Melissa Ethics Committee

Overall Album Score: 5.8 out of 10

Everybody loves Melissa Etheridge. She's one of our most beloved contemporary singer-songwriters. She's also one of the predominent Hollywood forces in left-wing politics. (OK, so I guess Republicans don't love Melissa Etheridge, but they're worse because they like Toby Keith.) She has an extremely powerful voice that's especially suited for her brand of loud and "expressionate" alternative-rock. She sings with as much verve and passion as the bowel movement she's trying to achieve on the album cover.

Despite all that, Melissa Etheridge is soooooo boring. Give her credit for that wailing voice of hers, but she doesn't put it to good use. At least in this debut, her songwriting and creative talents are completely worthless. I sit through this album and wait for her to do something interesting, but I'm afraid my efforts were in vein. What a freaking frustrating album! There's nothing in here that can even constitute a highlight. It's all either mediocre or bad.

This is particularly bad news since I can't think of too many albums that are mildly respectable that can get a score less than a 6.0. I mean, there's Kiss' and Michael Bolton, but they suck on purpose. Etheridge seems to genuinely want to be a singer-songwriter, but she has zero ideas.

I like a few of the songs that she would do in the '90s, but she honestly comes off as one of those singer-songwriters who's more interested in making money and being a public lesbian than actually being a musician. Etheridge and her record company would venemously disagree with that of course, and then they'll go cash in the latest royalty check and make plans for remodelling that $5 million mansion.

It's true that Etheridge has her legion of fans, and I fully expect to get spirited e-mails from a few of them. Etheridge likes her fans, too, because they pay ungodly amounts of money to go to her concerts! (Not that I was actually looking into going to a Melissa Etheridge concert. I can sleep at home!! I looked up the ticket prices, though, and I've never made that much in a week!)

Anyway, there's absolutely nothing in this album. Who knows why this went multi-platinum. I guess people also buy Twinkies. You'd think she'd at least be able to come up with one memorable hit here, but I guess that would mean actually making an effort!

Overall Album Score: 5.8 out of 10 (Not such a great start for our beloved Melissa Etheridge. This album is an inconsistent snoozefest. There's not even the presence of a great single to make this worthwhile even a smidgeon.)

Average Song Score: 6.3 (It's time for songwriting school, young missy.)

Album Tilt: 5.5 (This isn't just trite and boring, it's inconsistent.)

Artist Rating: 5.5 (It's banal and everything seems like filler. I would mildy write-off this artist rating as a 6.0, but "Occassionally" is an unimaginible lapse of taste.)

Track Reviews

Similar Features 7/10

Features very convicting singing proving that Etheridge wanted to show-off her voice more than anything. It's powerful and loud, but nothing about it is too pleasant. She's certainly confident, though, and it sounds like she wishes that she were actually emotionally resonant. The melody should have been much catchier considering this was allegedly meant to be radio-pop. The instrumentation is generic but for 1988, but the good news is that it could have been a lot worse.

Chrome Plated Heart 7/10

This sounds less like it was meant to be a single. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that it's so great. It's probably filler material, but the previous track seemed so much like filler material that it's difficult to make that distinction! Well, Melissa Etheridge isn't a talented songwriter --- Go freaking figure. Etheridge's gives that pseudo-passionate vocal performance to good effect.

Like the Way I Do 7.5/10

Oh yeah! Bring on the loud '80s snare drums! It's the law that every power-pop song from the era had to include those. Why? It's probably the communist conspiracy --- The USSR's one last attack on the West before they decided to break into Democracy. Let's talk about this song. It starts out kind of boring, but then it picks up some steam thanks to Etheridge's vocals. It's a shame that the melody wasn't better written, because this puts me to sleep even though Etheridge sounds like she's in the middle of another glorious bowel movement. This song would have been an 8 or so if it weren't so long --- well past five minutes. I would have axed a minute off the introduction and that meaningless instrumental interlude at the end. Then you'd have a nice little pop song!

Precious Pain 6/10

Oh god, it's a ballad. Etheridge sounds much more adult-contemporaryish as ever. She comes off as bad (or worse) than her male counterpart Rod Stewart does when she does this. This song is really boring. The melody is only so-so, the instrumentation is cheap and reminds me too much of "Dust in the Wind." This must be boring, because I think the Kansas song is so much better!

Don't You Need 7/10

This one starts out boring-like with a dull melody (and she starts the song by saying "I had a dream late last night" ... OK, I'm going to go back to not paying attention to her lyrics again.) It finally picks up a minutes into it. It has nice enough intertia, and you get enough of a joy at hearing the very mild hooks in the melody. This is a boring song. Nothing to note.

The Late September Dogs 5/10

Here's all the proof you needed that Melissa Etheridge boring. This is six minutes long, and it doesn't do anything. I say this knowing perfectly well that she undergoes these "rabble rousing" choruses, but they're so hopelessly dull that she had might as well have just recorded ocean waves. In fact I would have preferred that greatly! Ocean waves are beautiful and soothing. The only thing going for "The Late September Dogs" is that it's not irritating ... you can think about world politics or something while you're listening to this.

Occasionally 4.5/10

She's so pretentious that she thinks she can get away with an a cappella song (and a bongo drum). The only thing she proved was that she can get quite a bit more boring than even "Late September Dogs." Thankfully her pretentiousness didn't extend far enough to make this longer than three minutes.

Watching You 5/10

This song is more boring than all the others combined. Maybe I'm only thinking that because boringness tends to propogate itself, but ... holy crap. If you think you can handle Etheridge singing a toneless song to an acoustic guitar for five minutes straight, then all the more power to you. You deserve to waste your weekly paycheck on one of her worthless concerts.

Bring Me Some Water 6.5/10

Yeah, she needs water, because she's so thirsty for melody. Or maybe I need water, because I'm so thirsty for entertainment! One thing she did right here was to finally deliver a rock song. One thing she did wrong was be boring anyway.

I Want You 7.5/10

Here is a trite rocker, and Etheridge gives her best Rod Stewart impersonation! This is a banal hard-rock song, but it's probably the best song here. The bland riff has nice enough of a rhythm. I'm honestly trying to force myself to like it just like Etheridge is trying to force that bowel movement on the album cover, but nothing's coming out.

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