Distiller

Overall Album Score: 8.6 out of 10

Any album that contains "Thriller," "Beat It," "Billy Jean," and "P.Y.T." in it deserves to be bought. ... I'm saying this because everyone who bought Thriller in 1982 actually bought a decent product. This isn't an example of a great populace of lemmings rushing to the music store and buying an album just because the record company went to great expenses advertising it. You know ... the grooves are good ... the tunes are catchy ... Jackson's vocals are great ... and ... yeah. Of course, better albums existed in the 80s, and the reason Jackson was so popular was undoubtedly because he's such a masterful self-promoter.

So, this is a good album ...But it's not perfect, you know! ... There's, like, five other songs on here. ... Two of them, "Human Nature" and "The Lady in My Life" are surprisingly very lame and boring ... both are exercises in smooth soul, but are both soulless and hookless. The other three, however, are perfectly nice!!

But, as I said earlier in this freaking review, it's incredibly easy to overlook "Human Nature" and "The Lady in My Life" in light of those four freaking excellent songs (and it's not like the smelly-two are horrible, anyway) ... so, Thriller is a good album. I do agree with the masses. But it's not the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and contrary to popular opinion, the world could have done without Thriller. But thank goodness the world had it, because then we'd just have Like a Virgin.

Overall Album Score: 8.7 out of 10 (For all the love this album gets, I didn't think it's so great ... but many of the songs on it *are* great ... unquestionably. Oh boy, are they great...)

Average Song Score: 9.0 ("Thriller," "Beat It," "Billie Jean," and "P.Y.T." pretty much summarizes whatever was great about 80s pop music ... for the everyman.)

Album Tilt: 8.5 (Four great songs ... two lame ones ... Not the world's most consistent album!!)

Artist Rating: 8.5 (Not artistic at all! ... But there were no artistic pretensions, either. And, for once, a media-hungry pop star seems to be in it not only for the money, but making good music as well.)

Track Reviews

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' 9/10

I wanna be startin' somethin'! I wanna start by only giving this track a 9! That's what! ... Yeah, it's a good song, but ... it's no 10!! You'd think an album as famous and well-regarded as freaking Thriller would at least be able to start off with a 10-scoring song! ... What's THE PROBLEM????!???!?? ... Well, it's a good song. And, probably a smart thing to open the album with. The song is groovy, catchy and fun. Gives this a good launching point. ... But it's not a great song by itself, exactly.

Baby Be Mine 9/10

You know what? ... The tune's not really that catchy. I think I like the instrumentation the best about this song ... it's extremely 80s, but it's also got a funny, quirky quality to it. ... This song, perhaps bordering more on the smooth soul side, again isn't a great song, but it is kind of endearing ... you know. Michael Jackson isn't a freak yet. I can dig it.

The Girl is Mine - (with Paul McCartney) 9/10

In theory, I hate this song. There's something that bothers me about an old rock star (i.e. Paul McCartney) making a glorified cameo with a hip, young musician just for the sake of itself (I'm speaking specifically about that DDDDDDDDDDDDDUMB dialogue at the end of this! P.U.!!!!) ... But then again, it's Paul McCartney! ... WOOWOWOOOOOWOOOO! *sheds underwear* ... I LOVE PAUL MCCARTNEY!!!! ... Speaking of the song itself, it's nice and cool. It's something nice to immerse yourself into ... like a hot bath, maybe. ... I'm a bit surprised that an album as famous as Thriller is at its third track and still isn't exciting. ... Weird, innit?

Thriller 10/10

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhh. Now, this is pure 80s pop mayhem!!! (And there was a lot of mayhem in the 80s, you know.) The groove of this song is awesome. The 80s production is polished and fun. The melody is catchy. Jackson's vocal performance is among his best. ... Yeah. This song is SWEET!!! AWESOME!!!

Beat It 10/10

...It might be the greatest pop song from the 80s. ... Greatest in terms of most famous and beloved--not necessarily the greatest in terms of quality. But it's got good quality! For one, the melody is infectious and catchy (even though, and I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this, but ... don't you think the bar in which Jackson begins singing seems a bit unnatural?). Even better than the melody is the freaking awesome 80s groove. ... Yeah. You know this song. Weird Al covered it. It's engrained in all of our minds.

Billie Jean 10/10

I really don't know why Michael Jackson opened the album with three (relatively speaking) downers, and then goes and puts three of the most awesome songs ever thrust upon our miserable planet of teenaged record buyers after that! ... Oh well. This is an extremely short song (...and, really, why did it have to be so short? That's almost a flaw!), but it makes a grand presence! Catchy song, nice smooth groove. I like it! ... everyone likes it ...

Human Nature 7/10

Kinda lame this time. But the alluring, smooth soul atmosphere is still present on here. Nevertheless, the atmosphere is really all this song has. The melody really doesn't have too many good hooks in it and the groove is hardly a fraction as memorable as the three previous songs.

P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) 10/10

Oh, bloody hell! A fourth 10! ... Dude! Shouldn't he have grouped this with all the other 10s? ... Why don't people consult with me before putting their records together? ... I'm available for it, you know! ... Well, Jackson did it again. He put together another infectious groove and catchy melody for all of us to enjoy ... ohhhhhhh ... This is groovin' is too much for my little body to take ...

The Lady in My Life 7/10

Another kinda lame one. It's another one of those smooth soul things that doesn't have much at all in terms of melody ... and groove. But the atmosphere is fine. ... He should seriously have just concentrated on dance songs, 'cos these other things aren't turning out so well. This one is even rather boring to have to sit through! ... This, on an album as famous as Thriller?! No!!!!!

Thrill me with your comments here!

sylvan@webcomics.org (Sylvan Migdal) received July 3, 2005

Mostly right, but you lost me the moment you insulted "Baby Be Mine", which is rivaled only by "Billie Jean" for the top spot on the album. If you truly think Paul McCartney's horrifying guest appearance is a better song, you are a failure.