The Eversuck
Overall Album Score: 3.3 out of 10 It didn't occur to me when I wrote the review of Destination: Beautiful. But Mae is being marketed as a Christian-rock band! ... This goes to prove my developing theory that Christian bands are just talentless people who couldn't make it as real musicians. At this point in my life, I've only seen about 15 episodes of South Park (...yeah... I'm not a South Park junkie ... part of the reason is because I only enjoyed about six or seven of those episodes, but that's a different topic altogether). But as it just so happens, one of the episodes that I did see was one where Cartman starts a Christian rock band because that's the only way they're going to make money. And it's true! Mae is a real-life embodiment of that South Park episode! ... These songs aren't Christian at all! In fact, this is even less Christian than Cartman's band, because I have *not* heard mention of God or Jesus ... or any particularly religious topic in here. Yet, here they are. An alleged Christian group. ...It's such a wise business strategy to market yourselves as a Christian-rock band. Teenagers and teenieboppers whose parents are stupid enough to not let them listen to real music (or at least they deny their kids the best that naughties pop has to offer anyone) only allow their poor, deprived kids to purchase Christian CDs. So, here's a *huge* market for a band. All teenagers who spend their parents' money and are easily manipulated into marketing tricks. ... And it's not like I have anything against Christian CDs in principle. (Hey! I am a Christian.) I just dislike about 95 percent of everything Christian rock that I ever heard. Christian-rock is absolutely unambitious ... shows naught an ounce of emotion (despite the fact that they allegedly love God with every ounce of their being ... realistically speaking, they should be among the most emotional and passionate musicians in the business) ... and the songs are remarkably shallow despite the subject matter. Now that I ripped-up Christian rock, now I'm going to proceed to rip-up an even more significantly AWFUL piece of depravity that I've ever had to face in my days as a music reviewer: Mae's The Everglow. Again, the album-cover is nice. It gives me a rather pleasant pre-conceived notion of the music ... it makes me think I'm going to enjoy it. It seems simple, quaint, lovely, yet rich with melody and wonder. ... Unfortunately, this music is just the opposite. It starts out with an unrelentingly cheesy piano-loop and a woman's voice who urges the listener to take out the album booklet and look at it (and it ends with even more horrible dialogue in which the lady says "I hope you enjoyed your journey." ... AS IF!!!! ... Oh, and the music inside is pretty much atrocious reaching an all-time low with the absolutely toneless grunge-fied "Someone Else's Arm." This is supposed to be the big hit/single from the album, but it's totally unlistenable! ... Why on earth did the recording company let alone let this band on their label, but ... MARKET THEM???? ... THEY WRITE CRAPPY SONGS!!!! ... At least that terrible lead singer should have been the dead giveaway. ... I don't even think anyone from that label actually listened to this band. Market them as a Christian-rock group, polish their songs up as much as possible, and gullible 10-year-olds will come a-flocking. "The Ocean" is a surprising strong-ish song ... a nice, refreshing song in a drought. Gosssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, DO NOT BUY THIS ALBUM! ... IF YOU HAVE, DON'T LISTEN TO IT!!!! TAKE A HAMMER AND SMASH IT UP!!!! ... IF YOU HAVE ALREADY LISTENED TO IT, PUT ON A RAMONES ALBUM, AND PLAY IT REALLY LOUD! THAT'LL KNOCK EVERY PIECE OF BULLCRAP MAE TRIED TO FEED YOU RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM! ... IF YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THIS ALBUM, THEN I SUGGEST CHECKING YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL ASAP. THERE'S LITTLE MEDICAL SCIENCE CAN DO FOR YOU AT THIS POINT, BUT AT LEAST WE CAN HOPE! ... all we can do is hope ... Overall Album Score: 3.3 out of 10 (Head-over-heels worse than the last album, even! The Everglow contains bad songwriting, remarkably atrocious instrument-playing, and a lead singer who ought to never step foot in a recording studio ever again. Avoid this band at all costs.) Average Song Score: 3.9 (A very spotty album. One song was a clear 8 ... another one was so sodding awful that I gave it a 0.5. I suspect that they don't know what they're doing.) Album Tilt: 3.0 (Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long!! The dialogue at the beginning and end of the album makes it even worse ... This album is almost remarkably bad.) Artist Rating: 3.0 (They shouldn't be allowed to cut albums.) Track Reviews Prologue 4/10 You know your album is in deep crap when it opens with this sickeningly sweet piano loop starts playing and a cheesy "fairly-tale-female" voice comes on and tells you to open some sort of booklet that came with the CD. Well, I'm reviewing this on Rhapsody, and I don't have no steekin' booklet ... AND EVEN IF I DID, I WOULDN'T OPEN IT, BECAUSE I AM TOO BUSY THROWING UP AT THAT PIANO LOOP TO KEEP MY HANDS STEADY ENOUGH TO TURN THE PAGES!!!!!! ... And then it says: "Thank you, and enjoy your journey." SHUT UP, FAIRY-WOMAN!!! YOU STUPID CHEEKY JERKETTE!!! ... The best aspect of this song: The crappy Mae lead singer doesn't sing on it. We're So Far Away 5/10 OooooooooOOOoooooooooooooo!!! There comes that voice again that I sooooooo loathed from that debut. Listening to this song is like opening old wounds. OUCH!!! QUIT IT!!! STOP SINGING!!!! Worst of all, the song is mostly just Mr. Crap Voice and the Piano. ... And then some stupid cheesy, posh instrumentals in the background strike up ... which are nice, because they sort of drown out the voice! ... This seriously would have been a nice song if not for the voice. It's kind of pretty. The melody is cheesy and reminiscent of a bad musical, but ... it's pleasant and stuff. Someone Else's Arm 0.5/10 An utterly nauseating song that makes me wonder: Why am I not slitting my throat? That would be less painful. ... The instrumentation now is totally crap, again, as Mae takes us into a "journey" into the most utterly generic 00s pop-rock music that makes The Backstreet Boys sound so awesome. The melody hasn't a hook lurking in its entire being. This is just toneless crap. And you have to sit through five minutes of it. These guys I'm sure are nice people, but they should do something else. I'm sure they have some sort of talent somewhere ... I just know it's not music. This is the epitome of crap, and I want to sue something. Suspension 5/10 Okay ... This song isn't bad somewhat. The chorus is ... *barely* listenable (and it's lush enough to drown out the crappiest singing I've ever had the misfortune of listening to ... Yes, I've listened to William Hung ... At least that guy is *mental*!!). Precisely one minute of this four-minute generic pop song is catchy and listenable. ... I guess that's enough to warrant a 5/10. This is the Countdown 6/10 Generic-pop but with a not-nauseating melody. The instrumentation went to heck in a handcart ... and the singing was there to begin with ... but ... maybe about a third of this song is listenable. ... Um ... I'll give this a 6/10. (I know it's not proportionate to "Suspension," but ... these track scores are all honest-gut-reactions anyway.) Painless 3/10 Geez!! Can't you guys be supermarket clerks, or something? There is an extreme lack of decent, strong individuals who would be willing to carry grocery bags out to ailing old women to their cars! QUIT MAKING SONGS!!! NOW!!! FILL OUT SOME APPS!!! I hear Target is hiring. ... Maybe about a fifth of this song is good. Certainly, they're able to obtain decent musical ideas, but ... they're probably accidents. This is more utter drivel from this crappy, crappy band. I might even be able to get you jobs in graphic design or something. Really. Just for you. ... You can sell your instruments on ebay for a good price. ... You're not really making good use of them. The Ocean 8/10 Hey!!!! This song is listenable! The chorus is pretty hooky! Nevertheless, this song is musically pretty good. The instrumentation is wisely overproduced enough to drown out the voice, and ... this is pretty lucid and hooky throughout all of the song. And now, an excerpt of lyric from the ever-wise Mae: "I need you here tonight/just like the ocean needs the waves." Breakdown 4/10 Eh, they're being crappy again. The beat doesn't fit the song (...yeah, they're CRAPPY instrumentalists ... if you don't notice this immediately about Mae, then you don't listen to enough music.) The melody is NOTHING and repeats *a lot*. ... Mae can go suck a couple eggs and then ask someone to give them jobs they're good at. