Ray of Trite

Overall Album Score: 3.9 out of 10

First of all, I'm going to address something that managed to get my goat. Somebody (and I'm not going to name names) clumped in Madonna's Ray of Light album with so-called "crappy" 90s music along with Sarah McLachlan. I'm sure if you go and visit the Sarah McLachlan page on my site, you'll discover that I like that artist quite a lot. The reason I bring that up is because about half of these songs sound like Madonna was trying to capitalize on the McLachlan success. Nevertheless, Madonna simply doesn't have very good taste and her instrumentation values are so trite that McLachlan's admittedly boring type of music is brought to excruciating extremes. I mean, it is difficult to enjoy a good Sarah McLachlan song as it is ... it's something that you'll have to sit down and try to sink your teeth into. Madonna, on the other hand, simply figured out what a Sarah McLachlan song ought to *sound* like but failed to put any real depth into it. If I were to sit down and try to sink my teeth into one of these Madonna songs, I would find absolutely NOTHING.

Sadly enough, the McLachlan-type songs are the best things on here! The rest are these hopelessly dull and unexciting techno songs. These pieces of crap fail to even put me into a trance! I thought that's why people *liked* techno songs in the first place! The trances, baby, the trances!! AND THESE TECHNO SONGS ARE SO UTTERLY BANAL THAT ... ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!! May I please assassinate Madonna? I really want to assassinate Madonna! To top that off, this album is pushing 66 minutes. What a complete waste of time! I didn't even enjoy *trashing* this like I should have ... when I listen to bad albums, I should at least find joy in trashing the living daylights out of it. I didn't get any sort of perverted happiness from writing this review! All I got was frustration! ... and a lot of ranting. There was a lot of ranting ...

Overall Album Score: 3.9 out of 10 (Madonna doesn't have very good taste, apparently. Whereas she seemed like she was proud of this effort, practically anyone else would have been embarrassed by this thing.)

Average Song Score: 4.7 (There are a few decent songs in here ... most notably the first three tracks are the only real listenable things in here. And there are a few other moments, but they are drowned so heavily in muck that it's difficult to identify them as actual songs.)

Album Tilt: 3.5 (I've heard even worse things about Madonna's following two albums ... but, at this point, this is easily Madonna's worst album.)

Artist Rating: 3.5 (I'm totally unimpressed with William Orbit's electronic contribution to this album ... and Madonna is a self-indulgent overly-serious person as usual. There's little fun to be had in this overlong crap-fest.)

Track Reviews

Drowned World/Substitute For Love 7/10

This isn't too terribly exciting ... and, frankly, even though I have a slight respect for all these William Orbit techno-electronica sounds going off all over the place, it really ought to have been made into a more aesthetically pleasing song. I semi-like this song, though! It fails to strike me as being super artistic (therefore, it's not super-respectable) ... but at least it tries for something beyond ordinary pop! But, yes, there was quite a lot of room for improvement here, for example, Madonna REALLY NEEDS TO STOP TAKING HERSELF SO DANGED SERIOUSLY!!! She's a talented bird and all that, but she really needs to quit being so self-righteous, because it has greatly hindered her music ever since 1984. If this were a *fun* song, then it would be a whole different story! Maybe it would have even gotten a 9 or something.

Swim 8/10

This is far from being awful, but I have the crazy notion that this was already recorded by Madonna and then Orbit came in and screwed everything up with his electronic instruments. ... Brian Eno really spoiled me, but Will's not that great of an electronic instrumentalist. It might not be his fault, but the strange electronic synths don't add ANYTHING. That said, I do kind of like this song, anyway. The melody is alright ... it's in the same sort of New-Age Alternative-Folk-Rock camp as Sarah McLachlan is in and stuff. All right, this is a good song ...what else?

Ray of Light 7.5/10

You have to understand ... Techno music has to try REALLY hard and be REALLY innovative for me to enjoy it. That thumping, repetitive beat would sooner have me squeezing the juice out of my eyeballs with my thumbs rather than actually start dancing to it. Most of William Orbit's electronic instruments really suck, actually ... but some specific electronic gadgets in here are cool, I guess. They are so uncreative and derivative that ... arrrrrffff! Just the same, though, this song manages to be enjoyable. It's NOT memorable or anything I'd like to listen to twice ... but it's kind of fun. (I'm sure that Madonna had nothing to do with the 'fun' part ... I still think she was being the stiff-rigid over-pretentious blah-artist.)

Candy Perfume Girl 4/10

Wow! The high-beginning of this Madonna album really spread itself well throughout the first three tracks there. Usually, we just get one good song and then the album starts sucking from there. Here, it took us all the way until the FOURTH track before the album starts becoming hopelessly trite and utterly dull. The melody here is non-existent. Orbit's electronic stuff ... certainly, the song would have been worse without them, but they can't single-handedly pull this song's integrity out of the muck that it's in. This song is nothing.

