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Overall Album Score: 2.5 out of 10

To celebrate Paris Hilton going to jail, I decided to torture myself. I whipped myself on the back 30 times with a leather belt, I hammered a rusty nail through my skull, I smashed my knuckles with a sledge hammer and I stubbed my toe on the coffee table. For the grand finale of this painfest, I decided to review her debut album. And I believe this album can be summed up in one word: Gneeuuh!!!

OK, I'll describe that in layman's terms: THIS ALBUM SUCKS!!! Paris Hilton is RICH, and it's more important than anything for her to live a glamourous life. What's more glamourous than being a pop star? Hilton is famous for no reason, so maybe being a pop star would finally make her legitimate. She can't sing, but oh well. She has money, and she can afford fancy studio equipment. Now, what sort of songs should be on here? ... Oh the nauseating, self-absorbed ones would be fine. It really doesn't matter what "songs" they are, as such. Honestly, I don't know why pop albums should even need "songs." They do tend to get in the way...

This album is certainly unique. There's only one song that's even vaguely tolerable, and that's her pop-hit "Stars Are Blind." Honestly, if I were to hear it without having the rest of this album to compare it to, I would hate it. Considering it's the only track on here with a real melody, you're kind of forced to appreciate it.

The weakest link of the album is not so much the music itself, but Hilton's voice. She's no so much singing, but tunefully sighing. There's a certain context in which this singing style works, but not with these wannabe Britney Spears stylings. Geez, this is a difficult album to sit through. This album is so notoriously bad that they sent her to jail for it! ... Or maybe that was for drunk driving. As far as I'm concerned, justice was carried out.

Overall Album Score: 2.5 out of 10 (Hey look! Paris almost reached the bare bottom of my rating system! Maybe Paris should find another hobby like tightrope walking. She'd fit in better with the circus, at least...)

Average Song Score: 3.6 (Yeah, these are "songs." Um...)

Album Tilt: 2.0 (This is taxing. Really horrible.)

Artist Rating: 2.0 (...)

Track Reviews

Turn it Up 4/10

She must have been wanting to write the soundtrack for her famous sex video. She opens the track with creepy sex sounds. I wish that I could report this opening song was enjoyable even on a base level, but this is just a confused mess. There's definitely a place in the world for TRASH--- Look at how many people like watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show! No, I'm not belittling fans of that movie at all. That film is 100 percent trash, but at least it's TRASHY TRASH. This song is worthless, clunky and awkward, and whoever wrote it is an idiot.

Fightin' Over Me 0minus/10

This *much* worse than the previous song, and you wonder how that's even possible. Well, I'm still living and breathing, aren't I?! I wish I wasn't. Oh GOD.... Paris Hilton is endlessly singing "I'm so so so sexy," and that has a really creepy quality to it. It reminds me of Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard. Well I successfully sat through this sucksessful song three times, and I had enough of it. Not only are the self-absorbed lyrics awful, but the MUSIC is even worse. It's a rap song, and I don't have any difficulty imaginging a random 10-year-old writing a better piano riff than that piece of crap. I mean, this is just inconceivably stupid. I feel like complete scum for listening to this.

Stars Are Blind 7/10, what? A hit song that actually has a nice melody? UB40 is suing Hilton for copyright infrigement because of similarities to their 1989 song "Kingston Town." I can tell you that it's not just similar but the exact same freaking thing. I'd imagine that Hilton would want to settle out of court for this one, because she's going to lose so bad that her head will spin. (Well, it probably spins anyway, 'cos she's evil.) Anyway, I think most of us knows about this song. I'm ignoring the self-absorbed lyrics only because I want to concentrate on this "hot" (i.e., "stolen") melody. It's a shame that Hilton can't purchase a nicer voice. She's really not even singing ... ANNOYING.

I Want You 5/10

Here she rips off every single funk-disco artist. I doubt anyone would sue over this, though, because I don't think anyone wants to claim that their creative output was partially responsible for this monstrosity. Naturally, the worst thing about this song is the lack of melody. The production is rather bare (probably because they couldn't think of anything worthwhile). Appropriately, they mixed police sirens in the background.

Jealousy 6/10

This one's vaguely tolerable. Well relatively speaking. This is effectively the album's second best song ... by a landslide, actually. It opens with some bland violins, and it rather abruptly turns into a slick pop song. That bass riff is listenable for about 10 seconds. Of course, the riff repeats so much that it ends up driving me NUTS by the end. There's a little bit of value in that somewhat grunge-fied chorus. Really this song is horrible. If you know what's best for you don't listen to the lyrics. Actually don't listen to the song. It's a real shame nobody had any idea what they were doing. It's never been so painfully obvious than it is now that money can't purchase talent.

Fartbeat 4/10

For once, Hilton delivers a song that isn't obnoxious. It's just boring. ...It's a ballad with a lot of synthesizers. (OK, was the double-entendre intended? "My heart beats like a drum/when I hear you come.")

Nothing in This World 4/10

I'm going to make a vague attempt to be constructive, but I have the feeling that Hilton won't even take an ounce of my advice. Dear Paris, you have all the money in the world; hire real songwriters! Britney Spears doesn't constitute the songwriting standard. Real songs have hooks. You should know that, since you're such a UB40 fan.

Screwed 4.5/10

I'm giving this a score higher than it probably deserves, because the chorus has a nice flow. Otherwise, this is an intolerable song without any redeeming qualities. I'd rather hear Hilton recording one of her bowel movements. At least it would be truer to life.

Not Leaving You 2/10

Uh oh, she's *not* leaving is she? Freaking get away from me, you rich [female hound]!! I don't want to play with you anymore!!! Oh no, when she has her eye on something, it's like "search and destroy." Paris won't rest until she corrupts the whole world. This song is worse than usual. This "dance" song makes me want to dance .............. to my sweet death.

Turn You On 1/10

Hilton must be really insecure. Again, she's endlessly repeating variations of "I'm sexy." She's going to spend the rest of her life in a mental ward.

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy 4/10

Uh, no actually. This is a cover of the Rod Stewart song. Stewart was being tongue-in-cheek (just look at his hilllllarious album cover), but we've all been made painfully aware that Hilton is dead serious about her self-perceived sexiness. It's certainly worth noting that the question mark on the song title is inconspicuously absent. This is really a weak cover version. The original song wasn't that good, but it worked thanks to Stewart's brand of charm. Hilton doesn't have an ounce of charm or charisma, so the result is an annoying song that doesn't work.

Fondle yourself and then send me your thoughts about this retard here!

All reviews are copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. HE CAN GROOVE LIKE A BABY!!!!!!!