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making 1/10 Well, at least they're finally coming clean and admitting that Destination: Beautiful and The Everglow were both mistakes! This song is one of the most significant mistakes in their hopefully short career. The instrumentation is absolutely irritating here and the melody is toneless ... And the singing is crap, again. They should kidnap William Shatner to sing these songs. At least he's FUN. Cover Me 2.5/10 Nobody wants to cover you, talentless freaks. Your songwriting is SUCK! ... This song has got *something* in its chorus ... but that doesn't really help the rest of this clumsy, crappy song. ... This is another totally irritating song. I'm going to go remove my toenails with a razorblade now. Might as well do something relatively constructive. The Everglow 6/10 STOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! ... Okay, I'll admit the melody is better than some of the other songs in here (but lacks good hooks). The production is nice (for what it was trying to do ... i.e. appeal to teenagers who waste their parents' money on crap), but was misguided. ... The singing is up to its crappy norm, but it was drowned out, thank goodness. The song still sucks and is boring. Ready and Waiting to Fall 5/10 More stupid instrumentation, worse singing ... while one part of this song was done nicely. But that's, like, only one-fourth of this song that's adequate. The rest of it is relatively listenable. This band really is horrible. ... Lemmings like Mae. If you bought anything by Mae, you have invested in the epitome of crap. Anything 2/10 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ...one-fifth of this song is nice. The rest is more toneless and more crap than ... listening to a red brick sing its rendition of "Sister Ray" by The Velvet Underground. The Sun and the Moon 3/10 The *************LAST************** thing we needed was 7-minute song by Mae. It's an utterly plodding and toneless piece of crap that disgraces every piano that was ever built. ... I wasn't even paying attention to it! (I wrote most of the album introduction instead of writing this track review! Aren't I clever?) Epilogue 3/10 There's that stupid piano-loop again! ... And that dumb fairy woman has the gall to say: "I hope you enjoyed your journey." ... Even the dialogue by stupid fairy women are generic here. ... GEEZ, I HATE THIS BAND!!!!!!!!!!! ... Seriously. They suck. ... People who like Mae: Listen to real music! Defy your parents and go buy a Flaming Lips album! Recommendation: The Soft Bulletin. It's completely non-generic ... the album's subject matter is not at all offensive ... and, for all you losers who like Mae's singing, The Flaming Lips' lead singer ain't no picnic in the park, either. ... Or better yet, get a Beatles album. Start establishing some foundation. ... For crying out loud ... Oh, the crapppp this album was. Send me your thoughts about that here! tper18@lycos.com (Spencer) received Aug. 9, 2005 I am sorry, but I can not agree with you on your rating of "The Everglow" by Mae. I was not introduced to Mae until April of 2005 and since then, I can't put away the cd. I'm sorry, but I can't. I attended a wedding last Friday. The groom constructed a slide show of pictures from each of the two's lives. The slide show was played to the sound of Mae's "We're So Far Away" and it was absolutely the most beautiful thing I had ever heard and seen at the same time. I agree with you on the fact that, no, Mae is not representing themselves well as a Christian rock band with their lack of mentioning anything about Christ or Christianity. But does that make them not a Christian band? Can Christians create music for the sole purpose of musicianship. You may feel as though this cd is poorly done, but I for one think the music is great. I agree that the Prologue and the Epilogue are kind of cheesy, but the music in-between is not "crappy" as you suggest. Not to me! . The piano in "We're So Far Away" is so beautiful. It's so melodic and clean. It just makes me feel good about myself when I listen. It makes me want to actually know how to play the piano. I am actually up right now at 3:15 a.m. for the sole purpose of finding the piano charts to this song, so I can try and pick it up. I came across this and was in shock to your ratings and comments. I'm sorry that you feel this way, but I understand. I am a music lover. I did not grow up on Christian music, so I agree with you when you say that Christian rock is horrible. But this cd has become my summer favorite. I'm sorry you are not hearing the same thing that I am. Despite our differing opinions of this cd, I hope that your music ventures in the future will bring you much joy and appriciate for the music. Whether it happens to be Christian rock or not. almanley@presby.edu (andrew manley) received Aug. 13, 2005 ok, i see