HIStory Vol. I Don't Care

Overall Album Score: 6.2 out of 10

Oooooooooooooo!!! Not only is Michael Jackson's total weirdness in public is becoming more apparent in this period of HIStory, his music is starting to really suck now. (I guess the plastic surgeons must have accidentally removed some of his awesomeness, too.)

Jackson apparently was so insecure about the 15 new songs he'd written that he decided to package it with a 15-track greatest hits album! ... Yeah, and I bet the CD cost twice as much as it would have normally. (Very shrewd, Meister Jackson.) And all the critics reviewing the album would have also had to take into account all those FREAKING AWESOME hits that Jackson managed to muster up during his career instead of totally trashing the new stuff.

Well, that's not going to work on me, sonny boy! I'M TOTALLY IGNORING THE GREATEST HITS ALBUM IN THIS REVIEW, AND I'M GOING TO FOCUS ON CRAPPING ON THESE NEW SONGS!!!!

I actually liked "Earth Song." To some of you, who know that song well and dislike it to the point that it makes your blood boil, that statement might not bode well for what the rest of the album sounds like! Well, rest assured, I'm weird. I probably like it more than you.

"Scream," the song that opened the album, is a good one, too. It's heavy. The groove is kind of affecting ... but it hardly holds much of a candle to its big brothers from Bad and Dangerous. "Stranger in Moscow" is also a favorite on here ... and it's not horrible, ya know. Um ... it's kind of sappy ...

Oh ... but here comes the trashing ... "They Don't Care About Us" is a horrible protest song. "Come Together" is a desecration of the Beatles' classic. "Childhood" goes beyond crappy and so does "Smile." ... Bbbbbbbbbblaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! Needless to say, I was rather disappointed with History Vol. The Sucky Half.

Overall Album Score: 6.2 out of 10 ( Michael Jackson sucks now! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!)

Average Song Score: 6.5 (Michael Jackson can take his new songs, put it in a juicy fish, and feed it to Willy (Nelson))

Album Tilt: 6.0 (BBBBLAAAAAABBBBBBBB)

Artist Rating: 6.0 (His pretentiousness is catching up with him. These songs SUCK.)

Track Reviews

Scream 8/10

Well, Jackson at least does a nice job sounding PARANOID here ... but that's to the expense of everything else! The groove is pretty good, but it's hardly infectious like it was on so many other Jackson albums. ... And he even says a bad word!! Ooooo!!! He's quite naughty! ... It's a heavy song that's a bit too over-the-top, I think.

They Don't Care About Us 5/10

...Um... there are CHILDREN chanting in this song! ... And what's with all this protest chanting, anyway? Who does he think he is? John Lennon? (Yeah, um, what with a "Come Together" cover later on in this album) ... Also, what's with all those electronic raps? ... You know, they're perfectly fine in a lot of other Jacko songs, but here it's just annoying. I think the dude's forgotten how to groove. The instrumental interlude in the middle of this song is a bunch of dooooodooooooooooooo.

Stranger in Moscow 7.5/10

Mossssscooowwwwwww!!!! ... According to the Internet, there are a lot of single women in Moscow. ... The reason I know that, I'd rather not divulge. And so now, Jacko's singing the obligatory third-track ballad and ... it's not bad. It's very adult-contemporary, and it's not awesome enough to make up for the fact that it's sappy, but ... it's freaking better than that previous stupid track.

This Time Around 7/10

He puts together a nice groove here ... there isn't very much melodic innovation in here. (Indeed, it's arguable if there really is a melody in here.) Maybe the rapping in the middle of this song gives us reason for that! ... Rap = Suck.

Earth Song 9/10

The choral chorus is rather compelling ... and the song has an altogether well written melody. Despite the fact that the song is a really corny, pseudo-emotional song about *ahem* the EARTH, it's pretty nice. ... Um ... At least it's not about children holding hands or billy goats.

D. S. 7/10

... Dog Snot? ... What's with Michael Jackson's grooves? HE'S LOST HIS TOUCH!!! They used to be so much fun to listen to ... the ones on HIStory are too rigid and too annoyingly repetitive. Bluh.

