Soul Plopper

Overall Album Score: 5.0 out of 10

You know that you're in a bad predicament when you're 21 years old, you don't have a girlfriend, and you're sitting alone in your room listening to Michael Bolton. ... Oh man ... *takes a shot of bourbon* There. That's better.

Actually, my state of sorriness isn't the reason I'm writing, yet, another Michael Bolton review. I reviewed the first Bolton album as a joke and the second one was just to fill up that page with more reviews. I'm reviewing this third one *specifically* because I learned today that if you type in "Michael Bolton sucks" on Google, my Michael Bolton reviews page is the first thing that comes up ... And, according to my traffic report, quite a few people are doing that. Therefore, I cannot disappoint my fans, and I must come up with more Michael Bolton reviews ... that is, unless I shoot myself first ...

Okay, now that I have some sort of premise set for why I am actually reviewing ANOTHER Michael Bolton album (...Actually, I think I'm doing it because I like making fun of the guy...) I'm going to tell you all about the guy's merits.

His merits are few, but like it or not he *is* a capable singer! ...I mean, the guy probably wasn't really deserving of a Grammy for a song from this album ("How Am I Supposed to Live Without You"), but the guy sings with so much pseudo-passion that ... um ... Hey! He could *seriously* have injured his vocal chords! Let's give him a Grammy!

The other merit that Michael Bolton has is that he has writing credits on his own material. Now ... whether these songs were actually WORTH penning is up to *you*, but I'll be the sixty-fifth to admit that many of the melodies on here are entirely decent. However, whatever decency they might have had was immediately nullified by the songs' detestable overproduction and general sappiness.

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh ... and if you're a male, please don't listen to this. I promise you that you're going to vomit. Females: I wouldn't recommend it to you, either, but, as far as I can tell, you people actually like to vomit.

Overall Album Score: 5.0 out of 10 (*Clears throat and prepares to sing* Miiiiiichael Bolton, you know he really suuuuuuuuucks! *Wah wah wah waaaaah!* His wiiiife, he never plucks! ... Oh er ... um ... I didn't know this was being transcribed. Oh ... how embarrassing ...)

Average Song Score: 5.6 (This guy ain't no Ray Davies, but he does have some good melody-crafting skills. That said, he still managed to make every single song off of here stink of doodoo.)

Album Tilt: 4.5 (Ooohhh geez! I really don't even have to mention ANYTHING here!)

Artist Rating: 5.0 (I'm giving this guy minor kudos, because he co-writes all of his stuff except for the odd-cover, but that's it. Michael Bolton *only wishes* that his vocal delivery would be enough to make these songs gut wrenching. If Beethoven were alive, I'd pay Michael Bolton's tuition for a lesson.)

Track Reviews

Soul Provider (Foul Vomiter) 6.5/10

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ... WHATEVER! Just so that I don't get labeled an overly biased Web reviewer or anything, I'm hereby rewarding "Soul Provider" with a 6.5, because ... um ... I'm not vomiting very violently. This is an utterly corny sap-fest that's ... just really bloody awful, but I suppose for ever how much that it's worth the melody isn't totally awful and the arranging, though corny, was professionally done. But no one can ignore the simple fact that this is a sap-fest.

Georgia On My Mind (Pimples on My Bum) 7/10

And Michael Bolton dons a sexy red sparkly dress and sings "Georgia On My Mind" in a 30s-style nightclub full of easily-excitable men! (I knew he had it in him!) Apart from a well-played saxophone (or whatever) here and a very heavy drum, this song is utterly worthless! I'm serious! I realize that whoever wrote this originally didn't think that Michael Bolton would be singing it, but he gives it one of the most insane vocal performances that I've ever heard ... ever. He thought he was being serious! But if anyone has Georgia on their mind so pseudo-seriously, (not to mention the sparkly red dress) he seriously ought to consider checking himself into some kind of facility. That all said, for this perverse reason, I enjoy this song. (It also helps that Michael Bolton had nothing to do with the songwriting credits.) Therefore, I give "Georgia On My Mind" a 7.

It's Only My Heart (So, Please Remove It So That I Can Die) 7.5/10

Well, this song succeeds ... very narrowly ... because the melody and arranging has enough merits to fully carry this one until its conclusion. That said, it's still sappy in an annoying way that only Michael Bolton could ever muster up like this! I can't listen to this more than one, though ... If I listen to it again, I'm sure that I would be forced to lower this score even more ... *gurgle*

How Am I Supposed to Live Without You (Easy: You're Not) 5.5/10

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... hobbittsses makes me wants to vomitssessssss ... precioussssss ... Er ... sorry ... one of my other personalities briefly had control over my bodysssesss. It won't happen again. This is a sappy sappy sappy song that was authentically signed by Michael Bolton. An authentic Michael Bolton sap song? ARGGGH! And to this song I say: Ooooooooh brothersssessss. However, just to prove that the music industry adored Michael Bolton's signature sappiness, they gave him a Grammy for this one ... those idiots ...

How Can We Be Lovers (If I Am a 14-Inch Chihuahua) 7.5/10

I am REALLY having an awful time listening to all of this dreck. What's more, I'm having a *really really* difficult time actually finding out that I see *something* in all of these songs and I have to account for these *somethings* and not trash these songs like they fully deserve! Argh! This is so *frustrating*! At any rate, "How Can We Be Lovers (If I Am a 14-Inch Chihuahua)" has a melody, but it suffers most completely by Michael Bolton's inane insistence to make all of his songs as cheesy as possible. What a dork.

You Wouldn't Know Love (And Neither Would Michael Bolton Know Songs) 5.5/10

Oh ... overproduced ... slick ... garbage ... This song is the *very essence* of Michael Bolton. This one is also rather poorly written. See ... it's buried. Although, it has some *very meager* hooks, so I cayn't trash it so entirely ... grrrr ... I'm only trying to be fair ... reluctantly ...

When I'm Back On My Feet Again (I Still Wonder Whatever Happened to My Brain) 2/10

Oh *MAN* ... Now, this *is* awful! This is just another one of those idiotic, sentimental Michael Bolton songs where he *totally* oversings! The only difference between this song and the ones that precede it is that it has absolutely NO melody (that's worth identifying)! There's no redeeming qualities with this one, baby. So I traysh!

From Now On (I Shall Maketh All the Men of This World Vomiteth) 5/10

It's slightly more melodic than that last piece of utter dribble, but it still sucks. (Oh man! This one also sounds uncomfortably like Joe Cocker's crappy "Up Where We Belong (On the Receiving End of a Firing Squad)."

Love Cuts Deep (Just Like I'm About to Cut Michael Bolton) 4/10

I seriously wouldn't have minded if Michael Bolton would have just lopped off the end of this album. That way, I could do something more constructive than review stupid Michael Bolton songs! This one isn't only poorly-written and nauseous, it's utterly BORING.

Stand Up For Love (On Michael Bolton's Face) 5/10

Can you believe that this song is nearly five minutes? I can't believe that I didn't commit suicide, either. This is just another one of those songs that Bolton sings pseudo-dramatically in a way that's supposed to *inspire* me ... I'm happy to say, however, that Bolton *does* inspire me! ... to lose my cookies ...

Tell me all about how much you drool over Michael Bolton's seeexy picture here!