American Strife

Overall Album Score: 3.1 out of 10

There is only one thing about Madonna's latest American Life that I must ask. Just one. WHY IS THIS SO PATHETIC??????????

Madonna. It's time for you to leave, honey. You're getting worse. And worse. And worse. You're drowning! Get out of the water!!!!! Nobody likes you enough to throw you a lifesaver!!! (Especially the cherry flavored lifesavers, which are both delicious and fruity.) Your music is so absolutely and unbelievably *CRAP* that ... that ... Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! I just can't go on with this review. I am so depressed with this. There is not a single *solid* melody on this entire godforsaken album ... not a single one! And whenever Madonna stumbles across a bit of melody that is at least *decent* (even though it gets repeated nearly 8 billion times too often), she completely vomits on it with hopelessly retarded vocal effects and electronic instruments.

There are enough moments in here that keeps American Life from becoming the worst-scored album on this site ... but the contemptibly foul way it makes me feel after listening to it, it seems like it ought to be.

Absolute garbage. Everyone who bought this and liked it should be hanged.

(As a side note, I'll add that I remember quite vividly when this was released, Madonna was very very sensitive ... to the point that it was embarrassing ... to the fact that many teenagers would download the album and never purchase it. OBVIOUSLY, she didn't want people to actually listen to it before buying it, because anybody with any sense would know better than to invest twenty bucks on a shiny piece of crap like this. When people don't have the chance to actually listen to it before buying, she has the benefit of the doubt, then.)

Overall Album Score: 3.1 out of 10 (HOPELESS!!!! THIS WAS BY FAR THE MOST EXCRUCIATING MADONNA ALBUM THAT I'VE HAD TO SIT THROUGH!!!!! Oh, Madonna ... I waste too much vomit on thee.)

Average Song Score: 3.8 (Dreck.)

Album Tilt: 3.0 (Double dreck.)

Artist Rating: 2.5 (Quintuple dreck.)

Track Reviews

American Life 3.5/10

First thing to mention is that the beat is REALLY annoying ............. I can't imagine why anyone would like that stupid Kraftwerk-esque synth thing at all. The second thing to mention (and probably the most important thing) is the melody and the harmonic structures sound so utterly amateurish! ... Although, that's no big surprise. Thirdly, there's the lyrics. ... If anyone who is listening to American Life would like to keep their composure as a gentlemen or lady, don't pay attention to the lyrics. Easily, these are the most pretentious pieces of crap that Madonna has ever done. Finally ... please don't rap! ... Please PLEASE don't rap! It scares the bambinos! ... This song was hugely misfired, but I'm positive that Madonna had no idea that she was misfiring it.

Hollywood 5.5/10

The melody is very simple ... although it doesn't sound like a complete amateur wrote it. But about 3,000 songwriters in the past 5 years probably wrote something very similar to it. Both that and the instrumentation are quite a bit more tolerable compared to the deplorable "American Life," but "Hollywood" ain't no bowl of cherries! ... This is still is quite awful ... and it still makes me wonder why people actually buy crap like this. (Please quit it with the vocal effects, please. Anybody with any sort of sense is going to hate that.)

I'm So Stupid 5/10

...she took the words right out of my mouth! As I've been saying forever, Madonna is an idiot. ... This is another Madonna-fied Kraftwerk song, and it has easily the most eardrum-anguishing vocal effect in here that she's ever done! The song's merit is lessened even more because of that! Without it, the song was a pure 6.

Love Profusion 6/10

I wish Madonna would quit being such an idiot in the studio. The melody here is, surprisingly, alright! ... But she's got to add all these stupid *frills* in them, and almost all of them suck most of the time. If the song were more complex, this also would have gotten a higher score.

