Stupid Music

Overall Album Score: 4.1 out of 10

It's better than the last one, but that doesn't mean that Music isn't an utter piece of garbage. If dinosaurs like Madonna were really so intent on sticking around the music world, why can't they do something GOOD? This frustrates me ever so much! I mean ... there's the dinosaur like David Bowie who manages to be both old and cool at the same time, and then there's the dinosaur like Madonna who has the old bit down packed but has extreme trouble with the "cool" bit.

Alas! Count yer blessings, right? This isn't nearly as boring and stupid as Ray of Light was. Most of the songs on here are fast-paced and upbeat. Some of them don't even suck! But ... geez ... will Madonna EVER stop taking herself so seriously? She certainly has the talent and the know-how to pull off a song, but they are rarely ever enjoyable because she's not enjoying herself! (Although, I'd imagine that she enjoys the money that she makes off of these from all you peons who actually buy these.)

Oh, and for the love of all the children of the world, LAY OFF THE ANNOYING VOCAL EFFECTS! Those are totally uncool, and totally got you a 0minus on one of your songs.

Madonna can kiss my big bulging butt. (And it *really* bulges, too ... if you would like, I'll take a digital photograph of it and e-mail it to you.)

Overall Album Score: 4.1 out of 10 (Madonna is a turd.)

Average Song Score: 4.9 (There are several altogether decent songs in here ... but it's mixed with far more CRAP songs in here for those to really matter. There's even a 0minus song in here, which I don't award too often.)

Album Tilt: 4.0 (Good on Madonna for the 7- and 8- scoring songs on here. Shame on Madonna for all the other songs, especially for that UTTERLY CRAPPY but very appropriately titled "Nobody's Perfect.")

Artist Rating: 3.5 (This was clearly more of an entrepreneurist expedition than an artistic one. The pop production on these songs are dull and unimaginative ... and so are most of the songs themselves. With the presence of a song so atrocious that it got a 0minus, it was really nice of me to keep the 'artist' score from getting anything below this already dismal score!)

Track Reviews

Music 8/10

It's fairly obvious that this song will become utterly outdated at some undisclosed time in the near future. That said, even though this song encompasses all the lame cliches of modern pop, it's actually far from unlistenable. And so, the beginning of this Madonna album starts out alright ... but how many other Madonna albums have started out alright and have quickly went down the gutter? There's been too many to count! ... seemingly.

Impressive Instant 3/10

And, when the production of "Music" was tolerable, the production of "Impressive Instant" is seriously getting annoying. The techno beat is mind-numbingly crapola. The vocal effects are so awful that they make me want to absolutely scream. And that's not to mention the utterly banal sound effects that Madonna (or her producer) lazily slopped onto all this. To top all that off, the melody is utterly toneless. Total blah.

Runaway Lover 7/10

Better. Why can't Madonna put all of her lame songs at the end? "Impressive Instant" being the second track of a Madonna album is totally unacceptable! Anyway ... This techno-pop song is as stupid and uncreative as you might expect from Madonna. But it's listenable. That's my mere requirement from Madonna at this point. I'm currently sick to death of her.

Deserve It 4/10

Wow! It's Madonna going minimalist on us! ... relatively speaking, that is. But, man! I can only barely fathom a less CRAP melody than this. Really? How can such a celebrated musician write such a dull melody? People who buy Madonna albums should be shot ... or find something else to buy. There's a lot of good stuff out there.

Amazing 6.5/10

Madonna! What is your freaking problem? Are you alternating your crap songs and your decent songs? Do you know what this kind of inconsistency is going to do to my health? Anyway, the melody here is too simple and too amateurish to be true, but the song itself is upbeat and nearly toetapping ... I, myself, would toetap with it, but I'm too sexy.

Nobody's Perfect 0minus/10

Another CRAP song. Compared to all the other crap songs on this album, this track brings me to the point where I could actually forgive them. But there's no way in Idaho that I would EVER be able to forgive this ABSOLUTELY CRAP song. This one is so engulfed in its own CRAP that there is absolutely NO redeeming quality about this. In fact, this is SO UTTERLY AWFUL that I think I'll just drag the whole album's score down by tacking on a minus to that zero. The melody sucks, but that's nothing new for Madonna. The real crap-kicker here are those so ANNOYING vocal effects! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! THAT'S REALLY SO ANNOYING THAT I JUST WANT TO RIP MY EARDRUMS OUT WITH MY BARE FINGERS!!! ... If you know what's good for you, stay away from this song! (Is the title an apology of some sort? ... Too bad, Madonna! Don Ignacio doesn't forgive you! Don Ignacio wishes that you would die soon! Thank you!)

Don't Tell Me 4/10

Whoah! Is my CD flipping out or something? ... Not only does this song provide further proof that Madonna and her cronies in the studio have NO talent, but ... ummm ... ... You freaking jerks have made me run out of insults! I hate you! This track might have been perfectly fine, but that stupid production totally screws it up.

What It Feels Like For a Girl 5/10

GROAN! ... Even though this song is mildly decent, I just have to GROAN! It's so boorrrringggggg! I have an attention span, you know! You can't impress me with that polished pop production! Polished poo it might be, but you couldn't get rid of that smell.

Paradise (Not For Me) 4.5/10

You don't deserve "paradise," freak. But with all the weirdoes out there buying up crap albums like this, I'm surprised that Madonna hadn't yet figured out that she can afford one. She should give all the money she makes from this hollow piece of crap album to starving kids or something. I might actually respect Madonna, then. This'd be like a charity-album! You never expect charity benefits to be any good, anyway. That sort of thing is right up Madonna's alley ... except, of course, she's way too greedy. Anyway, what is this song about anyway? Is it a statement against mp3 downloaders? Heck if I know. The day Madonna puts together a solid statement about something, the world will probably explode. (Geez ... this screeching synth is awful in here! What were they thinking? ... But, the symphony thing in here was nice. We need more of that.)

Gone 7.5/10

Gone? YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! IT'S THE LAST TRACK IN THE ALBUM, and what can I say? I'm 100 percent grateful that Madonna kept this album under 50 minutes. ... Heck, I'm so grateful of that, I might just give her an added bonus in the "artist category." On second thought, I won't ... 'cause this album has a 0minus track in here after all, which I so rarely award that it isn't even funny. Anyway, I digress! Let's talk about this song! It's not too awful, actually. It's a "minimalist" type song, but the melody isn't mind-blowingly awful like it was on "Deserve It." Wow. Madonna actually put together a solid singer'n'guitar type song! Amazing. I can't give it anything more than a 7.5, just because it doesn't have too much merit. Relatively speaking, this ought to be a 10, but Madonna sucks too much for that.

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