Skin 3/10

Yikes! Six minutes and thirty seconds! Ooooooh boy. You know, with the 8 billion songwriters who helped write these songs, it's absolutely amazing that not one of them could write a congruent line of melody. This is an utterly dull and uninteresting techno song ... there is a melody here and probably about two or so interesting hooks in it ... but this is one tremendously lifeless song! Madonna probably thought she was creating some sort of masterpiece with this one ... but her ego-problem is the only reason she was unable to self-criticize herself into realizing that this song actually sucks. Madonna really should bite the big one.

Nothing Really Matters 4/10

NOTHING REALLY MATTERS ... ANYONE CAN SEE ... NOTHING REALLY MATTERSSSSS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (I wish I was listening to Queen ... Queen actually knew how to have FUN with their music!) This is another hopelessly dull and generic techno song. If I ever went to a rave (and, believe me, there's no freaking reason that I would EVER stoop to raving), and they were playing this stupid song, I would kick the DJ in the GROIN!!!!!!!! HAH HAH!!!! STUPID DJ!!!!! Certain aspects of this song keep me from awarding this score below a 4 ... but CRAP! I hate that STUPID beat! Just because it's techno doesn't necessarily mean the beat has to sound so crap! (Re-listen to "Dancing Queen" ... that was an exciting dance song, and it didn't need a generic beat to be toe-tapping.) Stuff like this will make the children of tomorrow weep for our generation. If you think weeping for the 80s generation is bad ... just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins.

Sky Fits Heaven 3/10

This techno song is utterly HOPELESSSSSSSSSSS!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! At one point in here, Madonna sings something rather nice, but it's really not that great. It sure sounds nice over all that stupid techno crap. I think I'm going to kick something.

Shanti/Ashtangi 4/10

Madonna sings something really stupid in a different language. (I guess it's better than listening to Madonna sing in English, because her lyrics are utter dribble.) If you're someone out there who thinks that the electronica aspects of this album are totally cool, and you've never listened to Brian Eno or Roxy Music, then you are completely deprived!!! Listen to some good electronic music and then get back to me. Speaking of this song ... it's still utter boring crap, but at least the tribal aspect of this lends this lifeless album a bit of lifeless diversity.

Frozen 6.5/10

FROZEN BOWEL MOVEMENTS!!!!! ... Actually, this song starts off well enough, being a simplistic classical music-inspired thing. But even when Madonna starts sounding nice and pleasant, she can't seem to get away from the drum-machine beating. That said, this isn't techno music at all ... rather, this is more of a cheap version of Sarah McLachlan, so it's okay. (Really ... I doubt you can find an 'artist' who is more distant from her songs than Madonna. McLachlan isn't perfect, but at least she's elegant and thoughtful. Madonna's plastic and shallow.) And this song is way too long (6+ minutes) and it ran out of ideas after the first minute! THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME, WENCH!!!!!!!!

The Power of Goodbye 6/10

Goodbye! I refuse to review any more of this album! See ya! ... Okay, okay ... it's almost done ... only four left to go ... *clenches teeth* ... Alright, alright ... this song is another cheap-McLachlan thing and *not* stupid techno. ... ... You know, McLachlan always had a hard time keeping her songs interesting, for the most part. I always found her rather boring, but if I found time to dig deep enough into her material, I would normally find high rewards. Madonna, on the other hand, if you dig two centimeters into her material, you will find a huge bowl of snot. And this song is so dull and uninteresting that there's no real reason for me to even be vaguely interested in getting deeper into. Where's the melody? Aren't songs generally supposed to have melody? And doesn't this instrumentation strike anyone else as being cheesy? ... Listening to McLachlan must have badly spoiled me or something, but ... arrrrrrggg! This isn't really a failed song, though. Taking it on the surface, it's not too awful.

To Have and Not to Hold 4.5/10

What can I say? It ain't stupid Madonna-version techno! This is another booooooooooooooooring ballad, though. This is ..................................... I'm sorry ... I'm so bored that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what to write about this. Maybe I'll just fall asleep or something... Yes. I do feel tuckered. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... It's way too long, too. I can get a pretty decent nap, then!

Little Star 3/10

I swear, I don't like counting off points for bad lyrics ... but these are BAD ... Oooooh geeeeeeeeez! And this song is so mind numbingly boring! I'm just going to type a bunch of letters now, because I'm so danged bored. OIR($)($)(#)(#)($)(OIROGNOIRNONIGRJKNFLKNGKLNEOIWOI@)((#

Mer Girl 0/10

WHAT!!!! HUH???!!! DID I LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK????!!! ... Oh man! I wish they wouldn't do this to me, I was having a perfectly good nap, and they have to go and disrupt me with dial tone noises. Oh bloody heck! That dial tone, which provides the basis for this song, was really STUPID. And this song is really BORING. In fact, for the love of everything that's good in this world, I cannot find a SINGLE THING to like about this zero-tone, self-indulgent song. Ooooooooooohhhhh ... and it goes on for more than five and a half minutes!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGG! This is easily the worst thing that Madonna has ever done. This is so bad, that if crap could crap crap, this would be it. I'm so happy that this is the last song of the album, because I was really starting to get pissed off.

This album stinks. Case closed. Don't leave your thoughts about this album here!