Hell Sounds Like a Pretty Good Idea Right About Now

Overall Album Score: 4.4 out of 10

Zwuoinnnnnnnnnnnng!

I'm not sure why the heck I'm reviewing another Kiss album ... especially after trashing that last one.

Well. I guess I know why. I had just gotten finished reviewing The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Elton John's Honky Chateau ... and I figured that now I'm going to have to review something stupid. Kiss immediately sprang to mind.

However, I made sure to approach this album with an open mind. Just because the first Kiss album sucks doesn't mean that every Kiss album will suck. Well, to no surprise, this Kiss album sucks, too.

I don't enjoy listening to this cornball Glam album, but if I were to compare it to their previous effort, there is fewer material on here that reeks. But ... then again ... there's not a single moment on here that shines as much as the 7.5-scoring "Strutter." Also, on this album, I think these guys have even improved their confidence with their instruments. (Albeit, they still aren't very good with them.) Anyway, there aren't quite as many moments in this album where I groan because of the lousy instrumental performances. In fact, there are a few halfway decent solos on here!

Oddly enough, this album also improves greatly on the riffs. There's nothing here that I'd qualify as having a GREAT riff ... they're just not as annoying as they were in the last album.

The principle downfall of Kiss, of course, lies in the melodies. They all suck. Some of them are catchy, but they are SO CORNBALL! Even when Kiss writes an actual good melody ( ... thinking specifically of "Rock and Roll All Nite," which will appear on the next ' Kiss album ...) it ends up driving me dribbling insane.

I WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT! AND PICK MY NOSE EVERY DAY!

Overall Album Score: 4.4 stars out of 10 (It's an improvement over the HORRIBLE first album. But it still sucks a ROTTEN EGG. Crappppppppppp!)

Average Song Score: 5.2 (Wow! It's above the halfway mark! That was unexpected!)

Album Tilt: 4.0 (Sorry about being a bastard, but I just HATE listening to this album. I couldn't even score any of these songs anything above a 6.5. I come to expect at least one song to do at least SOMETHING for me. I hate this album. BLAH!)

Artist Tilt: 4.0 (I could write a book on how these guys could have artistically improved this album. And I bet a whole two people would buy it. One of them would be Gene Simmons, who would probably just lick it. It doesn't get a full body slam in the artistic category, because there was a considerable improvement on the instrument-front.)

Track Reviews

Got to Choose 4/10

Crud! This song would really kick butt if it were faster! As it stands, it's a very boring song that's just plain bland! YUUUUUUUUUCK! This is not one of those songs with a catchy melody or has one of those rare good guitar solos. Not here. It's just stupid, trashy, loud, slow, boring, and it's junk. But, when I listen to it, I don't feel like barfing. So I think a weak 4 is in order.

Parasite 6/10

The riff here is menacing (like a parasite!), which is a good thing. But, the melody is BUTTOCKS! (*AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! A ROCK GROUP THAT SMELLS LIKE THREE BUTTOCKS!*) Crud! This group is utter crap! I'm not even getting energy from this song! I mean! When you listen to a hard rock band, you should at least feel like smashing someone's head in! When I listen to this, I feel like passing out on a flowerbed.

Goin' Blind 4/10

I'm not even going to explain WHY this song is stupid. (If you are curious, do a Google search for the lyrics.) The only reason I'm not sending this song to utter HELL like it might deserve is ... for the love of EVERYTHING ON THIS GREEN EARTH THAT'S BROWN ... there's a pretty darned good guitar solo on here and *gasp* the instrumentation is good enough that it actually manages to make up a little bit for this crap melody.

Hotter Than Hell 6/10

First let me explain why I'm not giving this song a higher score. It's TOO SLOW and LACKADAISICALLY PERFORMED! It certainly has the *potential* of being a somewhat decent trash classic, but there's no electricity! I'm listening to this song like I would listen to an old lady at the bank. The song is so FAKE! But, the reason I'm giving it a fairly high-range score is because it has the makings of a decent song ... it's just without the spirit.

Let Me Go, Rock and Roll 6.5/10

Okay! Kiss FINALLY comes up with a song that is equipped with the SPEED and it KICKS. The problem? Cripes! The melody is so crappy! I'm not even too thrilled about this guitar solo, either. But at least it kicks. I still don't like the song.

All the Way 5/10

As if it were some kind of Papal conspiracy, this is a song worth speeding up BUT THEY DON'T! And ... this song in particular ... I don't think they should speed up the melody of the song, they just need to make that drum faster and increase the volume of those guitars! In the middle of this song, there is a guitar solo that makes me happy a little, so I don't hate this song.

Watchin' You 3/10

I want to say the riff here's pretty good, but it doesn't help me enjoy the song at all. I think this one has a decent level of loudness and trashiness, this one just wasn't arranged well at all ... and the melody is awful. (Yep ... if it's not one thing, it's about a dozen other things.)

Mainline 5.5/10

This song is almost the best song off the album. When the song starts, I am thinking to myself ... "You know, maybe this song won't be that bad?" But after a minute or so, these thought fade away about as quickly as they came. There are a few bars of decent melody on here. The problem is that Kiss repeats this line to the point of annoyance. But ... then again ... this is the first time I complemented a Kiss song for its melody, isn't it?

Comin' Home 6/10

The closest this album gets to having a good balance of melody, volume, speed, compositions, etc. But all these forces are so very weak! CRUD! Where's the "soul," brothahs?

Strange Ways 5.5/10

Well, Kiss has the right FORM here. The riff is frightening and mysterious. There's a pretty nice and complementary 'siren calls' of an electric guitar going off in the background. The thing this song is missing most prominently is ATMOSPHERE! Even if I excuse the lack of atmosphere, that still doesn't mean I like the song. I just like that spooky riff and the siren electric guitars in the background. The melody is blah and so is my attitude toward it.

Is this review about how you would put it? Or should I just go to hell? Leave your comments here

leonanr@yahoo.com (Leona Roberts) received Oct. 1, 2004

Dear Gene Simmmons,

Whats up I just think that your elbrum Hotter than hell becuse i love the song called Sex and i was just thinking if you dont have an girlfriend gean simmons i would like to be becuse i am one of your fan but i dont have a boyfriend that loves me.

Don Ignacio responds: Thank you, sweetie. Nobody's ever called me Gene Simmons before.