12 X 5 = the Diameter Mick Jagger's Lips in Feet

Overall Album Score: 7.7 out of 10

Man! After listening to an Aerosmith album I for some stupid reason was listening to, this early Stones music sounds pretty darn good! AEROSMITH BITES MY BIG BUTT!!!!! (...Just thought I'd tell you that...)

What we got here from the Rolling Stones, frankly, is quite a difficult mathematical equation. They ask you (feather dusters) this question: What is 12 times 5?

Well, if you get out your graphing calculator (or slide rule if you want to be like that) and punch in the numbers. What I come up with is 55.343940322. Unfortunately, I don't think my calculator was working properly, so I turned to a friend. He got an answer entirely different: 2. It was at this moment when I discovered that this question would prove more difficulty than I had imagined. So, I set out, in my best journalistic pose, and prepared to take a poll. Here's some of the results:

My neighbor Bill: 125
My brother: 007
My father: 28, but 29 on the leap year
Yoda: 56, says I
Mickey Mouse: 90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (I think he's close)
George Washington: My Plantation in Virginia
George W. Bush: The Texas Rangers

Hmmm... perhaps the world will never know! I personally think the answer lies in the diameter of Mick Jagger's opened lips in centimeters, but I could be wrong.

Any frikin' way, I probably ought to get onto this album review before I get shot. ... So I shall ... get on with this review ...

But first, a commercial break.

[int. fade in]

Commercial announcer selling crappy-looking cars: [Smug face] I would like to grace your knowledge with what's the finest automob-[gun shot] announcer dies,

So, this is the second album of the Rolling Stones's vast career and it's a very strong one indeedy! Mind you, they're not quite up to what their major competitors, The Beatles, were doing at the same time, but that hardly matters. This is the Rolling Stones! They're awesome! Wooooooo!!!!

Much like the Stones's last album England's Newest Hitmakers, this is a straight down-n-dirty rock album. There are a lot of old covers on here, but they were fortunately able to write some more of their own work! Whereas, in the last album there was only one original, "Tell Me," this one has four. However, the original Stones compositions aren't quite up to their rollicking covers! ... I guess that's one of this album's major downfalls. Even though, it's still a pretty frikininin good album.

Okay... enough of that boody.

Overall Album Score: 7.7 out of 10 (Some pretty crappy songs ... that the Stones wrote ... amidst some super-fine covers. Um. Cool.)

Song Score Average: 8.1 (Pretty good songs, I say. Not perfect, of course.)

Album Tilt: 7.5 (IN CON SIS T ANT! ... But that's mostly due to the Stones' writing original songs and then abandoning them like they were an ugly baby.)

Artist Tilt: 7.5 (These guys are still young yet! They do perform some really, really nice songs in here! Their four originals aren't very sponge-worthy, though)

Track Reviews

Around and Around 10/10

Yep! An excellent cover! Chuck Berry's never been so freaking awesome, and The Stones's whole legacy of being the meanest rockers of their time is STAMPED IN MY HEAD. It makes me want to hop around my room and stuff! It's *that* good!

Confessin' the Blues 9/10

Yet another solid cover ... AND I DON'T NORMALLY LIKE THE BLUES!!! Very straight (but masterfully performed) blues song with all the freshness you'd expect from the young Stones. Very very tasty, indeedy.

Empty Heart 8/10

Not nearly as interesting or as solid as those two previous tracks. Many bands still can't touch this freaking shizzit with a stick, though! The playing is well done. And ... THIS IS AN ORIGINAL!!! ... Um ... they're still new at this whole songwriting thing. They'll get better. I promise.

Time Is On My Side 10/10

Best song on the album!!!! And probably their most famous song on the album since I happen to know that they performed it on the Ed Sullyvan sheeeeeeow! (I saw it on an archive clip, so I know.) It's a pretty slow song, but it's darn good and the performance is absolutely impeccable! I think you'll like it, Saynor(a).

Good Times, Bad Times 6/10

ANOTHER ROLLING STONES ORIGINAL!!!! ... Why does this sound so freaking sloppy? ... DON'T THEY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THEIR OWN SONGS!!!! ... See if I freaking care if you write another bloody song again, if you refuse to *play* them. ... Where's the rhythm section? ... Where's that Charlie Watts fellow? Is he too busy trying on clothes to not play the drum not like a lazy monkey?

It's All Over Now 9.5/10

Ah! Now here's a bra removal moment! (*Screams hysterically* *removes bra*) The album seriously picks up in the lag that doodiehead previous track made with this pretty spiffy fast and catchy rocker. ... Um ... YAY!!! The electric guitar solo in here is *great*. It makes me *totally* not miss reviewing Journey right now.

2120 South Michigan Avenue 7/10

Hmmm... yesiree, this track has a pretty happenin' riff! But that's it. There's no words in it music and ... well ... I miss Jagger's vocals! Those power lips really can produce some mean sound, though, baby! ... We don't shell out money for Stones album without Mickey on it.

Under the Boardwalk 8/10

Now this is an old favorite (*not* the Stones' version of it, though), and I'm sure that no band can go wrong covering it! They did something *really weird* and *really eerie* to the chorus! ... Um ... it's rather alluring, actually, even though it's a bit too sloppy for me.

Congratulations 8/10

Or, more commonly spelled "Congradulations" ... Both are correct speelings 'round these parts! ... It's the third (turd) Rolling Stones original. It's not great, but ... the melody's pretty catchy and stuff. It sounds kinda Beatles-y but ... that's a good thing 'round these parts.

Grown Up Wrong 6.5/10

ANOTHER ORIGINAL!!! ... Um ... again, they'll get better at it. ... I believe they wrote Britney Spears' hit single "Satisfaction," so ... yah. This sounds a bit too lethargic and sloppy for taste. It's performed as if they don't care about it. And why should they? Bleh.

If You Need Me 7/10

Geez! This album is really starting to annoy me! Though this is better than that freaking previous original song was, but ... whatever. BLuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.

Suzie Q 8.5/10

Oooooo! Nice album closer, though! This one is a sort of Beatles-esque rocker that is as energetic as almost anything on here. It makes a good last impression of the album, but it's entirely too short ... (it runs under two minutes!) ... Oh well.

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