Kiss Unbasked

Overall Album Score: 4.7 out of 10

Well, we've finally gotten to the point in the Kissian discography when, even, The All-Music Guide is beginning to trash their albums ... and how would that fare for someone like me who was trashing Kiss albums when The All-Music Guide had been giving them 5-star ratings?

I really do hate this album ... and I think it was an utter worthless waste of vinyl (and waste of wear-and-tear of my speakers). But ... I at least find this a TINY bit more tolerable than the first two Kiss albums ... I hated those SO, SO much.

The best song on here is clearly "She's So European" written by Gene Simmons and Vini Poncia. The melody is BY FAR the most complex, and the instrumentation is BY FAR the most interesting. Relatively speaking, Ace Frehley makes a strong showing here with two of his tracks, but, really, they're a far cry from what we saw on his unexpectedly remarkable solo album. Also at this point, Peter Criss had left the band during the recording sessions, and someone named Anton Fig was brought in to replace him. Criss really isn't missed, though.

Hearing the premise of this album, I'd almost have thought that I might not think it was so bad. It's a pop album, which is something that deviates from the usual Kiss style! But ... if it were ever possible, Kiss proves that their songwriting has delved even further into the never-ending pit, and ... yes ... this isn't a very good album at all.

Overall Album Score: 4.7 out of 10 (Kiss never even peaked at a reasonable level, and they're already sinking into utter despair!)

Average Song Score: 5.7 (Simply atrocious. What's sad is I was even trying to find excuses to like these songs ... and so I think this score is overly inflated!!!!)

Album Tilt: 4.5 (Yes ... the song score was overly inflated. Reasons to listen to this are FEW. Even the highlights of the album are pretty awful.)

Artist Rating: 4.0 (There are a few exceptions, but this is a mightily tasteless album full of some of the most banal pop songs that I've ever had to listen to. Blah.)

Track Reviews

Is That You 5.5/10

Phhhhhhhhhhhhhhew! This song really ought to be good. It's played rather well ... that melody at least TRIES to be tuneful and have pop-hooks or whatever. But, as it turns out, it is absolute PIG'S GARBAGE and is a tremendously sad example of early 80s power-pop. I've listened to much better examples of 80s power-pop, so I'm not going to belittle that genre.

Shandi 6/10

Well, at least this melody works somewhat. This pop song has some pretty okay hooks in it, and it's kinda pleasant to listen to. It can't escape the fact that it was written by Paul Stanley, but ... that doesn't automatically mean that it's going to be complete poo. (It does mean that it's going to be banal, though, but you probably already knew that.)

Talk to Me 6.5/10

For some weird reason, I feel rather relieved to hear these Kissian heavy-metal chords! Although, when the song starts up, it is about as bad as I remember Kiss being from the very beginning. I kind of like the electric guitar thing in the middle ... but, really, the melody here isn't very good and ... I guess this was written by Ace, so it's okay. But this is very banal.

Naked City 5/10

THIS SONG IS STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID! I HATES IT! I HAAAATES IT! ...hobbitses... (Well ... I guess that's being unfair ... it was well played ... the melody really sucks, and ... eh ... it doesn't float my boat.)

What Makes the World Go Round 5.5/10

The groove is nice enough, but it really needs more energy to be truly effective. That said, I think the chorus is all right, and makes the song more listenable than it probably had any right to be. It's hard for me not to absolutely scream out that THIS SONG IS STUPID, even though I'm sort of enjoying it. (The last minute of this is rather excruciating. What was to be a track-score of a 6.5 is hereby reduced to a 5.5. Sorry.)

Tomorrow 5/10

Paul Stanley ... would you PLEASE stop writing songs? ... This is a pop song, and so it is more likely to click with me that a regular boring old Kiss-style hard rock song. But ... CRAP ... this is really paper-thin. Again, though, I have to sympathize with it a little bit, because there are a few qualities about it that I like. (The bassline is good ... the drum machine and the beat are both good and bad ... but it has an okay chorus.) It's still utterly banal, though. A 5 is being rather nice, actually.

Two Sides of the Coin 7/10

THIS BAND SUCKS!!!! ... Look, whenever an Ace Frehley song strikes up, it manages to pique my interest, even though the song still turns out to be rather banal. But CRAP! Ace really does suck, but on here, he's king of the heap. I seriously think there needs to be some sort of mutiny, and make Paul Stanley walk the plank. I mean ... the drummer quit! And I liked the drummer! ME NO LIKE PAUL!

She's So European 7.5/10

This is a Gene Simmons song ... and I'm particularly interested in how somebody can be so European as opposed to somewhat European. Would it happen to have to do with a slightly less-distinguishable accent? Heck if I know! At any rate, Gene Simmons really manages to win the race here with a melody that's actually *good*! The song really lacks depth and energy ... but up until its final third it has a good melody! And it's well-performed, too. Finally ... a good song!

Easy as it Seems 3/10

SHUT YOUR FACE, PAUL STANLEY!!!!!! YOU ARE A MORON! This one ... listening to its groove you wouldn't think would be so bad. But unlike his other songs on here, this one has no redeeming quality. I've got to be absolutely harsh here. There's no other way! I'm getting brain headaches!

Torpedo Girl 6/10

ACE!!!!! MY BOYYYYYYYYYYYEEEE! (It's amazing how listening to those Kiss solo albums of 1978 made me choose sides so quickly.) This is also a vaguely well written song with a mind-numbing and stupid riff ... but ... heck! At least it's relatively listenable. (It's entirely banal, still, but at least it's not TOTAL CARP ... I mean CRAP.)

You're All I Want 6/10

SING TO ME GENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really, I think we need to make Paul walk the plank. Gene looks like he would make a decent pirate. Yes, he has this absolutely giganormous tongue, but that doesn't mean he has the greatest taste in the world. At least he's not Paul Stanley. (This song does suck, though ... hmmm ... but I don't venomously hate it).

It's time to emerge from underneath that mask and send me your comments about this album here.

javaman14ca@yahoo.com (Paco) received July 1, 2004

man did you guys ever h8 this album. i on the other hand loved it. this KISS album has the abillity to bring me rushing back to the summer when i was 13. it was the soundtrack for that summerand i loved every second of it.

steveponch@Hotmail.com (Ponch) received Dec. 27, 2004

It's my favorite album in the history of recorded music. I can see why people dislike it, especially the hardcore KISS fans who want to hear rock & roll all night on every track on every album, which is probably what you were after. It was a great showcase of the pop side of KISS' writing. I'm a die hard 30 year fan myself, but this is my favorite of the albums. Mostly because of the memories it brings back from my childhood at that time. Thanks for putting up a review of this lost album!

Don Ignacio responds: Only glad to.

steveponch@Hotmail.com (Ponch) received Dec. 27, 2004

You just don't get it, which is fine. Let me hear your records that you've recorded.

Don Ignacio responds: Don Ignacio Missings 12 Christmas Classics is available in stores nationwide.

steveponch@Hotmail.com (Ponch) received Dec. 27, 2004

I guess my question is why did you spend so much time listening to and reviewing these releases? Sounds like a colossal waste of time on your part.

Don Ignacio responds: Finally, you hit the nail right on the head.