Nobody Knows Me 0/10

...NOT! *EVERYBODY* knows Madonna! That's part of the problem! ... "Hey!" screams the record buying public. "Madonna released a new album! Let's buy it!" ... And the stupid record buying public don't bother with anything that has WORTH. And such bands do exist ... I've *seen* them! ... This is another electronic Kraftwerk type song. If Kraftwerk was aware that Madonna would take their style of music and make such tedious tripe with it, they might have thought twice before going "Fahn fahn fahn unt dee Autobahn!" ... I think it's bizarre that the songs the All-Music Guide are identifying this as among the best of the album when it's clearly the worst (in my opinion). This song is not only annoying, it's PHENOMENALLY annoying. Pauly Shore had better watch out ... this is a severe threat to his well-earned title as "The Most Annoying Person on Earth." ....... At least Pauly Shore is fun to watch sometimes. Madonna just sucks. Oh, dear. I just vomited ... that's just great. I've got to go eat dinner again! ...

Nothing Fails 6/10

Bold words to say from someone who must be so attuned to failure (according to me, that is). This is a tuneful adult contemporary type song ... but, again, the tune isn't complex enough for me to ever really enjoy this. The instrumentation, again, is pretty awful (especially that nasty gospel chorus). It's not a total bomb like "Nobody Knows Me," and this is an above average song for late-career Madonna.

Intervention 3/10

This song starts out REALLY AWFUL with one of the most ill conceived instrumentation that Madonna's ever done (what's with that stupid, monotonous drumbeat and the overly overly simple guitar riffage?) But it's secondary section is considerably better (if the melody, again, is too simple, not very catchy, and it repeats way too much). If Madonna wasn't such a self-centered jerk, this might have made a decent parody.

X-Static Processes 2/10

What the CRAP is with the reviewers at the All-Music Guide? This is another supposed highlight from the album, when it's really just another highlight of CRAP! (Is she really trying to be touching with this? ... And she does a duet with herself ... how appropriate.) At this moment, my life really sucks.

Mother and Father 3/10

...They probably disowned you by now... Heck, if I ever have offspring like Madonna, I'd move on top of a remote mountain somewhere in the Himalayas. At least I would be far away from people who listened to *this* ... which has another phenomenally vomit-inducing, headache-producing electronic groove EVER. ... Oh, how absolutely tedious. I thought "pop" was supposed to be easy to listen to! On that note, I'd be willing to give Madonna at least some credit for redefining the genre.

Die Another Day 5/10

I kind of liked that James Bond movie, even though it was way too commercial, and I had to watch that really dumb scene with Madonna in it. (I'm really surprised her performance turned out so well in "Evita" ... but not even Madonna could totally ruin Andrew Lloyd Webbers catchy tunes.) The opening title songs of James Bond films have quite a history! ... I'm not a big *fan* of James Bond music, but they're usually *LISTENABLE*. I mean ... Madonna is free to screw up her albums ... it's her funeral. But now Madonna's craphead influence extends to the cinema onto an unsuspecting public! ... The public deserves an apology for this! ...... Really, I do have a hard time believing that some rich movie producer out there actually dished out money for this piece of pig's garbage. I guess they were more interested in the *who* than the *what*. That said, the melody is probably the album's best ... but, predictably, Madonna overdoes it with the vocal effects and the electronic instruments. What a freak.

Easy Ride 3/10

And Madonna's time-wasting album comes to an end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!! Quite surprisingly, this is another fairly complex melody from Madonna ... but the thing is so boring (and during odd times, the stupid stupid electronic instruments strike us and give us their vomit-inducing stuff). This might have been the album's highlight, but Madonna, as usual, makes a complete mess of it. (The end is, again, another one of Madonna's uttermost lows, musically speaking) ... If she had any sense, she would quit recording music ... if not for any other reason, it's that I DON'T WANT TO REVIEW THEM ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... Really. Stop. You're one of the suckiest recording artists out there. Of course she'll NEVER stop, because dollar signs light up in her eyes every time she releases an album. What a greedy person.

See Madonna naked here.

whatever45@yahoo.com (Nick) received Jan. 29, 2005

Are you a critic? then shove it you piece of crap. The only reason that you are downgrading her is because of the viedo she made about that asshold Bush. You probually love bush and you hate Madonna for making the anti-war viedo. So why dont you go and get yourself killed in Iraq and bring Bush and Channey along with you.

Don Ignacio responds: Don Ignacio awards this comment a 9.5 out of 10 for being the silliest comment he's ever received. How do you like that, Nick, from whatever45@yahoo.com? You beat out Madonna's best by quite a lot of points.