how one could not like mae if you have a certain taste, but i don't see how one can competely dismiss it, i personally think it's brilliantly pieced together, but more important than your thoughts on mae is what you said about christian music, how can you say it's not emotional? try out relient k's "mmhmm", david crowder band's "can you hear us?", copeland's "beneath medicine tree" , or shawn macdonald's "live in seattle", that and if it's so bad and blah why would non-christian music entities want them, relient k was on trl, and makes no cover for being christians, mae and relient k are on the warped tour, copeland is signed on with the militia group, your thoughts on the emerging christian music scene are completely misaligned with everything i've experienced. eelhsa@bellsouth.net (Ashlee) received Sept. 10, 2005 1) someone needs Jesus
ashlee. <3 -|-- eelhsa@bellsouth.net (Ashlee) received Sept. 10, 2005 Ashlee's friend who knows more about music then you ::: "Ashlee, that website just proves that people are idiots" Don Ignacio responds: Indeed, Ashlee. Continue to read. jrardin@radford.edu (John) received Sept. 15, 2005 I have to completely and utterly disagree with anyone who dislikes this band. True, it isn't exactly like typical bands out there; its an acquired taste. Everyone that I have shown this band to has had nothing but completely positive reactions to it. As a music major and member of the band, The Venus Transit, I have to definately disagree entirely with opinions stating that this band is without soul, feeling, or logical structure. Each Song has its own unique portrait painted vivid enough to distinctively feel what the artist has captured, which is what musicians do, in a nut-shell. It may not be the exact emotion that everyone would like to feel, but I believe it is worthwhile to listen to. You and I are not capable of creating such a vivid creation, so why can't we all appreciate it too? cream_soda_rocks@hotmail.com (Sam) received Sept. 19, 2005 This is personally one of my FAVOURITE albums..And just because the songs don't sound Christian doesn't mean they aren't..The Everglow..it represents HEAVEN! note- our hearts are on the everglow.. but whatever..I give this cd a 10/10. soulgangster69@hotmail.com (duffy) received Sept. 20, 2005 OMG how the hell can you say that their ablum "everglow" is
crap!!! u have no good music taste! this album isnt jus about music its
about a jorney of life! you have no idea what your tlking about! hahaha
u disgust me! every1 that i have tlked to about this band they say that
they have become one of there best bands! and iv told around 30people
and the've pased it on! haha u suck!
Don Ignacio responds: Woof, woof! soulgangster69@hotmail.com (duffy) received Sept. 20, 2005 just because they are a chritian band, that dont mean they HAVE to metiong God or Jesus! this album is about the journy of life and when he finds faith in christianity his live turns around! you have no idea what your talking about! i can garentee that your not a christian! loser! craterdevil@hotmail.com (cola_tab) received Sept. 20, 2005 How can you be so one sided and against Christian rock bands? what the hell is wrong with you, haha. Obviously you are not into the unique ability that Mae has amoung other new artists and have to linger on the dead remains of the Ramones. Get over it man, old school punk isn't worth listening to anymore. You're just another "follower to the crowd"... pretty soon, before you know it, you'll be hailing 80's music just because you're afraid to move on. Good day. Thom3588@charter.net (S Gentry) received Sept. 24, 2005 Hey, man, I felt like I should comment about your site after
reading this review. As a parody website, this is awesome. I really did
laugh as I read this review. The album you wrote about is really
amazing in the depth of emotion, feeling, and passion, and you damn it to
Hell. Well, with that fact in mind, I could not take your review
seriously. It is great how you "shred" the album to pieces. Absolutely
hilarious. The rest of your site is like that too. How about that piece about
your being a journalism major? I laughed at that especially. You might
have pulled it off if there weren't so many typographical and factual
errors, such as calling Mae a Christian band. Mae is vehemently non
religious; just read their message boards and see. But really, it is funny. I
also like how you openly admit you know very little about music, yet
persist to produce reviews that openly reflect the pop view of music:
that every melody has to be hook laden, creativity sucks, and musi!
