No I Can't

Overall Album Score: 6.5 out of 10

For once I can agree about something that other critics say about Madonna. It was a good idea of her to release this album full of dance remixes of her songs. It was a good idea not only for Madonna fans who liked to dance in the '80s, but it was a good idea for Madonna to make more $$$ (and with minimal effort, mind you), which was her #1 goal. This is her only album not to chart too well, which suggested that Madonna was a bit oversaturated at this point.

Unfortunately, this album didn't turn out to be as enjoyable as it could have been. Simply put: she picked the wrong songs for it. The only track present on this album that I actually like is "Holiday." For some reason, she chose to litter the rest of it with some of her more less-inspired tracks such as "Physical Attraction," "Where's the Party" and "Into the Groove."

For the Madonna fan who loves to dance, this thing definitely has value. All eight of these tracks are put to one extended dance groove that doesn't stop. Well, it does stop, very briefly, if you have this CD ripped to your iPod, but that was the idea. This way, you can just dance all the time and not have to stop in between tracks! As someone who doesn't like to dance, it's a shame this isn't fun to listen to. For the most part, these extended remixes are more uninspired than the original versions that are filled with annoying percussion ideas, vocal effects and some horrible session musician making embarrassing attempts at piano improvization.

It's also notable that "Spotlight" is the new track here, and it seemed appropriate for this. Also, if you're an American, your version of Like a Virgin probably didn't have "Into the Groove" on it, so that's a new one for you! Otherwise, I'd say just skip this album ... along with all of her other albums!!! (Bwah-hah-hah!!!!)

Overall Album Score: 6.5 out of 10 (A potentially fab compilation that was destroyed by the lack of taste in choosing songs.)

Average Song Score: 6.9 (A remix compilation based mostly on songs that weren't good to begin with.)

Album Tilt: 6.5 (It's usually against my style to score compilation albums, but this was done with a deliberate concept in mind. I like the concept. Now, work on choosing better songs.)

Artist Tilt: 6.0 (Unfortunately, these 'extended' versions were done rather lazily. Shoot the piano player.)

Track Reviews

Spotlight 8/10

This was a leftover from True Blue. Sorry to belabor the point, but the melody isn't memorable to me. However, it's certainly above average in terms of her norm, so consider this one of her best dance tracks. (That statement is worth something to people who don't agree that Madonna is overrated as heck.) Naturally, the main attraction of this song is its danceable groove, and I definitely think this groove is catchier than she normally makes it. The problem is the track is six minutes long and she didn't have many ideas to really warrant that length. OK, but at least you don't have to change your dance moves too quickly... you know. (As I said, Madonna doesn't change the dance beat --- she moves immediately onto the next track without a skip in the beat. There was some attempt for a transition. A very feeble attempt.)

Holiday 9.5/10

The nicest thing about Madonna compilations is that it's always going to have "Holiday" on it. It must. That's probably her best songs, and nobody in the business of purchasing compilations would ever want an album without it. As a further example of its rarity in Madonna's career --- it's even enjoyable when it's extended past six minutes. The groove never gets old, and the melody is actually catchy. The instrumentation is varied enough to keep it interesting, as well. (Although that's piano solo is about the worst jazz improvization I've ever heard.) It's a shame she didn't have too many songs like this......

Everybody 7/10

This was one of the lesser tracks from her debut album although it's not necessarily unwelcome here. It has an OK groove for awhile, but it gets tiring after a little while. For some reason I'm liking this better than when I'm hearing it here. I can't, for the life of me, convince myself that this isn't a bland melody that seems to get worse everything she repeats it. As long as I'm in the mood for dancing, I might not want to stop after hearing this. (It apparently wants to stop, though --- they stop the beat in the middle of this to make room for a goofy and meaningless vocal effect.) But I don't dance to music. I just listen to it while sitting on my bottom --- like I'm doing now!

Physical Attraction 6/10

Here is another track from her debut album. I think that's her best album, but she sure seems to be choosing the wrong songs from it (apart from "Holiday" that is). I accused this as being the filler track in that album, but maybe Madonna didn't consider it as such if she's including it in this compilation. Well, she must be a nutcase. She should have remixed "Borderline" or "Lucky Star" while she was at it. Or even "Material Girl" for cripes sake. Those are much more fun to dance to in my opinion. Furthermore, I don't think this is actually different, in any way, from the original. As far as dance tracks go, this is one of her more boring ones...

Over and Over 6/10

Here is another Madonna composition that I never liked. I wonder why she even chose these songs, because they're clearly not her best work. Anyway, I guess this is fine to dance to if you're already in the mood, because there's no way a song like this would get me in the spirit to dance. The melody is nothing, and so is the groove. This is just a bland song set to a dancey beat. Who needs that? I mean, seriously?

Into the Groove 6/10

Madonna, I'm going to tell you right now that your vocal effects are annoying so that you won't make these same mistakes in the '90s and '00s. OK too late. This was an OK release included in the UK version of Material Girl. The melody is better than she usually makes it, but everything is still bland more or less. The problem with this track as it appears here is it's overextended for eight minutes, and they fill the time with annoying drum fills and some annoying vocal effects that don't seem to fit. But even worse than that is another piano solo from a session musician who obviously has no clue what he/she is doing. What a horrid monstrosity.

Where's the Party 6/10

Yet nother overextended track that I wasn't too wild about originally. The way they extend the track is pretty awful. Those vocals at the beginning are poorly construed. To beat the dead horse further, nothing about this track is catchy to me. It makes me think even Madonna can't tell the difference between something that's catchy and something that isn't. (Or maybe there's something messed up with *me* considering I seem to be a loner in all this Madonna-bashing that I do... Well, I'll continue doing that! So there!!)

Eh, I don't care what you have to say to me about this review here.