Kiss Your Brain Cells Goodbye!

Overall Album Score: 3.7 out of 10

Heck! Kiss albums are like HELLA easy to review! All I have to do is listen to these songs ... think briefly about how much I like it ... and record it. Kiss didn't waste anything to the art! Nope! I don't have to go through each track and evaluate the artistic value of ANYTHING, cause there isn't any! If you're going to like Kiss (and heaven knows why you would like Kiss unless you were dumb enough to grow up in the 70's) you're going to like them for the raunch! This stuff is very generic, and there's TONS of stuff better than this crap! ... Led Zeppelin! The Blue Oyster Cult! AC/DC! Yeah ... QUEEN! (Black Sabbath? ... Well, I still need to get some of them, but I do know that Iron Man kicks real iron butt over anything I've ever heard from Kiss.) For some reason, Kiss is considered to be gods of classic rock. I don't know why! (Yikes! Most of these songs are just awful!)

Okay ... to those who might not know who this Kiss band is right away, I'm sure you've seen them before. They're that group of whacked-up individuals with people who dress up like freaks and do weird stuff on stage ... and make-up is no object to them. Apart from their general ability to play their instruments, they don't have much musical talent. (Relatively speaking, you know ... compared to the person-on-the-street, they were exceptionally talented. But in the mainstream rock and roll community, they were and are talentless dribble.) See ... they share the same problem with Aerosmith ... they have no SOUL! As gimmicky as this band has always been, it is clear they were never in the trade for the art ... they were in the trade for the MONEY. Apart from these middle-aged-persons bars that play their stuff all the time (as if I would know such things), they fail to even leave much of a worthwhile footprint in sand.

Now ... let's talk specifically about this album. It's awful. Apart from maybe two or three good songs, there is NO good excuse for this album's existence. I hate listening to it. The best song on here is definitely "Strutter." Although, I'm still quite indifferent about that song. I could care less about a few of the others. And ... the rest I hate to no end. Surprisingly enough, other reviews I read about this album are extremely mixed! The All Music Guide gives it 4.5 stars out of 5! (Wow!) They compare Kiss to The Rolling Stones, The New York Dolls, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, and Led Zeppelin. Not only does this convince me almost entirely that allmusic.com is run by a pack of lemurs, but it makes me sad to be alive! I mean! THE BEATLES??? COME ON! YOUR MOTHER MUST HAVE BEEN DANCING A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO THE NARCOTICS THERE WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT, BUDDY! Then again, I suppose if you get the worst possible elements of all the bands aforementioned, you might get something kind of like Kiss. caution.

If you want good trashy rock, I recommend "New York Dolls" by the band of the same name. Kiss not only borrows this band's sound almost DIRECTLY from them and still comes out inferior, but also their wardrobe. (Except ... well, Kiss's make-up is original, at least.)

Band line-up (as if anyone cares): Peter Criss (Drums), Ace Frehley (Guitar), Gene Simmons (Tongue), Paul Stanley (Guitar). Everyone sings vocals. Everyone sucks. Except Gene Simmons. He licks.

Overall Album Score: 3.7 out of 10 (This is an awful, generic album that gets worse every time I listen to it. Furthermore, there's no artistic merit here at all! And the band really doesn't have much talent ... but seeping through the cracks, you can sense they wanted talent of some sort. Kiss did have nice make-up though! That's really the only reason they're remembered today.)

Average Song Score: 4.7 (I have a sneaking suspicion that as I went through the album, I slowly but surely was awarding the tracks less points because I was getting sick and tired of Kiss's crappy-butt style. So ... treat the track scores any way you choose to. Most of these songs-if redeemable-are so by the riffs. That said, there's no riff here that I would consider "great.")

Album Tilt: 3.5 (The simple fact that I hate this album more and more as I listen to it is a very alarming indicator about it. The 3.5 is actually rather forgiving. The album is generic and ... honestly ... not a whole lot of fun.)