Money 7.5/10

A PINK FLOYD COVER!!!! A PINK FLOYD COVER!!!! ... Okay, I lied. This isn't really a Pink Floyd cover ... I had ya fooled, though, didn't I? HEeeeeeHEeeeeee!!!! This is another rap song! I hate to sound so freaking biased and/or fanatically religious, but RAP MUSIC IS THE DEVIL!!!!!! ... Eh, the rapping's only on part of this. The rest of it sounds like it was left out of the final cut of Thriller for not being good enough.

Come Together 6/10

A BEATLES COVER!!!! A BEATLES COVER!!!! ... Okay, I ****NOT**** LIED!!! ... What's with this guy? ... Doesn't he own the publishing rights of this song, too? ... Man! I guess if I owned the publishing rights of Beatles songs, I would record a few covers, too. ... This really isn't a cover, anyway. It's more like a desecration. ... I don't even want to think about this cover anymore!! ... Drum machines?? ... *turns away with pain* I hope John didn't have to roll over in his grave too much.

You Are Not Alone 7/10

Ahhhhhh!!! Now here's a song I used to listen to on the radio WAAAAYYY back in the old days, when I was twelve. ... Um ... no wonder, ten years later, that I'm so messed up. This is the ultimate 90s sap-fest from the weirdo himself. The melody isn't awful ... it's just too sappy and not awesome enough, which is something that Jackson managed to evade until now.

Childhood (Theme From "Free Willy 2") 4/10

I don't know why I never cracked down and watched "Free Willy 2" ... I saw the first one several times when it was released! ... (Hey, I was a kid! And whales are awesome! And so is Wales!) ... But now, I have a good reason never to see that movie! THIS SONG BLOWS!!!!! (Hey, do you like my pun? ... You know ... Willy has a blowhole ...) Why in the world did they need to make a sequel? They already freed him once. Bluuuhhhh! ... And ... ohhhhhhhhhh, this song is beyond crappy. It's a dramatic and overly lush ballad about Michael Jackson wondering where his childhood went ... yeah, we all know about that ... a little bit too much.

Tabloid Junkie 6/10

And now Jackson's writing this utterly transparent song of him moaning about the paparazzi. Ick!!! This song would be pretty good if IT DIDN'T SUCK! ... The groove is too second rate and ... I don't want to listen to all this stuff he's complaining about because I DON'T CARE ...

2 Bad 7/10

Not horrible this time ... the hard groove works somewhat ... Um ... The rap parts in here are still SUCK, though. (Hey, it's not like I heard decent rap music in my day ... this just isn't it.)

History 6/10

A lot of news clips start this song recounting some major popular events of history ... in a TOTALLY UNINTERESTING FASHION!!!! ... When the songs starts up with its unnatural and crappy groove, it's really awful ... but then it suddenly turns into something decent ... and then the crappy groove comes back ... and then the decentish chorus begins again ... I'm going nuts listening to this. The end of the song is a bunch of overdubbed voices spouting off dates and the events that happened on them. I repeat: WHO CARESSSSSSSSS!!! ... And the quotes from politicians and astronauts and stuff. I re-repeat: WHO FRIKIN' CARESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS????????????

Little Suzie 6.5/10

Oh no ... I guess all attempts at getting a court order keeping Michael Jackson away from children's choirs was a total failure. (...Oh dear, that was a Michael Jackson joke, wasn't it? Well, I don't care, anymore! This album isn't very good! I make fun of this bizzaro man as much as I want now! ... I reserve that right if you make crappy songs, dangit.) ... That stuff is alright as far as classical choir stuff goes. ... But what comes after that is pretty funny. It features a toy carousel (or something) and a kid humming away with the song ... Pretty creepy. For more reasons than one. But I guess "Little Suzie" is a girl, so she's safe. And then after THREE MINUTES OF THAT BALONEY, the actual song starts up. ... And it's this weird overblown show-tune thing. ... The melody is pretty nice. I don't know why Jackson is singing about a dead girl. That's pretty weird, too.

Smile 4/10

Another very overblown show-tune. It sounds like he'd written this for a Disney soundtrack, but the producers threw it out, because it SUCKED. And they'd have been right for doing this. This song does suck. Not only is it overblown, but the tune is NOT CATCHY AT ALL!!!! Boooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I renounce everything good I said about you, Michael Jacko

Kick the reviewer in the groin here!