Music for Dorks

Overall Album Score: 8.7 out of 10

BRIAN ENO!!!!

What a weird name! ... And he's not even famous enough to be in crossword puzzles ... that's really crap, because his name like a dream come true for the poor saps who took jobs as crossword puzzle makers. ... That's got to be the worst job EVER. ... What do they dream about? "OOOHHH!!!! WHY COULDN'T "RETR" BE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE??? WHY!!!!!" ... And they're absolutely obsessed with Charlie Chaplin's wife! ... She did have eight kids with her husband, though. That is newsworthy.

But, this is Brian Eno. He released an album called Before and After Science, which was the BESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! And now? It's an album full of weird old ambient songs. ..................... YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you're among the four people on the planet who enjoy the ambient song on the end of David Bowie's "Heroes", then you're sure to enjoy these. I can't say that they are better than the ones on "Heroes", but they do measure-up. With the exception of, maybe, five tracks (out of 18), these songs do colorfully portray a mood (OR EVEN AN EVENT) with stark detail! Of course, depending on who you are and your own personal background, you'll probably envision different things than I did. BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THESE SONGS ARE SO DANG AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S ART!!! CAN'T YOU SEE???????????????????

Oh, Brian Eno is the awesomest! He's the inspiration to every going-bald college person in the world.

Overall Album Score: 8.7 out of 10 (All hail Brian Eno and his freaking awesome instrumental album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE ROOOOLZZZZZZ!!!!!)

Average Song Score: 8.7 (Pretty freaking great instrumental, mood-music songs! ... Very great. Most of these songs are VERY vivid! ... This is better than most New Age music I (attempted) to listen to! ... It's better than Grey Poupon mustard, too! ... I can't believe Grey Pouponed it ...)

Album Tilt: 8.5 (Everything is kept interesting throughout this ... The songs are wisely not overlong, and there is a wide variety of 'themes,' Eno tries out here. Really, this is quite a nice album!!)

Artist Rating: 9.0 (You'll rarely run across an album with more vivid instrumentals on it ... The only other ones I can think of are other Brian Eno albums!)

Track Reviews

Aragon 9/10

Very creepy ... *eek!* THERE'S SOME ominous thing LOOKING AT ME!!!! It's a very short instrumental ... sort of minimalistic.

From the Same Hill 9/10

Eno-son packs on the atmosphere tightly with this song, with some occasional noodling from an acoustic guitar. ... This starts out pretty normal, but toward the end of it, it seems to grow more restless.

Inland Sea 8/10

AIRPLANE NOISE!!!! ... well, it has that droning quality of an airplane engine. And then a smooth synth starts playing stuff. ... This is interesting to listen to because it sorta makes you think about it ... but as far as *moods* go ... this seems pale compared to the previous two.

Two Rapid Formations 10/10

It sounds like wind and then whale noises. ... Seems like good music for an underwater sea water adventure for an IMAX movie. ... It's very soothing to listen to!! Very colorful, indeed. Brian Eno is *the* dude.

Slow Water 9.5/10

You know what this sounds *particularly* like? MYST MUSIC!!! ... Those wonderful old atmospheric adventure games that I wasted half of my time in high school trying to figure out. The sounds are very ... echoey ... sort of like a good New Age song. And it's very soothing, too. The quiet, inoffensive piano in here was a great touch. Nice!!!

Sparrowfall 1 8/10

Hardly more than a minute long ... It doesn't exactly present a *mood* per se.

Sparrowfall 2 7.5/10

Thirty seconds longer this time ... I'm not too impressed with this one, either. It's sort of cold, emotionless ... It's just a lot of synths.

Sparrowfall 3 8/10

It sounds exactly like the last "Sparrow" song, except it's louder. ... For that reason, it's more threatening to me ... but it still seems dull to me. ... Maybe that's because the whole songs contain about two chords that go back and forth...

Alternative 3 9.5/10

Yay!!! Eno goes back to doing those awesome atmospheric songs! This is yet another creepy one ... It sounds like a good song for a horror movie ... when some girl goes creeping around in a dark and spooky attic ... This sends shivers down my spine!!

