It's More Like Praying to the Porcelain God, Actually

Overall Album Score: 7.1 out of 10

Well, at least this is a tolerable Madonna album. Speaking as someone who usually can't stand her work, it's nice to finally hear something that I can sit through without wanting to die. Not that she didn't lay a couple of stink bombs in here, but I'm going to start this review off on an optimistic note.

Largely, this album is the one where all the critics and fans clamor over in which she became a real *artist*. OK, I'll play along for a minute. This is her first album in which all (or even most) of the tracks aren't dance songs. You have a few ballads, a crappy psychedelic track and a couple art songs done with a splash of classical music. Of course, there's still a few dance songs --- the eternally popular "Express Yourself" and "Keep it Together." But is this really artistic?

Um............. Well, she was *pretending* to be an artist, but she's not very convincing at it. You notice this especially in the ballads, "Promise to Try" proves just how weak her voice really is! I will however admit to enjoying "Spanish Eyes" though it doesn't contain much convincing emotion, but it's very strong melody puts it well over the edge for me. "Dear Jesse" was a nice enough attempt to emulate Kate Bush, but the sloppiness and aimlessness of it proves that Madge really didn't have a chance.

Her collaboration with Prince in "Love Song" proved to be a complete mess. You might think it would be at least halfway decent, but it comes off as a couple of overly famous celebrities saying "Ooo! Look at me and my sexy voice!" What a shame...

Overall, this is a nice hodgepodge of tracks, and I appreciate that Madonna at least made an attempt at it. The diversity keeps it interesting, which is unique for her... Usually, her albums are quite monotonous. The reason it's not a total success is simply because Madonna was never an artist. She's just some average singer who managed to make quite a bit of cash on her image. Now that she temporarily had run out of things to buy, she wanted to garner some critical support so that people would always talk well of her merits. That's not working on me, sister! (Shame that I'm not a real critic, though... Ah, Madonna ultimately wins again...)

Overall Album Score: 7.1 out of 10 (Madonna unleashed a positive album... It's unfortunate that it's not the classic everyone says it is, but this is still pretty good for Madonna.)

Average Song Score: 7.3 (This is fairly consistent for Madonna. Only a few stinkers and other songs are actually quite good! Yay!)

Album Tilt: 7.0 (I would be tempted to raise this, but the enormously horrid clunkers is what keeps me from doing so.)

Artist Rating: 7.0 (Madonna's as convincing at the art of music as Al Gore is at acting. Just smile and nod at her.)

Track Reviews

Like a Prayer 9/10

I can't say that Madonna doesn't start this album off well. "Like a Prayer" is a nicely done and rather catchy tune... though nothing like a good ABBA tune. This seems to go back and forth between a dance number and a pretentious ballad. (OK, everything Madonna has ever done was pretentious!) The gospel singers she uses at the end are ideas that normally make me groan --- but I welcome them for once. They're rather spirited, in my opinion. (But most pop artists have no idea how to use gospel singers --- I'm looking at you, Mariah Carey.) The nicest aspect about this song is that it doesn't get tiring. So for Madonna, "Like a Prayer" is a success to the eighth power.

Express Yourself 8/10

This has another good hook --- an even stronger hook than "Like a Prayer" --- but why does Madonna feel the need for incessantly repeating it for eight minutes? I suppose this is one of Madonna's dance-floor classics, but why she has to extend them to the point of insanity is crippling. Can anyone else say "filler?" ... Yeah, I thought so. (One of Madonna's background singers is better than she is.)

Love Song 5/10

What do you get when you combine Madonna and Prince? It's "Love Song." The two weren't even creative enough to think of a less general song title. You'd hope that at least Prince would help turn this song into something generally worth listening to. Its sluggish pace and almost universal lack of any real hooks keeps it from that. All we get is this duet where both singers attempt to outshine one another, but they both end up sounding like jerks. If it's any consolation, I used to hate this song a great deal worse.

Till Death Do Us Part 7.5/10

OK. It starts out with a rapid, electronic loop. It's semi-synth-pop but it didn't sound committed enough to delve into that genre fully. As a matter of fact, there are a few decent vocal hooks here --- there aren't many of them and the ones that are present come off as rather weak. But at least it's a fairly solid try --- and one of Madge's better "experiments" into electronica. (The quotations mean that nothing Madonna ever did can be considered an experiment. I mean, seriously.)

Promise to Try 7/10

Here is a nice enough attempt at making a touching piano ballad. Of course, she'd never be able to top similar ballads like Kate Bush's "This Woman's Word" or "And Dream of Sheep," but it's nice enough to hear Madonna try. Unfortunately, this is where it becomes painfully obvious that Madge's voice is inexpressive and dull. Furthermore, these hooks just don't catch anything. At best, this comes off as amateurish... but I do appreciate the fact that it wasn't overproduced. That was rather bold of her, because she didn't have anything to hide under...

Cherish 8/10

An alright pop song. The hooks are mild but they keep the song interesting in the melodic sense, which is certainly something I wouldn't have expected to hear much in True Blue. The production is A-OK, and this is a generally fun and snappy pop song. Hooray!

Dear Jessie 7.5/10

This has a nice enough idea to combine her ideas with classical music with those Cloudbusting violins. The melody is OK though the production is too busy, misguided and clumsy. Poor Madonna can't do art-rock that well! She's just an amateur. Again, I like hearing her try... There are a few good melodic ideas in here, and I like her Beatles-esque horn during the interlude.

Oh Father 8.5/10

Another classical-inspired track, and it's more successful than the previous one largely because the instrumental ideas are more grounded and conventional. The chorus is rather nice, but the verses are pretty boring. I'm not going to complain a lot. I like hearing this song, and I think it's generally well-done. With Madonna, you've got to count your blessings.

Keep it Together 7/10

It's back to the funky dance! "Keep it Together" is rather bland although the instrumentation certainly seems more purposeful and successful than the previous two tracks. The groove is well constructed, and they seem to have the right sounds coming at the right times. However, this groove isn't catchy at all, and neither is the vocal melody. So... Well, I guess if you're spending too much time dancing, you probably won't care that much about the melody....

Spanish Eyes 9.5/10

Now I actually like this one. Madonna's balladry was never as convincing as it was in "Spanish Eyes" (I guess unless you count those Andrew Lloyd Webber songs). That's mostly because of the hooks. This material still sounds suited for another singer, but Madonna does a surprisingly convincing job. Nicely done, and you're welcome.

Act of Contrition 4/10

OK, here's the big turd. "Act of Contrition" is some psychedelic and pretentious nonsense apparently about Madonna having died and gone to judgment day. You hear electric guitars, a gospel choir and some weird reversed noises. Madonna's saying a prayer and trying to get into heaven ... and then she screams "What do you mean it's not in the computer?!" This thing is really horrible... But at least Madonna's being honest with herself that she's going to hell.

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