The Devil

Overall Album Score: 3.8 out of 10

Madonna and Sean Penn starred in a movie called "Who's That Girl" that I, very fortunately, never saw. Naturally, the movie had a soundtrack --- and it's horrible. The worst.

One reason Madonna might have been so high on everybody's list of "artistic heroes of the 1980s" might not only have been her PR department telling lies. It might also have been the release of Who's That Girl soundtrack. Granted, Madonna is only credited to less than half of these songs, but most of the non-Madonna compositions are so rock-bottom awful that it makes her contributions (which are worse than even the songs on her regular studio albums) seem like a godsend. That said, Scritti Politti's "Best Thing Ever" is vaguely decent, but that's really a poor composition. It just sounds pretty good next to the songs that surround it... Gosh, I should go to therapy after I finish this review.

Madonna had a big hit with "Who's That Girl" even though I find that to be an enormously bland work. The melody is so toneless that I can't even remember anything about it moments after hearing it. That's how much of an impression it leaves. But the big compliment I can give Madonna for that song is that it doesn't annoy me. "Causing a Commotion" was another hit, but that one's more bland in a bad way. Geez, I hate it that Madonna was ever popular. You wonder why people ever embraced someone who can't write music --- and honestly seems to not care about that fact.

Anyway, they also include "24 Hours" and "Step By Step" by oustide musicians. These tracks are so awful that I want to rip out my eardrums! The latter, especially, is old-school type hip hop that gets on my nerves like somebody scratching on a chalkboard. But the worst of the worst is yet to come... The closing track "El Coco Loco (So So Bad)" is probably the worst song ever recorded in the history of music. It should make Thomas Edison ashamed that he ever invented the sound recorder. It's an attempt to combine Latin music with '80s pop production, and the lead singer half sings and half vomits through it. I actually listened to that one the whole way through, and I was close to crying. That's how horrible this is.

This entire album, in fact, is miserable generic tripe. Don't touch it with a 10-foot pole. In fact, don't touch it at all with anything.

Overall Album Score: 3.8 out of 10 (Madonna's pocketbook keeps getting deeper and her work continues to get shallower. Meh. This is a worthless thing.)

Average Song Score: 4.4 (What a load of crap. This score isn't low enough.)

Album Tilt: 4.0 (This soundtrack's non-Madonna tracks makes Madonna look good. Know that.)

Artist Tilt: 3.0 (Absolutely the worst crap known to mankind is present in this blemish.)

Track Reviews

Who's That Girl 7/10

When I think I'm listening to a song called "Who's That Girl," the Eurythmics composition always comes to mind. You're pretty much better off listening to that song, because it's so much better. Madonna fans: You wouldn't even believe it. But anyway, no matter how much I dislike Madonna, I can't claim actively hating this song. There's nothing particularly annoying about it. The melody is bland and the groove is meaningless, but at least none of it is annoying. There's a lot of '80s production here, but even that's tolerable. This just goes in one ear and out the other. It does nothing to change your life, and it's better for that.

Causing a Commotion 6/10

This is a pile of meaningless mumbo jumbo, and it's pretty annoying this time. How a song like this would have been a hit in the '80s is beyond frustrating for me as someone who enjoys listening to melodic music. This track is so hookless that she didn't even seem to be trying. Remember: Madonna was only popular because of her PR skills and nothing else.

The Look of Love 5/10

This is a ballad of sorts. The instrumentation seems to try to emulate Peter Gabriel's pioneering efforts into world music. OK, I love hearing '80s world music, but one thing Madonna forgot to put in this song is --- I bet you can guess it --- a melody! You wonder why the hell she's even singing. This is so toneless and bland that any singer with a conscious would have just given up singing it in the middle.

24 Hours 3/10

This is written by some fellow named Duncan Faure who should probably be re-named "Hunk of Manure." Despite the fact that Madonna's three songs that opened the album are bland hunks of nothing, "24 Hours" manages to make them sound pretty good. A most annoying '80s groove pipes up that threatens to evaporate my brains. (OK I'm not listening to this album with headphones anymore!) Like the Madonna tracks, the song has no hooks whatsoever. You'd think these people have never heard a Beatles song before.

Step By Step 3/10

This is a sort of old school hip-hop song by someone called "Club Noveau" who should probably be re-named "Club My Head." And, it's annoying as hell. I guess old hip-hop guys had no idea what they were doing. This track is poorly arranged and overly repetitive ... If I have to hear that chorus "step by step" one more time, I'll cry. That instrumental bit in the middle was just stupid. It's gets cluttery and the session musicians sound like they've only been playing their instruments for two months --- whoever was playing that piano, especially, should die.

Turn it Up 5.5/10

Credited to somebody named "Michael Davidson" but he should probably be renamed "Sucky McSuckysucks." This is an over-produced '80s song although it's almost tolerable. They really should have worked on that melody and some of those chord changes. Those vocal effects and repeated lines were a big mistake. But --- hell, compared to everything else I've been subjected to in this album lately (AKA the devil's armpit), this is a masterpiece!

Best Thing Ever 7/10

This was credited to somebody named "Scritti Politti" who should probably be re-named "Crappy Po-Crappy." Actually I heard some of their albums before, and I thought the music was pretty bland. Though they're probably more musically gifted than Madonna --- not much though. This track contains merely a goofy overproduced '80s groove (similar to the music they always make). The melody isn't that catchy but somehow likable.

Can't Stop 3/10

Madonna, please do! Her fourth and final contribution on this piece of poop soundtrack starts out OK but it grows stale pretty quickly. Again, it consists of a ridiculous '80s groove that's as interesting as algebra class and a melody that's as fulfilling as a cow turd. If she had any melodic sense, her music would have been more tolerable. As I've been saying about her all along, she knows she doesn't need to sweat working on quality songwriting --- she's got the PR department that'll make her $$$ no matter what "music" she comes up with.

El Coco Loco (So So Bad) 0/10

This needs no description. It's so so bad. For some reason, these evil-heads save the worst song for last so the album ends with me wanting to go ape-crazy and start hitting inanimate objects with a metal bat. She can't end the album with anything less frustrating? This song is by somebody named "Coati Mundi" who should probably be renamed "Worthless." The music is the worst possible combination of salsa and mainstream '80s production. The lead singer sounds like he's engaging in a combination of singing and vomiting. You'd hope this guy wasn't serious, but I have a feeling that he was. Why this desecration has to go on for well past six minutes is evidence that the devil has it in for every one of us. Make no mistake about that.

Murder my tastes heres.