Artist Tilt: 3.0 (The album deserves a MAJOR slam on the artistic front. These guys are not good performers with their instruments, they write among the most derivative songs known to mankind on this crappy planet of ours, and they just suck. And one guy licks. And there's this one guy that looks like a cat. He's not the one that licks, though.)

Track Reviews

Strutter 7.5/10

I think the reason I give this track a 7.5 is because I don't hate my life when I'm listening to it. This track has the best tune, best riff, best vocals, best heart, best "soul" (as little "soul" as there is) ... at least they got their act together for one track. If this were a Led Zep/Black Sabb/BOC tune, it would be merely passable. On this album, this song reigns above everything else. Though, looking at the melody ... is it really that great? Nooo.

Nothin' to Lose 6.5/10

Ah fark! Time to swallow my own pint-sized tongue! I don't particularly hate my life when listening to this track, either. Actually ... if this song were a little less generic, it might be comparable to Ziggy-era Bowie! As it stands, it's an entirely listenable, albeit dumb, rocker. Not quite as complex as "Strutter" - but then again "Strutter" isn't exactly "complex."

Firehouse 6/10

Riff's not bad ... I can say that! The riff is the only real reason I can listen to the song. Still generic, though. It probably would have been better if they stopped this one after 2:30 minutes. (Don't you miss nice bands like The Who ... who actually has innovative instrumentalists? All these guys can do is play their instruments by the book!) I'm getting bored already.

Cold Gin 5/10

When you don't have any soul or real melody-writing skills, riffs are the only things hard rock bands have to fall back on! (Or ... perhaps that's the only reason hard rock/heavy metal bands ever existed. These songs on this album are either becoming more utterly generic ... or I'm finally realizing they're generic! Or, every single song on here is practically the same thing, and they're simply not offering anything new. Geez! These guys sound like they're TRYING to show off with their instruments, but they don't have the skill! Urgh! It's driving me INSANE! When it comes down to it, however, it has a good, if dumb, riff.

Let Me Know 6.5/10

Not bad. Certainly not bad. The riff might not be as neat as that of "Cold Gin," but the melody is quite a bit better. Not a big fan, though. That coda should have been tossed.

Kissin' Time 3/10

Okay! We've FINALLY got to a song that has a sucky riff ... the melody is barely passable ... and the instrument playing is nearly horrendous! Yikes! I guess I'm giving it a full three points beyond zero, because it gets better with every notch I increase the volume. Really ... this song is ATROCIOUS! Little, little redemption here.

Deuce 3.5/10

Do people really like this song? The only decent thing about it is ... is ... well I don't hate it nearly as much as "Kissin' Time." The instrument playing is a little bit improved (they still CAN'T play inspired instrumental passages to save their lives)! The riff is rather awful, too ... so yeah. It doesn't give me quite the same headache as that last track gave me, but it's still pretty awful.

Love Theme From Kiss 2/10 This is the most melody-less "love theme" I've ever heard. This instrumental track is almost completely worthless because these guys are worthless when it comes to playing their instruments altogether! UG! This time, the riff is only passable.

100,000 Years 2/10

Oooo! Trash! Redeemable for a 2 only because the riff passes. It's really quite awful, though. Instruments - annoying. Singing - Ick. Melody - What, where? Yikes! Where's that BOC band when you need 'em?

Black Diamond 5/10

Well here's something different! It starts out with an acoustic guitar. It then turns electric. (Like Dylan!) We get a better-than-expected riff (still not as good as some of the other tracks on here). The melody, while not hooky at all, shows a little more complexity. The fault of this track, however, lies in its length. If the song would have just ENDED at 2:30 minutes (you can kinda tell that it should have) and just left those crappy instrumental passages to the dogs, we would have all been fine and dandy with it! But as it stands, I knocked two points off the otherwise-deserved 7. Their instrument playing is REALLY bad, especially here when they sound like they want to be innovative, but the only thing they can do is suck. And lick. And MEOW. And wear really tight pants.

Do you feel like KISSing me? Or would you rather just kick me? (Or lick me?) Leave your comments here