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If I'm Dressed To Kill, Then I Had Better Not Look In a Mirror
Overall Album Score: 4.7 out of 10 ... Would somebody please freaking wake me up when Kiss starts doing something worthwhile? 'Cause, frankly, I'm sick of all this crap. SOUR GRAPES! ICK! ICK! ICK! And the only good song in this album, "Rock and Roll All Nite," I declared a jihad on UNTIL IT'S DEATH about five years ago. (It was one fateful day in Kansas City when oddly enough I heard this song being played about three times in different places. It was as if Satan himself was following me around!) But now that I've heard some of this other dreck by Kiss, it made me dramatically bury my head in my lap and sob ... ... and then I started calling "Rock and Roll All Nite" a good song. BUT IT'S NOT A GOOD SONG! IT DRIVES ME CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY! The only other decent song on here is "Room Service," which is catchy in it's own special way. And I also like first two minutes of "Rock Bottom," which is really quite awful, but at least it doesn't give me a splitting headache. And have these lyrics always been dumb, or something? I'm feelin' low, no place to go
Okay... admittedly that one's kinda funny (and Spinal-Tap-ian!) But here's another STUPID set of lyrics for you to actually vomit on. (Just make sure you're not leaning over your keyboard.) And you're lookin' every inch a lady
Alright, so if you're going to feel someone's face inside the mirror, would you have to like get a sledge hammer and get them out of the mirror so that you could feel their face? Wouldn't they be dead, 'cause one cannot physically breathe when one is encased inside a mirror? And, when these lights are out, and you're feeling up this chick, why do you using your hand to do this? Why don't you do what normal people do and feel up women with your left earlobe? Or, the top of your scalp? Or your teeth? That's what I would do. Are these lyrics awful or is it awful? Budding Bob Dylan's these guys are NOT! And the songwriting skills are still AWFUL, too! Apart from "Rock and Roll All Nite" and "Room Service" (to an extent), these guys are STILL down the gutter! They're instrumental abilities are merely passable, but much improved. (And I think even the arranging has gotten slightly better as well.) Yet GNARRRRRRRRRF! I hate reviewing this! But I love to trash it! TRAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you just dig that album cover though? Hotter Than Hell had a crappy album cover, but this album cover makes me laugh hysterically! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! THEY'RE WEARING BUSINESS SUITS! AND THEY STILL HAVE THAT CRAZY FACE MAKE-UP ON! ISN'T THAT GREAT??!?!?!?!?! Well I think so. Overall Album Score: 4.7 out of 10 ("Rock and Roll All Nite" and "Room Service" are strong enough of songs to have been able to nudge this album's score up slightly, but overall this is still crap.) Average Song Score: 5.7 (Oooooooohhhhhhhh. Kiss is ever so slightly improving in this area. A 5.7 isn't passing, but there are two songs in here that are altogether decent.) Album Tilt: 4.5 (I simply don't trust an album that has this many sucky songs in it. This isn't a very fun album for me to listen to.) Artist Rating: 4.0 (Yeah, they might be improving a little bit on their orchestration and arranging. They might even have pulled together a decent melody. But they are still phonies who couldn't be confused as artists, even from five miles away.) Track Reviews Room Service 8.5/10 Okay. This song is appropriately crunchy. The lyrics are pretty funny (not sure if they were really supposed to be funny, but such was the end product). The melody is - eh! - but it *is* darned crunchy! Who cares about the melody? It doesn't need hooks! It's got CRUNCH! Like a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter! Okay ... maybe it doesn't *really* deserve a whole 8.5, but it is, in fact, a whole big HOOPLA better than anything on Kiss's last album. Such makes me happy enough. Two Timer 3.5/10 Here we go .......... we knew that if moments of slight inspiration ("Room Service") were ever able to exist in Kiss, it wouldn't last throughout the whole album. This song is UNBEARABLY slow, unenergetic, and dull as hell. The melody? *Looks over both shoulders* I guess I wasn't really expecting one! The song could sure use it. Ladies in Waiting 4/10 It's only slightly less banal than the last track. CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! It's just blahba blahba blahba. The guitar solos are stupid. The song is stupid. I want to die. Getaway 6/10 Nice riff! At least I could find something to enjoy about this song. Sure, the riff gets OLD after awhile. It has a melody to fall back upon, but it's not a strong one. There could have been more soul injected into it, but ... you've got to understand ... there's no time for soul when ones sweeties are being threatened by tight leather. (I know. I've tried it. I can't belt out anything meaningful when I'm wearing tight leather. And I haven't even tried it with the face paint.) Okay. The song doesn't piss me off that much. A 6. Rock Bottom 7/10 Wow! I know I've heard this from somewhere before. The only thing that I came up with was Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells. The first two minutes of this song has this nice, calm, peaceful acoustic notes being strummed. Sure, it's overly simple, but hearing this from Kiss is a pretty darn nice breather. And then they break into one of their stupid hard rockers. In fact, these two parts might just have well been two separate songs because THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER! ....... amateurs. huh! C'mon and Love Me 5/10 C'mon and love me? THERE'S NO FREAKING WAY! Kiss, you surprise me. You fail to piss me off badly AGAIN! The lyrics are awful (I made fun of 'em in the intro), but the melody is slightly interesting. It still gets utterly dull, but there's some good lead guitar work goin' on. Anything For My Baby 7/10 Yeah... I actually kind of like the arranging here. The central chant here, which goes "Anything for my baby" is really stupid. The melody isn't that good, but Kiss might actually be learning how to evade their melodic inadequacies through this half-way decent arranging! ... or it may just be wishful thinking. She 3/10 Yeah ... this one's kind of infamous for being stolen from the Doors (with thanks going to Internet critic George Starostin for pointing that out). I never would have been able to identify that. And ... even if they did lift it right from The Doors, they obviously shouldn't have. This song is duller, dumber, and more POORLY orchestrated than anything else on here. (Can't "Anything For My Baby" just be adapted as Kiss's style? ... WHY NOT?!?!) Love Her All I Can 3.5/10 YOU GUYS ARE *NOT* LED ZEPPELIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kiss comes up with a fine riff (and there's A LOT OF COWBELL) but it sucks! It's just stupid and cocky. Where's the spirit?!?!? WHERE'S THE GUSTO!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO M'ROCK AND ROLL?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?! Rock and Roll All Nite 9/10 IIIIIIIIIIIII WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! AND PARTY EVERYDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. They absolutely comes out of NOWHERE with a solid melody, great instrumentation, and *totally* unlike those previous two tracks, they capture some spirit! This is a pretty good song to party with! (That said, you wouldn't catch me dead partying with this song. Never!) Okay, sure I declared a holy jihad on this song once upon a time, but I don't care about that anymore, because I really *do* want to rock and roll all nite ... and party everyday. Kiss's best song. Probably ever. Though I wouldn't put that in writing. ... *awww shoot!* ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE and leave your comments here |
All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He parties. All nite long. He's a good speeler, too.
