Off to the Mall

Overall Album Score: 8.1 out of 10

Oh, for heaven's sake, this guy was awesome once.

Michael Jackson. That name either sends shivers down your spine or ... um ... shivers down your spine. And I'm sure he needs no introduction. And I didn't really need to review this album ... because everyone who's on this page probably already formulated an opinion on this album! ... Yeah. I'm wasting my time ... and I'm loving every minute of it!

Clucking bell, some of these songs are just GREAT!! Like that one songs "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough." Yeah ... it doesn't get much better than that, my friends. ... But "Working All Day and Night" does manage to come dang close. ... Why did Michael Jackson have to turn into such a loser? He was the coolest guy on the planet once! ... It was the old switcheroo.

Unfortunately, some of these songs really do blow. Even though it seems to be one of the most beloved songs off the album, "She's Out of My Life" is one of the biggest hunks of crap that I ever had to listen to. It's adult contemporary garbage ... it's toneless and boring. Jackson's vocal performance on that one was reportedly genuine (he cries at the end) ... but ... seriously ... do I want to listen to that? NO! And neither should YOU.

But, anyway, this is the first serious Michael Jackson solo album, and it ain't bad. At least there was some justification for this dude's unrelenting popularity ... which seemed to overcome the odds as he was, like, the main singer in the Jackson Five. ... I mean, nothing ever became of Donny Osmond ... yet, he's normal.

Overall Album Score: 8.1 out of 10 (Michael Jackson's first album as a "serious" artist is rather inconsistent ...... but for those great moments, this thing is dang worth it. And Michael Jackson was awesome once.)

Average Song Score: 8.3 (Some great songs ... other crap songs ... For all the great songs in here, this album is worth its weight in gold. You don't have to listen to all those crap ones.)

Album Tilt: 8.0 (Inconsistent to a strong degree. On one hand "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough," "Working Day and Night," and "Get on the Floor" are freaking wonderful. On the other hand, "She's Out of My Life" and "I Can't Help It" sure bite the big one.)

Artist Rating: 8.0 (Well, Michael Jackson wrote the three best songs on here! But this is no artistic feat. It's just commercial. And ... it was quite a success.)

Track Reviews

Don't Stop Till You Get Enough 10/10

It has a danceable groove! What more do you need? ... Yeah! NOTHING!!!! ... NOTHING AT ALL!!!!! But there is more! Good horns, good melody, good vocals ... Yeah. ... I'm pretty sure you don't need me to tell you this. You probably think this song is awesome, too. Pure pop. Pure awesome. (Pure disco? Uh oh!) Unsuccessfully imitated too often throughout the 80s. Yeah ... this is all you really need as far as dance music goes! This thing is even more than six minutes long, and I'm never ready for it to end! ... S-w-e-e-t.

Rock With You 8/10

Yeah ... this is more of that freaking soul music of the Barry White variety. The melody is all right, though, but nowhere near good enough. I like the instrumentation. It's very slick! ... Although, I can't really say I'm finding this too enjoyable. At least they had enough sense to keep this one less than four minutes long.

Working Day and Night 10/10

Queen freaking ripped off this song four years later. I mean ... that's weird! ... This is another dance classic from the not-freaky-yet Michael Jackson. The groove is nice and ... mmmmm ... I think I'm going to start dancing and grab my groin area just like my new hero: Michael Jackson. (Oooooi!!) ... Oh wait. I'm living in the new millennium. Never mind. Michael Jackson is a freak now. I think you'd better remind me of that from time to time.

Get on the Floor 9.5/10

Crap ... this is another really nice dance song! The groove, again, is freaking great. The production is, perhaps, the slickest it ever has been so far in this album. ... I'm really trying to hold myself back from dancing ... but I have to keep my fingers at this keyboard to finish typing this sentence ... I'm done now ...

Off the Wall 8/10

Well ... I mean ... this guy isn't perfect! (...Obviously...) Maybe this is supposed to be more of a low-key dance song, but it does seem a bit of a letdown after those two previous songs that had me grooving to the beat. ... I don't particularly feel like grooving to this beat. Sorry. I do enjoy Jackson's vocal performance. It's fun and playful!

Girlfriend 9/10

Yeah ... if Michael Jackson really wanted people to take him seriously with this album, then what is he doing covering a Wings song? Yeah ... there's something wrong with that equation! ... But ... actually this version is a little better. And more groovier. Yeah. Sweet.

She's Out of My Life 6/10

A schlocky ballad? NO WAY!!!! ... and it's a-puttin-me-to-sleeeeeeepppppp. Zzzzzzzzz... He must have been so popular in the 80s, because people didn't need to buy sleeping pills back then. Blech. I vomits. ... I still hear this song all over the place, though! But why? … There's a lot of sleeping pills circulating around the black market these days! ... There must be a flaw in my theory somewhere.

I Can't Help It 6.5/10

Sickening lounge pop for the late-1970s soul. Yeah. I don't need this poop. I want more of that awesome dance stuff. That was mighty tasty! This stinks. Sorry. (I don't care if it was co-written by Stevie Wonder ... he also co-wrote "Ebony and Ivory!")

It's the Falling in Love 7.5/10

Well at least this one has a beat to it. ... But this is just your average, ordinary late-70s pop stuff. ... Yeah ... Disco sucks.

Burn This Disco Out 8.5/10

Well, at least I'm thinking about getting back on that rug and shaking a thing or two, but the mood's gone. I still remember disliking a bunch of these other songs too strongly. I'm sorry! But this is an effective dance song ... nowhere near as effective as "Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough," but ... what is?

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