Cunfeshins Onna Dans Flo

Overall Album Score: 5.8 out of 10

So, nobody liked American Life, which is pretty strange because normally the mass populace likes crappy albums. When nobody likes an album, it's time for a change of pace, or in Madonna's case, a return to roots. Confessions on a Dance Floor is a song full of dance songs like her eponymous debut album. The major difference is that her debut album was made in 1983 and this one's made in 2005.

Another major difference is that these songs aren't nearly as fun as the 1983 batch, but hell, this album is loads better over American Life. You can take that statement to the bank. In fact, the only reason I can give this album a positive review is because I have American Life to compare it to. I thank the stars that this album isn't as stupid as that.

Alright, so Madonna continues to take herself seriously as an artist, and her pig-headed pretentious self is strewn throughout this album. However, with the presence of a few good dance songs that keep themselves reserved makes this an album that is about equal in quality to most other Madonna albums. Again, that isn't saying much, but ... if you're one of those people who doesn't like good music (i.e. Madonna's fans), you won't be too disappointed with this release.

I usually stay away from mentioning lyrics, but even though Madonna certainly has improved musically, her lyrics continue to be groan-inducing. Her songs are full of cliches and groan-inducing, transparent meanings.

Overall Album Score: 5.8 out of 10 (A fairly dismal album but with a couple good songs. This is easily the best album Madonna released in a decade, but that's nothing to be proud of.)

Average Song Score: 6.3 (This is a pretty crappy set of tunes, but for Madonna, this is pretty good.)

Album Tilt: 5.5 (There are some truly horrendous moments in here. There are also some good moments. This is a starkly inconsistent album.)

Artist Rating: 5.5 (There's no point in continuously hammering in the fact that Madonna has always been an artistic hack.)

Track Reviews

Hung Up 6/10

Did Madonna think anybody'd be impressed that she was able to grab an ABBA groove and write her own song to it? ... Um ... I'm impressed that she was able to grab an ABBA groove and still manage to have another song with no vocal hooks in it. Madonna, why didn't you just freaking COVER ABBA's "Gimme Gimme Gimme" instead of simply sucking the life-blood out of it? ... Oh, I forgot. Sucking the life blood out of things is Madonna's #1 specialty. All that said, this song surprisingly isn't aesthetically detestable, which personified all her songs on American Life.

Get Together 5/10

It's as if the 90s ever happened! This song starts out sounding eerily like Alphaville's "Forever Young." Fully drenched with synths, this is nothing less than a throwback! This wasn't necessarily a bad idea, but the production of this song was poor. The synths buzz too much, and the vocal effects at the beginning of the song are annoying. I like the dancey groove, though. They just needed somebody with some level of competance helming the production.

Sorry 9/10

...Madonna thinks she's so smart because she can say "Sorry" in a lot of different languages. I guess the fact that she's an international superstar and so many people in so many languages are subject to her crappy music, she has a lot of people to apologize to! But, actually, this song itself is pretty good. It has a danceable, synth-pop beat. The production is, fortunately, done in a way that's not show-offey and actually constructive. The vocal effects used are even, FOR ONCE, reserved and not annoying. This song is stupidly pretentious just like all of Madonna's songs, but if she sounded like this all the time, I wouldn't actually hate her.

Future Lovers 5/10

WHAT ARE THEY THINKINGGGGGGG??? The production is on the verge of being unlistenable, but it's not quite. The melody itself isn't very hooky, so better production wouldn't have done much for it anyhow. I kind of like those heavy, space-synths in the background, but ... seriously this album is produced crappy. Madonna's trying to write a spacey song with a club-beat. A better songwriter would've made a song like this sound awesome, but Madonna and all her cronies are doodie songwriters. Seriously, someone with so high a supposed IQ as Madonna...

I Love New York 6.5/10

This one actually starts out fairly promising. Some random, computer-generated "city noises" starts the song and a beat quietly starts picking up. Though, when the song takes off, it's pretty bland and hookless. The lyrics are a joke! (Is she joking? ... Yeah ............ Oh wait, Madonna is incapable of telling a joke. Crap, she's serious, isn't she.)

Let It Will Be 7.5/10

...Wow, that song title makes no sense whatsoever, but ... who cares? Why people listen to Madonna makes no sense to me! ... Starting off with an electronic groove consisting of violin synthesizers, this song is appealing starting off. It then metamorphizes into a dance song that's ... kind of enjoyable. The hooks aren't great enough to be recommendable and there's a slow spot in the middle of it, but this is one of Madge's more formidable tracks on the album. She still sucks, though.

Forbidden Love 9/10

Now, this is a good song. The beat is appropriately danceable. The locust-esque synths are rather heavy but it doesn't overburden the song. Most importantly, however, there are vocal hooks! The beeping synthesizers in the background not only keep the beat, but adds some harmony to the song.

Jump 7.5/10

She's being the disco lady here (with a fairly genuine disco beat and a lot of production). The beat is fun, though, and there are a few good hooks in the melody. The production is a little bit overboard, but it's hardly detestable. Not a bad effort here.

How High 6.5/10

This song leaves me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's a synth-pop song, and it's difficult for me to hate a synth-pop song. It also has some hooks in it. But on the other hand, it's just not very interesting. The instrumentation is thick, and it's just too overproduced. Again, not a horrible effort. She's sure doing a lot better than her dismal previous album ... man.

Isaac 5/10

MADONNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... Please don't attempt to do world music ever again! Only a select few people are able to do this. I'll name a few: Paul Simon, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush. Madonna is NOT able to do world music. A disco-dance pop song admist some Middle Eastern bellowing is difficult to take seriously.

Push 3/10

DUDE! OKAY, WHOEVER MIXED AND DID THE ARRANGEMENTS TO THIS SONG SERIOUSLY SHOULD HAVE THEIR FACES STUFFED IN THE TOILET! ... Who the heck does this crap? Are these people who are actually paid money? ... Yuck! ... This is an unbearable song that reminds me exactly why Madonna is stupid. All those rumors that we hear about her actually having a genius-level IQ is inherently false. This song not only has no hooks, but it's as annoying as hell.

Like it Or Not 5/10

Well, at least she's being honest in this song title. I'm definitely in the camp of people who doesn't like this song! She goes for the simple pop song here, which is certainly a positive, because much of her songs are overproduced to the point of pain. Unfortunately, the melody is bland, and there is no compelling reason to listen to this song.

Are you a Madonna Llama? Does Llama like a lotta gramma here.