I'm raising my middle finger at Journey ... Raised on Stupid Overall Album Score: 3.3 out of 10 AAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even BELIEVE this album! Literally, in the middle of scoring the track reviews, I went back and re-listened to Departure, wondering if I was vastly overrating that album ... and I was so hazed at listening to these songs that I originally thought I had! But then I also listened to ABBA's "Knowing Me, Knowing You," which I know that I love and ... THIS ALBUM MADE ME SO MESSED-UP IN MY HEAD THAT I HATED THAT SONG, TOO!!!! ... I then listened to Paul Simon's "Kodachrome" and then "You Can Call Me Al" and then David Bowie's "Fame" and Elton John's "Crocodile Rock." When I figured that cured me, I re-re-listened to songs on Departure and concluded that while I think I may have overrated that album a little bit, it's still pretty freaking awesome compared to Raised on Radio. (That was a pretty unprofessional opening paragraph, wasn't it? ... Yeah, I'm not getting paid for these reviews WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??????) OOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... You know, I found relatively a lot to enjoy about every Journey album up until now. I even didn't hate their first real foray into cheesy 80s radio garbage with Frontiers ... because some of that radio garbage was actually fun in a guilty-pleasure way. Raised on Radio isn't fun IN ANY WAYYYYYYYYY!!! ... Man. This album is so horrible that it wasn't even fun for me to trash. This is bad, even for Journey. ... Fellow AOR-people Foreigner never even had an album as bad as this ... and I spent enough Web space on this site devoted to why I think Journey is better than Foreigner! ... Now, they have lost all credibility. Overall Album Score: 3.3 out of 10 (B-A-R-F) Average Song Score: 3.8 (About one decent song through all of this stupid radio garbage. These songs are all toneless and all stupid.) Album Tilt: 3.0 (*whimpers*) Artist Rating: 3.0 (The artistic equivalent of an avocado pooped on by a donkey and then put in a sandwich.) Track Reviews Girl Can't Help It 5/10 I like the song's very cool and calm bass-line. I mean, it sounds like Fleetwood Mac's "Sara," but that was never a crime. ... Unfortunately, what I DO have against this song is the severe lack of hooks in the melody. ... There aren't even any accidental hooks in here. ... Yeah ... It's understandable, though, that Journey would be washed-up by 1986. I mean, they were fairly washed up when they started ... Positive Touch 3/10 The bounciness of this song might have worked better if it had a melody. It seems like they just made a bouncy groove (which isn't very entertaining) and just had Steve Perry make up stuff to sing while it was played. ... The electric guitar solo isn't even entertaining here. ... Journey? Art thou dying? Suzanne 4/10 Was it a requirement for EVERYONE to suck in 1986? ... GOOOOOSHHHH!!! No wonder my parents would never let me listen to the radio! They were protecting me! This song is AWFULLLLLLLLLLL. Although, at least it doesn't have that stupid bouncy riff! The song's pretty horrible, though. This song is so horrible that I bet it was actually played on the radio. Be Good To Yourself 3/10 The song starts out with a few decent guitar crunches in it ... but there is NO melody on this. ... It sounds like they were making it up on the spot again and then overproduced into one shiny hunk of crap. Why do I even bother writing these reviews? ... BAH! Once You Love Somebody 2/10 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA They are absolutely shameless when it comes to these utterly crappy ballads! (Fortunately, this isn't a sappy ballad, in which case, I'd be throwing things against the wall.) ... This song embodies the very reason people hate 80s pop music. ... I can't believe how anybody can even listen to this! UGGHHH!!!! ... This is worse than Madonna. A lot worse. Happy to Give 7/10 It starts out pretty horrible and toneless, but ... it picks up a little bit of happy steam after the chorus. At least they stumbled upon a few accidental hooks on here! (And, I'm almost positive that any decentries Journey ever had can be accredited to accidents ... or maybe uncredited outside songwriters.) Nevertheless, this turned into a fairly decent song. The first fairly decent one of the album (the relentlessly "Final Countdown-style" synths in here are embarrassing of course, but ... it's as fun as 80s brought you such things). I don't know why they buried this song in the album, though! Slight rewards for paying attention? Raised on Radio 3/10 A pretty standard hard-rock-pop thing ... AND THERE ARE ZERO HOOKS IN THE MELODY!!! Simply put, this is toneless garbage ... I'm better off listening to ventilator fans... I'll Be Alright Without You 4/10 This song title defines my very attitude to Foreigner. In fact, it's quite an under-statement. I'D BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!!!! I mean, you had two good hit singles and Departure was a decent product, but ... YOU SUCKKKKKKKK!!! ... It Could Have Been You 6/10 Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh, this is formidable, I guess. It catches fire in the middle of it, I guess (but it dies out at the end). ... Or rather, it should have caught fire when they burnt the master tapes, but ... they didn't so, we're stuck with it, I guess. I guess. The Eyes of a Woman 3/10 AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGG!!! CAN'T THIS ALBUM BE OVER!!!!!!!!!! ... Only one song left to go after this *takes deep breath*. I'll make it, my gallies. I'll make it. ... Why do they have to write 80s ballads so poorly? ... I can hardly even bear this! ... Why can't there be any hooks in the melody or anything INTERESTINGGGGG in this? ... It's a simple request, I think. Why Can't This Night Go On Forever 2/10 ...I'm glad this night DIDN'T go on forever, thank you. ... The last thing I wanted to do tonight was listen to this album, much less go about *wishing* that this experience would last forever. ... I HAVE A BREAKING POINT YOU KNOW!!! This is another REMARKABLY toneless and utterly atrocious piece of radio GARBAGEEE... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-choo!!! Please don't send Journey comments here.

All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. Measure the chicken!!!!