I'm Clueless

Overall Album Score: 5.6 out of 10

One thing I said about Kiss that probably angers a lot of their fans is I think Music From "The Elder" is one of their best albums. As you know, Kiss is known for their trash-metal, and Music From "The Elder" is their foray into complicated art-rock. The only reason I think that's one of Kiss' best albums is because that group tends to sound best when they're not sounding like themselves.

The funny thing about Madonna going Broadway with I'm Breathless is that you'd think it would fall under the same principle. I don't like Madonna's adult contemporary music almost by default --- and here she is singing Broadway tunes. I grew up listening to Broadway tunes thanks to the taste of my parents --- and, gosh, she's annoying. For example, I'd rather eat my own brains than listen to the phenomenally annoying "Cry Baby" again. Holy crap.

But the album doesn't start out too horribly. Somehow, Madonna's usually able to find one decent song per album, and it's usually the first one. "He's a Man" is surprisingly good, and it combines jazz sensibilities with Madonna's pop image. Madonna's pseudo-jazz-siren vocals actually manage to sound constructive instead of annoying. The melody isn't the greatest on the planet and the whole effort is rather middle-of-the-road when you think about it. But I'm not going to think much about it, so I'm gonna say that it's pretty good for Madonna.

Of course, "Vogue" is probably the only reason 70 percent of the people bought this album, and that's definitely a good one. That track singularly points to the direction Madonna would begin taking in her follow-up album, Erotica in 1992. But "Vogue" is actually better than anything on that album, so she would have been well-advised to just end that association with techno right here. Eh, Madonna never listens to me. I don't know why I say things.

This album probably had potential --- as much potential as any album has, I suppose. Madonna's pretty intelligent, but her taste leaves something to be desired. And her work in I'm Breathless leaves me gasping for air.

Overall Album Score: 5.6 out of 10 (Madonna, I give this soundtrack an F. There's some merit to it, but you're annoying me to death. Maybe Madonna should just stop making albums.)

Average Song Score: 6.4 (It benefits from sounding like bad jazz music and not always bad Madonna music...)

Album Tilt: 5.5 (This is much more annoying than the 6.4 song average is letting on.)

Artist Tilt: 5.0 (It's so unforgivably hokey and derivative that it's a surprise even coming from Madonna.)

Track Reviews

He's a Man 9/10

This isn't such a horrible song. (Oh, look at me --- I have an already established negative feeling toward Madonna's albums before I even start reviewing them. Talk about bias.) This is the best possible combination between pop-idol Madonna and Broadway conceivable. This is a generally well-written and arranged tune with a catchy melody and a chord progression that actually goes somewhere. Madonna delivers a rather spirited vocal performance --- it's fun and it doesn't go over-the-top. Well, this is a first.

Sooner or Later 8/10

Stephen Sondheim wrote this jazz tune --- and it's pretty good, I guess. It does suffer because it's nothing but hopelessly derivative. But at the same time I suppose that's what they were probably going for in Dick Tracy... Madonna's not that great of a singer. It's pretty obvious they chose her for this movie because of her star power and not the singing abilities.

Hanky Panky 4/10

Only Madonna could make a Top 10 hit single with this piece of donkey fungus. Unlike "He's a Man," this is pretty much the worst possible combination between pop-idol Madonna and Broadway. The music itself is derivative (but that's no surprise), but it's takes all the obnoxious aspects from the swing era with the expressed purpose of driving me crazy. I hate it. To make matters worse, Madonna decides to rhyme "hanky panky" with "I need a good spanky."

I'm Going Bananas 6/10

This is a cutesy foray into Desi Arnaz Tropicana music. You expect Madonna to be prancing around in a Chiquita banana girl costume while she's singing as cutesy as possible. It's obnoxious for her to sing like she's Mexican, but ... she talks like a gangsta today, so there you go.

Cry Baby 5/10

This is so derivative that I'm surprised it's not really from the era. Well, Madonna co-wrote this with somebody ... OK, that's probably being generous. Somebody else wrote this, and Madonna took the credit!! This is another overly cutesy song that's enough to drive anyone crazy --- and ya know, I grew up listening to showtunes. I've had enough of this...

Something to Remember 6/10

It's a relief, at first, to note that this isn't a cutesy Broadway track. It's a typical pop-Idol Madonna ballad. Unfortunately, it's as bland as can be --- and this is so devoid of melody and excitement that it's sucking out my life-force...

Back in Business 6/10

Well I guess it's better being bored than annoyed. This marks the return to the pseduo-Broadway tunes. It switches back and forth (clumsily) between a really boring atmospheric section and a more upbeat, swinging tune. It's putting me to sleep, but at least it's not driving me mad. (OK, those cutesy vocals in the final third are pretty dang horrible. Madonna, you can't sing that well in your normal voice.)

More 6.5/10

Please, no MORE!!! Stephen Sondheim writes boring music --- but this is certainly more fascinating than Madonna's "originals." You can tell that Sondheim was a professional songwriter, at the very least, because this song is very well developed. It's not a great song to begin with --- again, it sounds like every other showtune about this era.

What Can You Lose 5/10

Here is Madonna's duet with Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, and it's BORING. Stephen Sondheim sucks, I guess. OK, he wrote a few good musicals, but this is the blandest freaking love ballad that I ever heard in my life. I feel sorry for Broadway critics, because they have to sit through tons of this CRAP. (Hey, at least Inigo Montoya could tell Madonna "Prepare to die" or something --- I would have given this an A+ rating if that were the case.)

Now I'm Following You (Part 1) 5.5/10

Hey, look at this. Madonna is a better singer than Warren Beatty. This is a cutesy old duet that I don't care about. The best thing about it is that it's over after only 90 seconds.

Now I'm Following You (Part II) 6.5/10

Oh, you jerks. The boring jazzy mayhem continues with, which is the same thing as the previous track except they add an '80s backing beat. As if we didn't get enough of that from Taco! The last half of this continues in the same vein except they include a bunch of sound effects from the movie. Well, at least it's a bit more interesting and surreal...

Vogue 9.5/10

And then there was "Vogue." It's funny that I enjoy hearing this song considering it was a gay anthem. Well, I also admitted to liking Stylie Minnow's "Better the Devil You Know." The nice thing about this track is that it has a sort of class that manages to do enough to define the essence of early '90s techno music. Plus, I think the song is properly danceable and pretty enjoyable in that vein.

Leaveth thou Madonna comments here.