Boringica

Overall Album Score: 5.6 out of 10

Thanks to the success Madonna had in 1990 with "Vogue," previously reviewed on I'm Breathless, Madonna decided to release an album full of similar material. Unfortunately, nothing on here even comes close to matching it. So, what is Erotica? It's just a different sounding Madonna with the same old problems. What makes it worse is that 1992 was the dawn of the CD age, which gave her the excuse to extend a usual 40-50 minute album to one that's 75 minutes. Only God knows how I find so much time to waste listening to, much less reviewing, this worthless album!

OK it's not worthless. It's just hopelessly mediocre with a only few good moments. Actually, there's only one good moment, and that's "Deeper and Deeper." I advise anyone interested in this album to just purchase that song for 99 cents from iTunes unless you can find this entire album for 99 cents at a thrift shop somewhere. Don't pay a penny more than that. Other than "Deeper and Deeper," there are a handful of OK tracks such as "Fever" and "Where Life Begins." They still manage to pale strongly against "Deeper and Deeper," but they're alright. The remainder of the album, especially the last half, is full of such tedious pieces of crap that I'm surprised this album didn't ignite any severe backlashes against the adult film community. (Although I guess erotica is also boring, repetitive and tasteless. But this album isn't prurient, is it?!)

The production proves that Madonna had an endless budget, and she spared no expense. However, money cannot buy artistic ingenuity, and that hasn't been more absent in Madonna discography than it has now. Furthermore, she proves that she doesn't have any sense, because most of these songs are boring, pointless and mind numbing. Only through the grace of God, I managed to sit through this album a half dozen times! All I can say is if you're planning on listening to this album, you're better off giving yourself a lobotomy.

Overall Album Score: 5.6 out of 10 (This is the worst "full-commissioned" Madonna album so far. To my utmost horror, it actually gets much worse than this. This album is so tedious that beating my head in with a mallet would be more constructive than listening to this again.)

Average Song Score: 6.2 (There's really only one song that's well-written, and that's "Deeper and Deeper.")

Album Tilt: 5.0 (Hopelessly lengthy and hopelessly tedious. I'm grateful I made it out of this alive the second time around. What a painful experience.)

Artist Rating: 5.5 (She's about as innovative as a mackerel.)

Track Reviews

Erotica 7.5/10

This isn't bad except it puts me to sleep. It starts out with a cool, clear groove. Now, I like this groove for the first two minutes or so. The problem comes in when I have to listen to it for five minutes. To a positive degree, Madonna constantly introduces new instruments to the mix to hopefully keep the effort fresh sounding. However, the underlying groove and beat doesn't change whatsoever. I think her goal was to put me in a trance whilst she spouts off all these child-corrupting lyrics. There are a few nice hooks here and there in the melody, but she repeats it so dang much that it becomes utterly stale.

Fever 8/10

This time, the groove is more hooky and constructive. It has enough inertia to make it work throughout its running length and it's a much better "trance" type number. Again, this would have worked better as a three-minute song instead of a five-minute song, but it's getting redundant complaining about song lengths since Madonna has absolutely no sense in that regard! The melody works well enough, but it's probably best if you just concentrate on that addictive groove.

Bye Bye Baby 7/10

There is good news. This song is only four minutes long. The bad news is that this thing is fairly annoying. You have Madonna singing a very primitive melody amongst an intrusive groove. Again, this groove doesn't change much throughout until a very awkward subsection pops up in the middle. They're trying to impress me with their groove gadgetry in the final third... I'm sooooooo impressed. OK, shut up already.

Deeper and Deeper 9/10

For once Madonna makes a song that's worthy of Kylie Minogue. And this is the only song that's actually worth listening to in this godforsaken album. (If you're reading these track reviews in order, you should know that I haven't even gotten to the bad stuff yet.) This song actually has a catchy melody, a good chord progression and (more or less) constructive production. However it continues to seem like Madonna stifles productive creativity; that Spanish guitar bit in the middle was different but it was entirely awkward and the song would have benefitted with out it. Well, that's just a minor complaint considering I actually enjoy listening to this.

