Blood on the Fancy Door

Overall Album Score: 7.6 out of 10

This really isn’t an EP. However, because I’m an old bastard who votes Republican a lot, I’m refusing to review any of the remixes in the album. Heck, I don’t want to review those songs again because MJ was feeling too insecure about himself to … I don’t know … write NEW ONES. Or at least make some inspired covers of songs. There's nothing unholy about making inspired covers.

He’s doing the whole “Let’s release my new songs with old songs” thing again … any of Jackson’s fans who want to buy his new songs have to buy his old ones to get at them. … That was mean! … But this isn’t quite the same as what he did on HIStory. The old songs are remixes of them. … But the only people who are interested in remixes are people who are not me. So I’m not gonna touch them. The End.

There are five new songs. Two of them are really good. The album opens with the flamboyant and totally fun title track in which Jackson is on top of his game. … A good one for the kids. “Superfly Sister” is likewise! Lodged between those two songs is a near hunk of crap called “Morphine,” which features loud, obnoxious industrial noises … ick! The final two tracks are mid-quality. “Ghosts” is fine, but it ought to have been more fun. Jackson, I think, was trying to recreate the vibe he had going with the song “Thriller,” but couldn’t quite muster it up. The fifth and final song is “Is it Scary.” It’s kind of like a regular Michael Jackson song, except there’s no awesome groove to enjoy. … Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anyway, I’m reviewing this as a phantom EP since I’m totally ignoring the remixes. Remixes are only worth money for fans, and I ain’t one! … So, this review is pretty much worthless.

Overall Album Score: 7.6 out of 10 (Only worth listening to for two songs that recall Jackson’s glory days … the rest are just filler.)

Average Song Score: 7.9 (Two of these songs are great. One is pretty good. The other two, no one would have missed.)

Album Tilt: 7.5 (Hit and miss.)

Artist Rating: 7.5 (He’s not taking many chances, though he doesn’t sound as washed up as you might think he would.)

Track Reviews

Blood on the Dance Floor 9.5/10

…Oh, why should I even bother denying that I totally enjoy this song? Michael Jackson reminds us why he was so popular with dance-pop! The song is not only danceable, but it sports a catchy melody and a formidable vocal performance and … Heck, if his face wasn’t being plastered all over the media in 1997, you might not have thought Jackson changed much by only listening to this!

Morphine 6/10

…Well, that didn’t last for long, did it? It’s been well known that Jackson has been becoming increasingly over-polished and industrial in his electronic music. This song is so industrial that it sounds like he literally got the groove by going in an early 20th Century factory and recording sounds … and he didn’t make a very compelling song out of it. The hooks are conspicuously absent. The middle of the song unexpectedly and clumsily metamorphoses into a quiet, happy thing. That part was nice, but … didn’t belong. And then the industrial thing comes back. … The song certainly could have been worse, but this isn’t the most entertaining thing on earth.

Superfly Sister 9/10

Um … Talk about hit-and-miss! This is another song with a groove good enough to have fit perfectly on Bad. Jackson’s vocals performance, half-rapping half-singing, is entertaining. And … hey! Good groove!!! It didn’t need to be six and a half minutes long, but … GOOD GROOVE! I even like the too-loud drums! Three cheers for Michael Jackson! He might be totally bizarre, but the dude does know pop music … most of the time.

Ghosts 8/10

Another fine groove! … It’s sounds more metallic here and it’s completely enjoyable, though it’s not quite as tight and generally awesome as “Superfly Sister.” There’s some spookiness going on, too, to fit with the song title.

Is it Scary 7/10

Michael Jackson is going all … mid-tempoed here. And where’s the groove? … THERE’S NO AWESOME POP-GROOVE!!!! … Come on, man! What’s the point of a Michael Jackson song without a Michael Jackson groove? … The melody and production works well enough to keep the song going without growing tiresome or nauseating, but that’s never a compelling reason to enjoy a song. (Is this song’s title referring to his face?)

Get blood on the reviewer here!