Quartz 8/10

...It's a 7 on Moh's Hardness scale ... it has NO cleavage (it displays a conchoidal fracture) ... it's one part silica, two parts oxygen ... It's written on a lot of watches ... and it's a song by Brian Eno! ENO MADE IT!!!!! ... Um ... I don't think the world of it. Sort of has nice atmosphere, but ... that's all. Not great mood stuff, eh?

Events in a Dense Fog 8.5/10

What events? I can't see!! NOOOOO!!!!!! HELP!!!!!! ... Oh, I'm not in a fog. Listening to this song made me think I was, though. I was scared for a minute. Oh, geez.

There is Nobody 9/10

...Man, thank goodness I'm not suicidal or anything, because ... I am feeling kinda lonely ... Thanks to Brian Eno for pointing out that that "There is Nobody." Yeah, real nice. ... What's that clicking sound? ... Oh yeah, I'm still listening to an album! ... Man ... Um ... Yeah. I'm feeling pretty creeped out, man. Very creeped out.

Patrolling Wire Borders 10/10

Sounds like a cyber-song-title if you ask me. ... Not sure how Brian would have known about cyberspace in 1978. Then again, he is the guy who predicted New Wave and all that ... he probably had access to a time machine or something, so he could make all the money before everyone else could. ... Yeah, it didn't work too well. There's only, like, one person within my close-knit of friends who knows who Brian Eno is. ... Well, I'm the only member of my close-knit of friends, but ... Still, this guy ain't no freaking rock star! ... Oh ... I'm supposed to be reviewing this song, aren't I? ... It took me longer to type this paragraph than how long the song was ... I'm listening to "A Measured Room" now! ... Oooh!! I've got to pause it!!! ....... Okay ........... Um .......... Crud, I forgot what this song was about already!!! BLARK!!!!! ... Oh yes. I remember now. ... Those creepy synth-voilin/scratching noises! There's like two of these scratching things that interplay with each other like 'the duel of the banjos' except this thing is really creepy, and I think robots are involved and they hate each other.

A Measured Room 8/10

Never thought about making a song about measuring rooms before ... I guess that's why Brian Eno is the 'musical genius' and stuff. He's bald, too, which helps your 'musical genius' image. ... He probably lost his hair via electrocution! I'm losing my hair, too, but that's only because of the electro-shock therapy. I'm not a musical genius or anything.

Task Force 9/10

This doesn't sound like a task force to me! Shouldn't the theme song for a task force involve the national anthem, or something? Because I see these movies, and ... they like the national anthem. And they say weird stuff like "huuuuahhhh" or "hoarg" or "hckackkk" or "THIS THING IS GUNNA BLOWWWWWAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ... Nothing like this song, which sounds like some creep is creeping up on another creep and there are old school video game dragons shooting laser-balls at random places on the walls.

M386 9.5/10

Another video game song! ... How did Brian Eno know about video games? ... It sounds so freaking creepy and atmospheric with robot-monsters belching in the background and ... man!!!! I WANT THIS GAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! ROBOT MONSTER BELCHERS, I WILL BLOWWWWWYERRRRRRRBRAINSSSSSSOUTTTTTT!!!!!

Strange Light 8/10

...How did Brian Eno know about lights? 1978 was before Thomas Paine Edison invented electricity and his assistant accidentally blew something up, thus forming the sun. How could there have been lights??? (...Yeah... 1978 ... before I was born ... There was NOTHING before me. Nothing.) Oh ... this song. Do you want to know about this song? It's all quiet and echoey and stuff. I guess that's strange light for you. ... Light is pretty strange come to think of it ... I'm not sure if it's light shining on the darkness, or darkness shining around the light ... toughie...

Final Sunset 8.5/10

Uh oh ... I hope Thomas Paine Edison isn't thinking about doing away with his lab-experiment-gone-wrong (i.e. the Sun) and is thinking of distinguishing it. That would be bad! I LIKE THE SUN!!!!!!!! PLEASE LET IT STAY!!!!!!!!! I PROMISE I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... This is track review #1443 and the final one; thank goodness for that! I was running out of things to make up. The song. It's all echoey!!! ECHO!!! ... echo!!! ... HELLOOOOO!!! ... hello!!! ... YOUR MOTHER IS A NACHO!!! ... no, *your* mother is a nacho!!! ................... Darn echo.

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