Flat Skitty

Overall Album Score: 7.1 out of 10

FAT CITYYYYYYYY ... I have no idea what she's talking about. Fat city? The city has popped its zipper? (Do cities wear pants, I wonder?) Or, is the city the producer of fatty foods such as lard, butter, and coconut oil? ... Or, does the city posses a lot of fat people? ............. If it's that last one, I think she must be talking about Wichita, Kansas. There are a lot of fat people here ... Some of them are so fat that I see them ordering nachos with FAT cheese and popcorn with extra FAT butter that would just end up adding onto the FAT on their BUTTS. They'll never get around to burning it off, either, unless they have some liposuction done. About the only exercise they ever do is walking to their car, physically activating the turn signal lever driving to the movie theater whilst stopping at every McDonalds on the way there (which is about one every two blocks), walking to the movie theater, walking to the concession stand, and ordering more fat for their butts. This is a crrrraaaaazzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyy world of fat people we live in. And, apparently, Shawn Colvin realized this and she entitled her sophomore album Fat City.

And what a disappointing album Fat City is. This album should be called Fat Songs, because that's all that's here! FAT SONGS!!!!! SONGS THAT ARE SO FAT THAT THEY DO NOTHING EXCEPT BULGE OUT OF THE BELTLINE!!! ... Or, maybe even more appropriately, this album should have been called Flat Songs. So very surprisingly lack of good melody and that beauty that was so expressly exhibited in Steady On is scarcely present here. Therefore, I am left to wonder in capital lettering: CRAP! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?????

I don't know, but I am very disappointed with this effort. THE FIRST ALBUM WAS SOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!

On the bright side of this, Colvin still manages to sound sincere here. Although, the odd exception of that is "Tennessee," where she doesn't sound sincere whatsoever. The reason it's odd is because that dang well is the best song of the album! It's just not one of those introspective, sincere types of songs! It's more of a pop-rock thing that should be sung by Tina Turner or Grace Slick or someone with actual power in her voice. I never noticed until then how absolutely weak her voice is! Nevertheless, she usually knows how to write songs around that voice, and it can be perfectly lovely. Just not here.

Overall Album Score: 7.1 out of 10 (Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring. ... It's not, necessarily, self-indulgent CRAP, but it's still boring. It's lacking any of those great magical, momentous occasions that we saw in Steady On, unfortunately.)

Average Song Score: 7.2 (Missing out on the melodies most of the time, we are left to trudge through a bunch of mediocre adult-contemporary song production and Colvin's own weak vocals.)

Album Tilt: 7.0 (It's boring ... but at least it's consistently boring. No song scored beneath a six, at least.)

Artist Rating: 7.0 (She's no cretin. She sounded like she genuinely wanted to make a great album here with these romantic/blubububuubuub lyrics and sincere vocals. She can't help it if she's absolutely boring!)

Track Reviews

Polaroids 8/10

She repeats herself too much. That's why women don't make good singer-songwriters. (I've decided that my site isn't getting enough web-traffic, so I'm going to start spicing some of these reviews up with controversial remarks.) ... Actually, what I said was true: this song does repeats the same line of melody over and over and over and over and over and ... chorus ... and over and over and over and, etc. Other than that, Colvin does sound rather sincere. Sincerity is an ASSet, or whatever.

Tennessee 9/10

If you're reading this (and if you're not reading this, then ....... whoah) and you're from Tennessee, then I want to tell you: YOU'RE A HICK AND GET OFF MY WEBSITE! (...Sorry about that, but I do mean to offend. Site traffic is still kinda low, you see.) ... This song, Colvin decides to spice things up with a nice song that you can dance to. The melody is really well written (and it's not a stupid-woman song). ... Yeah! DANCE TO TENNESSEEEEEEEEEEEE... This song really sounds like she should have been giving a Grace Slick-esque vocal performance, but frankly she's being a bit of a wimp. (And this proves to me how weak her voice is ... even though it does sound perfectly suited for the slow stuff.) I like the song a lot! ... The passion required is missing for that full 10, however.

Tenderness on the Block 7/10

Oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... Does this song title sound cheesy to anyone else? ... It sure does to me! ... I wouldn't necessarily care about that if the song were good. This is passable, but ... uhhhhh ... this is starkly underwhelming! Bluuuuhhhhh!

Round of Blues 8.5/10

Happy ... light ... and happy. The melody is altogether decent (the chorus does manage to catch fire, though, fortunately). ... This song reminds me of the best moments from Steady On, and it's pretty close to matching them.

Monopoly 6/10

Booooooriiiiiiiiingggggggggg... But I guess if you're already thinking about listening to women (Shawn Colvin being one of them ... she's like George Sand ... a WOMAN), you pretty much are already accustomed to being bored. ... This might be this introspective malarkey or whatever, but it's introspective on how tired I actually am at the moment. ... It reminds me on how little sleep I got last night! ... This song is bleak and boring and ... I'm going to bed.

Orion in the Sky 6.5/10

Boy ... Shawn Colvin really isn't picking up on that heavenly vibe she tapped into a few times on her debut. This song picks up a little steam, but this is largely just one soggy, overlong bore-fest.

Climb On (a Back That's Strong) 7/10

I let out a big yawn before listening to this! And ... I'm listening to the middle of this song now, and I'm letting out a big yawn as I speak! (Seriously! I was telling the truth there!) And I can imagine that I'm going to let out another big yawn when it's over with. ... There's certainly life in this song, but I miss the good melody that was in her debut. ... I was genuinely impressed then! I don't know what happened here.

Set the Prairie on Fire 7/10

That's one way to dispose of these no-good Internet critics. Set the freaking prairie on fire. (I live in Kansas, you know.) And ... Uhhhhhh ... That would certainly make things interesting right now ... 'cause this 7-minute song sure isn't. Okay, the good news is that I generally like the atmosphere of this. It has a good groove going that I could get into if I wasn't bored out of my mind. ... (I'm going to undergo some serious Led Zeppelin-therapy after this.)

Object of My Affection 7.5/10

You're the object of my boreeeedommmmmmmmmm... I swear it. Shawn Colvin did very well in her debut! Other than this being a more upbeat song, this is just as remarkably hookless and dull as that previous song was. M-e-d-i-o-c-r-e.

Kill the Messenger 6/10

COME ONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU UNLESS YOU CAN GIVE US A GOOD TUNEEE!!!!! IT DOES MATTER HOW MANY DRUMS YOU THROW IN THERE, DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Don't Know Why 7/10

I don't know why I'm reviewing freaking Shawn Colvin. But her debut sounded so nice and was so promising!! It thought Fat City would be the mature and gorgeous growth that many such artists churn out after such debuts. But no!! This is dull boring and stupid. DULL BORING AND STUPID!!!!!! You'd have to be a freaking female to like this adult-contemporary poop.

Eat cheese and cake here!