Goooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! This page isn't worth hanging around anyway. Mer De Noms is French For "This Album is Really Really Bad" Overall Album Score: 2.2 out of 10 Wow! I never thought that heavy metal could be so excruciatingly boring! I always thought that 90 percent of it was stupid ... but I never thought I'd ever be bored through it. As of the moment, this is easily the worst album I've ever reviewed since ABBA's Ring Ring, which I didn't only trash, but I TRAYSHED! Man! I know there's got to be better 2000s heavy metal albums out there. I just know it! I sorta cheated and reviewed A Perfect Circle's follow-up album The Thirteen Step before going back and reviewing their debut (...so sorry if I introduced the band there as opposed to here...). Well, their follow-up album is so much better that I probably would have given it a much higher score than that 5.5. A Perfect Circle (headed by Maynard James Keenan, formerly of Tool) cannot write a decent melody to save their lives. They come fairly close on their follow-up album a few times. But at least on Mer De Noms, the only thing that ever hints at a melody is by the off-chance that an ice cream truck would pass outside your home while you've got this album playing. Their melodic talents are so feeble that they don't even appear to try. Now, given that they are decent instrument players. I'll give them that one right off. Even Josh Freese, the drummer, doesn't suck. (He was simply awful on their follow-up. I don't know what happened.) But good instrumentalists or not, they're awful arrangers! Good arranging might have saved some of these non-existent melodies. However, I do sense some sort of attempt at creative arranging. For example, at several points, I hear some strange violins that end a track. While I haven't heard violins of this sort end a track before, these violins are just sort of there. They are directionless, emotionless ... and the atmosphere they might add is utterly ignorable. That said, on their follow-up album, they do a much better job at all of this, except the drumming really sucks on that one. What kept The Thirteenth Step from failing is actually the strange diversity it has! While Mer De Noms has some diversity, it's not enough to really mean anything. The songs are so bad, really, that I don't even notice diversity unless I am paying very close attention. ...Oh! This is such a feeble album on so many levels. And that all wasn't to mention that this is your typical post-grunge, commercial album! This is the kind of album that I, as a music reviewer, wish I never elected myself to review. If you actually considering this album, please proceed with extreme caution! (I can't believe it when I read all the positive reviews of this album on Epinions.com and Amazon.com! I suppose either I'm stupid or the whole world is stupid.) Overall Album Score: 2.2 out of 10 (This is one of the worst albums I've ever listened to. Fortunately, the follow-up album The Thirteenth Step is much improved. So when they die, I probably won't have to dance on their graves.) Average Song Score: 3.0 (This album starts out bad ... and ends up worse. This is a simply awful set of tunes.) Album Tilt: 2.0 (Specifically when I'm listening to the final half of this album, I usually feel like I'd rather be drinking poison.) Artist Rating: 1.5 (Dribble.) Track Reviews The Hollow 5/10 Right from the beginning, this utterly dull song is already enough to drive me crazy. It relies entirely on noise and very little on melody. The distorted electric guitars are present in this track simply because every other band who proclaim themselves to be 'alt-metal' do the same thing. Somewhere in the middle, we get an odd and quiet acoustic part. It's as if it was the eye of a hurricane. Magdalena 5/10 Well, at least this one doesn't start off obnoxiously! Of course, this would-be atmospheric song has absolutely nothing for me to enjoy (the alleged attempt at creating an atmospheric song failed entirely and there are no melodic hooks to speak of). That said, I'm giving this one a five because I don't venomously hate this track like I hate so many other tracks from this album. Rose 4/10 Eerie! If that stupid distorted guitar didn't come in and ruin the nearly-beautiful eerie atmosphere during the first five seconds, this might have just been a memorable song. As it stands, this is a nauseous, ugly song, which just proves that these guys are very feeble. (You don't have to have nauseous instruments to create an ugly song, ya know!) Judith 4.5/10 Well, "Rose" might not have been typical ... I would give it that. But "Judith" is very typical music for the early 00s. It's also extremely boring. (It also shows a severe misunderstanding of Christianity.) The listening-experience here, while it's awful, isn't excruciatingly painful. Orestes 6/10 Well ... this one doesn't sound that awful. Any quality in the melody is utterly negligible ... but at least it doesn't scream my ear off or make me want to vomit. It's boring, however. 