I Listened to This Album Twice, and I Swear My Face Had Never Looked That Blue Since.

Overall Album Score: 6.2 out of 10

This is the second time I attempted to review this album, and I admit my original review was pretty harsh. Unlike what I wrote in that review, this album isn't the worst thing to ever happen to me. However, I still think it's pretty bad and nowhere near as great as authoritative magazines like Rolling Stone and Pitchfork would have you believe.

It's pretty obvious to me that Madonna was trying to copy the styles of the glorious euro-pop band ABBA but update it for the '80s. As somebody who thinks ABBA at their peak is great, I can tell you that Madonna doesn't come close to matching it. This album has 1/8th the hooks, and it seems about 1/5th cheaper than an ABBA album.

However, this work does have some merits. Very little Madonna ever did can manage to top her hopelessly catchy "Papa Don't Preach." When a song is as catchy as that one, the fact that it's overproduced almost seems like a positive. I also enjoy the well-done "Open My Heart" with a so-so melody.

There's some real awfulness in this album though. I don't care to imagine anything more obnoxious than the title track. Obviously the aim of it was to update '50s music for the '80s ... Unfortunately, the production doesn't suit such a song, and the melody is pretty stupid. That was clearly a bad idea! Also, trying to combine '80s pop with Latin music didn't work in "La Isla Bonita," which is rather difficult to even listen to.

Of course, the melodies throughout the album aren't too catchy. I already talked about the exception... The over-production was more or less decent throughout the entire work. I know a few sound effects saved "Jimmy, Jimmy" that was slated to be a horrible song. But other times it's just too much. It's enormously polished the whole way through, but there's little about it that is unusual or creative. If this album was a sculpture, it would be about two feet tall, made out of plastic and cost $2.99. That's also the most I'd ever pay for this.

Overall Album Score: 6.2 out of 10 (This is supposedly her artistic breakthrough, but this is just as hackeneyed than Like a Virgin. Apparently, I'm the only person in the world who believes this. Well, I shall take on the world!!!)

Average Song Score: 6.7 (One great hit --- the rest can bite the big one.)

Album Tilt: 6.0 (Hopelessly inconsistent. Don't waste your yawns!!!)

Artist Rating: 6.0 (If Madonna weren't so prone to take herself 10 times more seriously than necessary, I won't be prone to hating her guts.)

Track Reviews

Papa Don't Preach 10/10

It starts out with some classical posturing before the groove starts up. In that way, it's similar to ABBA's "As Good As New!" However, as far as melodies go, this is easily Madonna's best to this point ... and maybe later as well. The production is very '80s but in the good way this time. I hate to say that this uber-polished sound has been influential to creating the worst of the worst of pop music in the '80s! It sounds nice here ... there's very little that seems cheesy to me. I really hate the lyrics, though, so I don't pay attention to them!

Open Your Heart 8/10

Unfortunately, once you abandon the fantastic melodies, the song tends to suffer! This freaking track has a merely average melody, and it doesn't even stand a chance to get stuck in my head in a good way. What's left is a rather overproduced '80s song. As far as instrumentation and excessive '80s production standards go, I'll have to give this a thumbs-up. The percussion was programmed very well, and I like the '80s synths they use. It's done a lot better here than it was in her previous album. I think this is a minute too long though...

White Heat 7/10

This track starts out with some dialog from a cheesy '30s gangster movie. Usually, dialog like this doesn't work well, and it adds positively nothing to "White Heat." Kate Bush did something similar the year before in Hounds of Love and it worked nicely! You can tell the difference between those two ... Madonna has as many great ideas as Bush has bad ideas!! (And Bush probably had about three bad ideas.) But anyway, the groove starts up pretty quickly, and Madonna starts to sing a pop song. It's not too bad but I get awfully tired of it very quickly. She doesn't do a whole lot to keep it interesting ... the instrumentation remains fairly constant throughout the entire production, and the so-so hook gets repeated about eight billion times.

Live to Tell 6.5/10

That extended synth intro sounded like it was borrowed from the Alan Parsons Project in a pretty bad way. Oh well, as far as '80s crap goes, this intro was OK. This ballad's melody, however, is absolutely the worst in the album so far though. It has a nice hook here and there, but this whole thing just seems like one overburdened, drecky synth track. The production was alright (I like that busy synth line that pops up every once in awhile). This is really feeble compared to an ABBA ballad.

Where's the Party 5.5/10

Her is another upbeat, dancey track, which is clearly more up her alley. But the hooks here are so empty that there's very little for me to enjoy here. The melody is pretty involved, but it's just not a good one. What's left is a lot of show, but nothing to show for it!

True Blue 4/10

This is a song I always hated for many reasons. It's the most annoying and horrible track on the album, easily. The melody sounds like a 10-year-old wrote it in about 30 minutes after listening to an oldies station for two days straight. Furthermore, someone should give Madonna a lesson in lyrics writing. She should say: "You're the one I dream of." It's called rhythm, baby!

La Isla Bonita 5/10

I don't have anything against diversity but not when you're going to be a dork about it. This is a horrible attempt at combining this horrible '80s pop music with Latin stylings. The melody was OK though repeated too often, but its the production that destroyed it. Who needs that robotic bass line? That cheesy Spanish guitar destroys that instrument!!! This track is a big, 5+ minute hunk of over-produced boring.

Jimmy, Jimmy 7.5/10

This is another hopeless attempt to '80s-fy the '50s. Whoever said that '50s pop music was good enough to update anyway? That said I find this song enjoyable in an almost perverse way. I like the production here, which is surprising because I hated it so much in the previous track. The dark bass is fun, and then we hear these twinkly sound effects at times ... that was very nice. But those call and response phrases of "Jimmy, Jimmy oh Jimmy Jimmy" get tiresome pretty quickly.

Love Makes the World Go Round 6.5/10

We know Madonna doesn't believe the song title "Love Makes the World Go Round," because she loves money so much!!!! This has those party-time synths in the chorus that has a festive, bossa nova like feeling to it. They're cheesy but that's the only part of this track I like. Otherwise, the melody is boringly toneless.

BONUS TRACKS:

Just other versions of "La Isla Bonita" and "True Blue." Why they cut bonus issues of the worst songs on the album means that Madonna personally hates me. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case actually!

Do you party? Send me some comments here.