor man's Robin McAuley. Bolton's singing is getting really lazy if that was even possible.

A Time For Letting Go (Of My Chosen Career Path) 0/10

This is another cheesy love ballad designed for soap-opera addict housewives who have no dignity. Go vacuum the living room, o embarrassment to the women's lib movement!! ... I am *not* listening to these lyrics. I am not. No. No No No No No. Crap, I'm listening to the lyrics. This song just replaced "women" as the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Never Get Enough of Your Love 1.5/10

I miss Duran Duran. They would at least made the chorus fun. And sing it better. I miss Madonna. That's it. I'm at the end of my rope. I had a good life until now.

In the Arms of Love 2/10

In the Arms of Sweet Death. Wishful thinking.

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