Time, Love and Vomit

Overall Album Score: 4.2 out of 10

Michael Bolton saved my life. I was contemplating suicide by rolling round in body paint when the song "When a Man Loves a Pancake" came on the radio. Tears welled in my eyes. There's no guarantee that I'll be able to enjoy pancakes in the afterlife, so I decided that I'll let my current life take its course. 2062 will be the year I die (I calculated it to the year, but I'm unclear about the month ... my sources are pointing to May), and you can bet I'll be eating a lot of pancakes that year.

And so, here I am ... I am floating in a vat of elephant dung and urine, AKA the fourth Michael Bolton album. It smells so badly that my olfactory receptors aren't registering anything anymore (everything has its limits). This is the album that has the infamous hit "When a Man Loves a Woman," which isn't tolerable to any (respectable) man's ear. I don't even like the original version. I don't care who wrote it. It's a bad song that gives soul a bad name. Michael Bolton is evil, and he made it even worse. The fact that it became one of the biggest hits of the early '90s proves that Satan is very much in control of the universe.

I will say that I like the first song "Love is a Wonderful Thing," and singlehandedly saves this album from approaching "worst album" status. The last two songs aren't bad, either, one of which is curiously co-written by Bob Dylan. But the rest of the album isn't good enough to poop on. To put it in perspective "When a Man Loves a Woman" isn't the worst song on here.

...So let that conclude another chapter of my book of useless reviews...

Overall Album Score: 4.2 out of 10 (Michael Bolton's worst offering = His biggest commercial success. Meanwhile, there are struggling musicians around the world. There is no justice.)

Average Song Score: 4.6 (Miserable! The first song is good. The last two are fine. Murder the rest.)

Album Tilt: 4.0 (My speakers dieded.)

Artist Rating: 4.0 (Michael Bolton should make fun of himself sometimes. That way, he wouldn't be such an easy target. Making fun of Michael Bolton comes as naturally as breathing.)

Track Reviews

Love is a Wonderful Thing 8.5/10

This song is uncomfortable for me as a Peter Gabriel fan, because this reminds me so much of Gabriel's Us, which isn't too far away from a masterpiece. So I'll suck it up and fess up that Michael Bolton has a good song here. The melody is catchy, the production is generally constructive to such a song, and I like Bolton's vocal performance. The faux-gospel singers are even tolerable. (Gospel in pop music is one thing I have a really *difficult* time enduring.) So, kudos, Michael Bolton. You are victorious ... this time ... (But he ripped off the Isley Brothers for this? Say it ain't so!)

Time, Love and Tenderness 6/10

Oh, here's where it starts. "Love is a Wonderful Thing" was a fluke ... the moment when Michael Bolton restrained himself and came up with a decent song. Here's a song that's so obviously dated that you can pinpoint the exact year it was released. I'm already having second grade flashbacks!! The melody has its moments especially in the chorus, but the flow gets interrupted by those awful chantings of "Time, Love and Tenderness." This song is bland and poorly conceived. All that said, this is one of the finest songs on the album.

Missing You Now 3/10

It's like Michael Bolton meets Kenny G ... the opening six notes of that soprano saxophone managed to generate the exact sequence required to get my stomach to contract and shoot up its contents through my esophagus to generate a mighty display of projectile vomiting. This is the worst song ever made. OK, there's probably worse ones, but I can't think of them right now. (OK I'm on allmusic.com, and apparently that is Kenny G. I win; give me $1,000,000.)

Forever Isn't Long Enough 4/10

All I can say is that twenty seconds was too long for this song. Forever is how long it takes for that soulless gospel choir to finally shut up (after a too-long fade-out sequence). Bolton's vocal performance is completely over-the-top ... Oh, if only the guy wasn't dead-serious.

Now That I Found You 2/10

This guy makes Phil Collins look like a genius. Michael Bolton has a good voice, but he doesn't know how to use it. Hear how he's straining his voice in the "uplifting" chorus? IS HE KIDDING??? That reminds me of the music playing during the romantic beach sequence in Airplane except he's serious. The production is more sparse this time, which I usually consider to be a good idea, but ... anything to drown out that vocal performance would have benefitted this track greatly.

When a Man Loves a Woman 3/10

Surprisingly, this isn't the worst song of the album. ... The middle of this song features what has got to be the worst key-change in the history of music. I don't say that with certainly, but ... it's pretty bad. Don't just throw key-changes around like they don't mean anything.

We're Not Making Love Anymore 1/10

...That's probably because of your haircut. Or maybe the fact that you sing crappy songs. Either one. This is a duet with some female singer that I can't seem to locate the identity of. It makes "When a Man Loves a Woman" sound like "Penny Lane." 'Nuff said.

New Love 3.5/10

More adult contemporary garbage. This it's so offensive to the ears as much as it's boring. Whoever that is playing the electric guitar wanted to get *paid*. I can tell that eagerness by witnessing the energy and passion in those bland licks.

Save Me 7/10

..........Well, if you can't stand your songs while you're singing them, what makes you think you should put them on a mass-produced album? Save me from those drums and orchestral hits!!! What do you think this is, 1991?!!! ... Oh, yeah. 1991 sucked. The drums distract me from Michael Bolton's vocal performance, so that's a big plus. The little section around the 2:50 mark isn't bad and it wasn't milked out enough. These guys have no clue!!! ... Actually, this is a good song all around. I just like to complain. I should retitle my Web site "Don Ignacio Complains A Lot."

Steel Bars 7.5/10

True, this is an adult contemporary song that's overproduced and SOOO 1991, but it has a good chorus. A very good chorus. If Michael Bolton had personality in his voice, it would have sounded better. ... OK, according to my sources, Bob Dylan co-wrote this song. Now, I can say without a moment's hesitation: I don't understand what Bob Dylan does most of the time.

Tell me how much you looooooooooooooove Michael Bolton here.