3 Libras 4/10 This one has the same benefits and drawbacks of "Orestes." It doesn't scream my head off and doesn't particularly inspire me to loose my cookies ... rather this slow song is so utterly dull and hookless that I basically want to bang my head against a brick wall until it starts to bleed. Man! Why did I ever start reviewing this band? They suck! Sleeping Beauty 1/10 Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn! If they would just SHUT OFF THOSE STUPID ELECTRIC GUITARS THEN MAYBE I COULD GET SOME SLEEP! This track isn't really that loud; it's just danged obnoxious and really has no artistic quality whatsoever. Awful, awful dreck. I'm now pounding my head against that brick wall until my brains start oozing out. (Crap ... my brain must be getting some sort of damage by listening to this.) I'm going to need some serious Beatles treatment after listening to this pig's garbage! Thomas 0/10 The song starts out quiet and peaceful ... and then YUCK! I'm now thinking that these guys are even worse than early KISS. I never gave Kiss a zero for one of their songs. "Thomas" by A Perfect Circle is more crappy than Kiss ever dreamed of! (And you know that it's got to be awful, then.) I'm not even going to finish listening to this song. I'm going to skip to the next awful track. Renholder 3/10 Whew! I thought I was going to have to commit suicide again (like I did when I reviewed ABBA's Ring Ring). It's still really awful and stupid, but when you compare this Eastern-sounding atmospheric track to the previous one, mathematically, it is infinitely better! Thinking of You 1/10 NOT!!!!! If you were thinking of me, you would write songs that are not STUPID! This is a surprisingly poppy song with some would-be clever arranging. Man ... these guys are awful songwriters! There's not a hook in sight! It's a terribly obnoxious and tedious song. Brena 3/10 OOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I give up. Trash. Over 0/10 The subtitle to this song should read: "Thank Goodness It's" This song is so pointless! It utilizes a piano, xylophone and a vocal, and it proves once and for all that A Perfect Circle are a band full of douche bags. The only reason I'm refraining from giving this song a 0minus is because this album has taken enough of a beating. Is this album crappy or what? Agree with me or die! If you want, you can e-mail me here! satanlovezyou@hotmail.com (Rhys) Received Jan. 26, 2004 Hmmm, i think you must have listened to the wrong album. EVERY other review i have read, be it in a magazine or online, has stated that Mer De Noms is a phenomenal album, and it was in rolling stone's top 50 albums, so its obviously an album appreciated by A LOT of people. Also, in its first week of release it sold 200,000 copies, the highest first week sales of a rock album, AND it debuted at number 4 in the american album charts. You are entitled to your opinion, except if its wrong, and in this case, its VERY wrong. Don Ignacio responds: I do realize that I am in a large minority here. (In fact a very large minority ...) And, when I originally found out that I was one of the very few people (much less, one of the very few critics) who absolutely finds Mer De Noms unbearable, I was rather surprised! Nevertheless, I do welcome the arguement (even though you didn't bring it up) that I've just jumped into it without listening to a vast array of similar albums, and there is a good chance that I might decide later that I've underrated this. Nevertheless, I still think Mer De Noms is completely awful. But, 'death metal' or 'alt metal' or whatever you call this genre is not "my music." pops@hotmail.com received Sept. 21, 2004 you are one of the stupidest mother fucker in the world. your are crazy for saying that you will dance on there graves. i would like to comment that when you die i will piss on your grave. PIG FUCKER dylan_arthur@hotmail.com (dazza_wul) received Dec. 25, 2004 Dude. how shallow are you, all of maynards work, wether it be Tool or APC, has a meaning somewhere, you just gotta find it, He's always been about the emotional message, all the songs are just brilliantly executed, you just have to open up to them, feel them, then you can get the full effect of the, but yes, I have to agree with you that the album was poorly arranged. Oddly enough, Rose is about christianity, but it follows the more gnostic beleif, that mary magdelene the prostitute wasnt, and was goin out with jesus, so that might also explain the song magdelena, well whatever, thats my opinion. www.partofmeisnumb@yahoo.com (rieze) received Jan. 20, 2005 sorry man i guess u did nt really understand the music they were saying...but i like the way u say ur review ur strait to the point but i guees u dont like rock and for me the lyrics is the main thing in music and their lyrics is good but i agree in one thing.......sleeping beauty....yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn (lol) bye thanks for ur comment and please comment also on imagine their version dan3788@yahoo.com (Dan) received Feb. 12, 2005 wow your the biggest conceded fuck ive ever seen. its not maynards fault that your a pathetic asshole and cant understand that these songs are deeply rooted in religious allegory.Whats that bull shit you were talkin about christianity? Learn your shit. Maynard grew up a christian. His mother was named Judith. That song had nothing to do with whatever bull shit idea you came up with. And although you seem to think you know what your talking about I just thought I'd let you know that you have no friggin clue what your saying. It's ironic that Maynard and Tool constantly sing about fucks like you that only see things on the surface and try not to look at them with an open mind. If you want blunt and to the point songs go listen to that Eminem whinny shit or Simple Plans fag musik. "we are eternal all this pain is an illusion" Gealach_Oiche@darksites.com (Luna) received Nov. 8, 2005 First of all dude, Mer de Noms is not a freak'n piece of crap ablum. Secondly how dare you say that they should turn off the electric for Sleeping Beatuy! The electric is what adds a better effect to the song as well, that includes the other songs. The way you insult their music you might as well insult bands such as the Deftones. Based on your stupid editorals on each song it clearly shows the net that you have no comperhencion for poetry,{including its chioce of words to make a statement}and not to mention the names meaning of the song.

All reviews are copyrighted by the author, Michael Lawrence. He takes his coffee green.