Where Life Begins 8/10

Alright, if you actually dare listening to this album, you'd might as well just turn it off at this point, because everything's going to seem like a vast disappointment after hearing "Deeper and Deeper." But since I'm a loser with no friends, I'm going to continue reviewing this album. So again, Madonna concocts a cool, laid-back groove (read: boring) and she's content to just whisper and half-sing ridiculous lyrics. Even though this song is boring, it does have a surprisingly developed atmosphere that works enough to redeem it.

Bad Girl 7/10

The good news is that this isn't another techno/house song. It's pretty similar to a ballad that she might have done on True Blue or something. The bad news is that it's boring and it lasts five minutes long. I can take this song best when I have patience, which seems to be fairly high at the moment. I will point out that the melody is above-average for Madonna (read: it's bland but has mildly decent hooks). Well that's something.

Waiting 6/10

The first song of the album to completely bomb. I'm stubbornly trying not to make this experience drive me total bonkers, but this is very difficult for me to sit through. The repetititititititive groove isn't interesting for ten seconds much less six minutes. Madonna doesn't bother writing any melodic hooks; she sounds like she was making up the melody as she was going along, and she probably was. The saving grace is that the production sounds more deliberate than sloppy, but that just means that they did this boring nonsense on purpose. I just want it to end.

Theif of Hearts 5/10

The good news is that this is an upbeat song and it has a groove similar to "Like a Prayer." The bad news is that it's less interesting than a documentary about bank accountants. This is really mind numbing, and I can't think of anything to actually redeem this. There are a few studio tricks that don't pack on any interesting atmosphere, but disorient me more than anything. It's like this song was recorded within one of my nightmares. Gah!!!

Words 6.5/10

Another worthless, slicked-up dance track. This one has an OK groove but it's completely bland and Madonna's melody sounds like she's making it up as she went along. She tried something interesting in the middle, almost turning it into a ballad. The transition there is so awkward, but it's nice that she was at least trying to develop this. My mind is so numb that I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to use it again.

Rain 6.5/10

This overextended ballad might not have been so bad if it wasn't so boring. Why Madonna can't write a catchy melody continues to frustrate me. The only redeeming quality of this song is the cool and laid-back atmosphere, because it helps put me to sleep so there's the vague chance that I'll get to experience this song while unconscious. I get the impression that Madonna's best to hear when you're not paying attention to it.

Why It's So Hard 6/10

One of the points of these track reviews is to try to review these songs apart from the general context of the album. But listening to these songs back to back is so taxing on me that I can't help but let these track scores suffer as a result. Again with the uninteresting "trances" and worthless melodies, and I feel like if I listen to this album any more my brain is going to explode. It's safe to say that Madonna has no imagination.

In This Life 4/10

Maybe in the next life you can be less boring! This song is well over six minutes long and I'm so bored to tears that it's not even funny. The one redeeming aspect of this song is the atmosphere, which is thicker and more convincing than some of the previous songs (where that would have helped). But this song deserves a major kick in the pants for being so hopelessly lengthy and boring. Madonna's the anti-artist.

Did You Do It? 0.5/10

I feel like I'm in Hell. This the exact same pseudo-urban groove as "Waiting." Madonna's so out of ideas that she's repeating the same songs within the album. The major difference is some uninteresting male rapper is brought in to rattle off some of the dirtiest lyrics I've ever heard. I'm against music censorship, but this is hopeless. Maybe the ultra-conservative censorship "heroes" have a point after all. Luckily, this is kept off the "clean" version of the album, and it's for the best. This is probably one of the worst songs ever recorded.

Secret Garden 6/10

THANK GOODNESS. IT'S THE LAST SONG. I've been grating my teeth so much that I'll probably have to get them capped now. I'll send the bill to Madonna, and I expect immediate repayment. This particular song has a little bit of jazz undertones. The twinkly piano we hear sprinkled throughout gives it that impression. But she continues to assault her listeners with these overly repetitive, hookless and bland grooves. She probably expected her listeners to shut off this album by now. Well, I'm never going to listen to this again.

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