Hot in the Glaze

Overall Album Score: 5.0 out of 10

By and large, this is a big improvement for Kiss ... Four songs in here received a 7.5! ... And a handful of others scored a 6 or a 6.5. (There were no plain-7's though ... don't ask me why! I don't know!) Indeed, this album might have been one of the best ever of Kiss's career if there were only nine or ten songs on here, but instead there are ****FIFTEEN**** songs on here, and they take just under an ****HOUR**** to get over with ... I'd say that is a little extreme, wouldn't you?

Kiss proves, once again, that they have no artistic sensibilities. There weren't really any abysmal songs (i.e. nothing scored under a four), but ... man! Just because you just happened to write a bunch of songs that you want to put in an album, it doesn't mean you have to! ... Argh!!! (And what's with that Michael Bolton collaboration, "Forever?" ... The Kiss meets Bolton pairing is like Satan meets Satan.)

Anyway, I guess there's really not a whole lot for me to complain about. Even though this album is insanely lengthy, it still managed to get a 5.0, which is a lot more than I can say for the briefer Crazy Nights that got a 3.7. ....... And I've been reviewing Kiss for awhile now. My expectations are so low that I don't even feel obliged to complain anymore.

Overall Album Score: 5.0 out of 10 (Other than the usual Kissian shortcomings, this wouldn't have been such an awful album if it weren't an hour long.)

Average Song Score: 5.9 (It's not necessarily a bad set of songs for Kiss ... there are just way too many of 'em! And this score would have been sizably higher if only they had enough sense to cut some of these.)

Album Tilt: 4.5 (Waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too long!)

Artist Rating: 4.5 (Crap ... as artistically non-existent as Kiss always is.)

Track Reviews

Rise to It 7.5/10

...Whoah ... This starts off with some bluesy licks on the acoustic guitar ... I'd almost have thunk that Kiss had turned into a real band ....... but, not even twenty seconds later, Kiss gives us their trademark, banal hard rock stuff with a generic, cocky melody. That said, I enjoy some of the crunches of that electric guitar and some wailing from the lead guitar was well-placed. ... And, this song was well-crafted even though the melody is too derivative to make this song of any particular value. It's kind of enjoyable in a redneck sort of way, I guess.

Betrayed 6/10

Tone down that freaking drum!!!! ... Oh wait, this was released in 1989. I guess they couldn't help themselves! This song isn't utterly repulsive, but it's banal. And boring. And ... and ... Dude! This is Kiss! I don't have to take up long paragraphs to analyze their songs, 'cause there's nothing to analyze!

Hide Your Heart 7.5/10

This is a dumb, typical late 80s pop song ... there's not much going for it other than a somewhat likable chorus and melody. ... It really needed some quirk, but it's silly for me to complain at this point in the Kiss discography that they have no artistic sense.

Prisoner of Love 4/10

Cliched song title ... cliched 80s rock song ... This is an utter piece of poop that makes me want to tear my hair out and stuff.

Read My Body 5/10

This 80s pop groove is alright, but this is still an utterly banal song with a stupid chorus and ... HOLY CRAP, WHY DO I LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE!!!!!!! ... I guess I do it so that I don't underrate the good stuff in this genre, but ....... Oh! What self-induced punishment!!

Love's a Slap in the Face 5/10

"Love's a Slap in the Face" ... a philosophical meandering, indeed.

Forever 4/10

A piece of junk radio pop song ... It's not necessarily any worse than the piece of junk hard rock songs on here. ... Oh, I think I'm going to freaking vomit ... (Holy crap! This was co-written by Michael Bolton! ... I didn't even realize that when I wrote "Oh, I think I'm going to freaking vomit" ... that guy truly has a signature style to his music ...)

Silver Spoon 6/10

This hard rock song is a little bit better this time around ... The crunchy guitars are alright ... but I can't deny the simple fact that this song is stupid. ... Is this album over yet???? ... Oh, crap, it's only halfway finished with! ...... Is this the torturous netherworld that I found myself into??? Someone tell me!

Cadillac Dreams 6.5/10

Hey! These songs are getting better! ... Maybe the next one will be a 7-scoring track or an 8-scoring track! ... Well, this song really isn't that good. It's stupid, again, but I kind of like the rhythm. The melody is dumb, though.

King of Hearts 6/10

A not-too-repulsive hard pop song that displays feeble songwriting. Kiss must be the kings of feeble songwriting.

The Street Giveth and the Street Taketh Away 7.5/10

...Whoah, Kiss seem to be getting pretentious with these song titles ... They probably didn't realize that they were dealing with an overused cliché, but ... those freaks. This is another stupid hard rock song that ... I'll be the first to admit that I enjoy some of the crunches. ... The melody isn't head-beatingly banal, but this is still a feeble song. ... When it's all said and done, though, this is one of the better songs on here.

You Must Love Me to Hate You 7.5/10

What the crap is this??? ... Why aren't Kiss reverting back to their more normal 5-scoring and 4-scoring tracks? ....... This is actually a fairly decent melody, even though everything about it is still all-too-typical of banal 80s hard pop.

Somewhere Between (Heaven and Hell) 6/10

...This album is going on FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRR... This is another stupid song, but it doesn't make me beat my head against any brick walls lying around or anything ...

Little Caesar 5/10

Pizza! Pizza! .... I miss those pizzas ... Those restaurants used to be all over the place here in Wichita, but they ran for the hills. ....... Uhhhh, I wish Kiss would shut up and let me get on with my life. This is so torturous! ... This is another stupid hard rock song that I hate.

Boomerang 5/10

What's this??? .... THE LAST TRACK OF THIS FREAKING HOUR-LONG ALBUM?????????? I AM SAVED!!!!!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!! ... WHAT A FREAKING RELIEF! IT'S EVEN MORE RELIEVING THAN ALKA SELTZER (...even though it doesn't make a "plop fizz" sound when you throw it in water...). Who cares about the actual *quality* of this song? It's the last one! That's all I care about!

Give me some thoughts about how you'd like to be hot in thah shaydde here!!!