England's Newest #*$& Makers

Overall Album Score: 7.9 out of 10

That Mick Jagger-man does that dude look WEIRD! Oh...er...sorry.

This album is the very first that the Rolling Stones have ever made and boy is it spiffy! Well ... on second thought, the material here is just a teeny bit weak, BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?? IT'S R&B FROM THE EARLY 60S!!!! What makes this album legendary is the Stones's energetic and menacing performances. Indeed, that would the principle reason for you to enjoy this. England's Newest Hitmakers is for the performances and not necessarily the actual SONGS, even though many of them *are* nice.

Keith Richards is in good form, at least! His guitar pickin' and guitar virtuosin' is quite fetching indeed for such an ugly British chap. (I was *informed* that Keith Richards was ugly ... it's not necessarily the opinion of me or my parent company.) And Jagger is the greatest rock singer since, like, nobody.

Like most R&B people, The Stones weren't allowed to write many original songs. Heck, I'm not even sure if they wanted to write their own songs! I know The Kinks wanted to write their own ditties when they started out around this time ... The Beatles certainly did, too. But with the Rolling Stones? I'm not sure! They only have one original on here ("Tell Me") and ... ummm ... it's not *that* good. ... But that's fine. We know they'll get better.

Overall Score: 7.9 out of 10 (It's fun and will make your toes tap and/or your booty wiggle. ... Not a great album by today's standards, which accounts for my admittedly very shallow 7.9, but ... whatever. The album *does* kick, though, in many spots.)

Song score: 8.1 (This is pretty low for a Stones album! But, it's their first, and I'm not a big R&B fan! There are plenty of reasons to call many of these songs great, though. "I'm a King Bee" and "Route 66" are both freaking sweet.)

Album tilt: 7.5 (Eh... The weak songs at the end sort of ruin this one.)

Artist tilt: 8.0 (It sounds tame now, but this was quite a unique sound for 1964! Besides, they **really** know how to be a band. They defined it, and they were already doing it by this debut!)

Track Reviews

Not Fade Away 9/10

This is a strong opener for this album. 'Tis a cover of a Buddy Holly song and it makes me want to jiggle up and down upon my buttocks (as do most of the songs from this album). It shows everything that made Early Stones super duper ... It's perky and peppy. (Like a good woman.)

Route 66 10/10

Another toe tapper ... this, I believe, is a cover of an old 40's song. This is one of the stronger songs of this album, just because of its very nice, good old fashioned rock'n'roll instrumentation and ... ya know ... it was a good song in the first place. Very nice guitar work on this one! ... I can't imagine old style R&B being a whole lot better'n'this.

I Just Want to Make Love to You 8.5/10

Another mightily fun song to listen to. ... The Stones certainly know how to perform these songs! ...

Honest I Do 8/10

Okay, in the fourth track, the Stones have slowed down and finally gave us a slow song. You know ... it's all close and intimate and stuff! ... Um ... It's kind of boring, too, but ... whatever. I'm a boring person. I can take it.

Now I've Got a Witness 7/10

All right ... we're back rockin' with the quick rockers, except that this one doesn't have any lyrics. (People who don't like Jagger's lead singer abilities, please take note.) It feels like an organized jam ... and it's average but listenable. However, I don't normally like jams, so NEXT!

Little By Little 8/10

Back to the sweet little toe tappers! It's nothing we haven't seen before on this album, I guess, but ... YAY!!! WE'RE BACK TO THE TOE-TAPPERS! WOOT! And there's yet ANOTHER sweet electric guitar solo in here. ... It seems pretty tame now, but this was ***MEAN*** at the time.

I'm a King Bee 10/10

I love this song! It's one of the better ones in the album. It's more memorable than pretty much everything else in the album, and I really like what the Stones do with their guitars ... they make buzzing sounds! Woooo!!! ... The riff is so down, dirty, and sorta EVIL. ... And it's quite a good, catchy song, too.

Carol 9/10

Quite obviously a Chuck Berry cover, you'll enjoy rocking with this one more than the others. Playing the air guitar with this inevitable ... if yer that kind of guy! ... However, what this song does make me want to do is get up on this here desk and do a boogie ... Well, there's sort of a jet printer on my desk at the moment that's already pretty much broken and I don't want to move, but ... If I didn't have that jet printer there, then I'd be dancing on my desk like a foo.

Tell Me 7.5/10

Here is the first ever original Rolling Stones song ... and it proves they are quite good at writing melody. I like the chugga-chugga in the chorus. The melody is pretty catchy and stuff ... Yup. This is a good song, but it's just ... eh ... kinda boring. It sounds like a regular old 50s oldie, but ... it's their first! You've got to give them a little slack!

Can I Get a Witness 6/10

Isn't it a bit weird that the song titled "Can I Get a Witness" comes after "Now I've Got a Witness?" Um ... Is this some type of weirdo concept album or somethin'? Well, anyway, the low score-rating of this rocker is rather low because it's quite sterile ... but it still shows skill. This ain't phenomenal at all.

You Can Make it if You Try 5/10

Sorry ... I just can't get into this song. It's easily the sloppiest song in the entire album and I just don't care much for it at all. The melody is rather weak, too. ... So, bluh.

Walking the Dog 9/10

This is a nice closer for the album ... it's a nice, catchy, upbeat little number! ... Very happy, and pleasant. Sort of reminds me of an early Beatles song that wasn't a hit. Nice job, I say.

Is this review good enough for Her Majesty of the British Empire? Or is it merely good enough for the cockney flower girl? Leave your com-mints here!