c is for the listener. I, as a musician, realize that all of that is
wrong, and there is plenty of good music without those qualities. You
couldn't possibly understand that, though, since you neither make music
nor know music. So, here's a question for you: why music? You seemingly
don't take it seriously, so I assume you don't really care that much
about music. Why not food? Yeah, food would be good for you; you could
even spend your time eating fast food and telling us all how bad it it
(although, I wouldn't read your reviews because I already know the
atrocity of most convenience foods). And you're young, so you still have
plenty of taste buds and a high metabolism. Then, you could make an actual
difference in the world with your pervading pessimism. Now, don't
misunderstand me, I think you're funny, but music is not your thing. And one
last question, are you really a Christian? I am a Christian myself and
a music connoisseur, and I have found a vast amount of amazing Ch!
ristian music. Sufjan Stevens is my current point of intrigue in the w
orld of Christian music. He is amazingly creative and off the wall, but
it's not really "rock," nor is it pop, so you might have trouble
wrapping your mind around it.
dfghsdfh@yahoo.com (kaitlyn) received Oct. 26, 2005 It was awesome!! how can anyone not like this cd, it even came with a nifty little book to read along in, i can explain this cd in one word...UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!! u wont regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! buttoeachhhisown@aim.com (Linny) received Nov. 22, 2005 So basically, in my point of view, this album was fantastic. ..i realize that comments are opinions are well mine is that Mae did a great job on this album. -just sticking up for them and saying this album was phenominal- <3 the one and only Mae fan here. buttoeachhhisown@aim.com (Linny) received Nov. 22, 2005 you just claimed youre a true christian.... if so, i honestly dont think you would be sitting around saying that Mae "sucks" -hence your title "Eversuck" or stating that the album was a bunch of bullcrap. thanks. Don Ignacio responds: Thank you, Theologist Linny. noelleisaninja@gmail.com (noelle) received Nov. 25, 2005 i like the everglow.
jeebsmeow@excite.com (lue) received Jan. 4, 2006 Mae is the best band ever, they pretty much saved my life.. obviously you care about them so much to make a web page about them.. You have too thick of a skull to realize what a great piece of art they are. Thanks for letting me put my opinion down. This world is full enough of hate, why add to it? jeebsmeow@excite.com (lue) received Jan. 4, 2006 NO SOUL??? You have no soul if you are waisting your time writing all of this nonsense about Mae... Its one thing to state your opinion, but to totally demolish them, make them sound like osama bin laden.. They are an excellent band.. I do agree that The everglow isnt the best thing, but they really mean alot. I cannot believe you write this shit... Don Ignacio responds: You sure like to e-mail me. treypayne@email.com (trey) received March 8, 2006 first of all mae isnt your tipical (christian band) they
got signed for tooth and nail records (christian record label) for their
first cd which does have christian lyrics in them. the everglow is
their second album which is a story about a boy and a girl. they stay
on topic with their story and God isnt in the story. Mae is a bunch of
christian guys currently playing secular music. if a dentist is a
christian that doesnt mean he talks about God at work. and.. did you
really hate the everglow or christians? i could tell that you hate
us quite a bit. well i appologize for the christians that have made
you have this opinion. we may be hipocrites (never had to spell that
one) but we know our wrongs and there is little we can do about it. all
we can do is try
thank you for your time
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All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He's a hippity fairy hopping in the woodlands.
