Rise your mouse cursor thing and click this link to go to the main Styx page ... baby ... Happy to See You Overall Album Score: 6.7 out of 10 ...The Serpent is Rising ... to BITE YOU ON THE HEAD!!!!!!!!! ... Yeah, that might be more fun than listening to Styx's 1973 poopie AOR/progressive/something contribution to the Planet Earth! ...Okay, I've certainly listened to worse albums before ... by Styx, even ... so ... I'll try not to turn this review into a *dramatic* panning, anyway. SO WHAT THE HECK IS WITH STYX??? WHY CAN'T THEY WRITE ***SONGS***? I MEAN, A FREAKING TODDLER IS ABLE TO COME UP WITH CATCHIER OVERALL MELODIES BY POUNDING ON A FREAKING TOY XYLOPHONE!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!! DENNIS DEYOUNG CAN COME OVER MY HOUSE ANY FREAKING DAY OF THE WEEK (with his leather teddy) AND KISS MY BLOODY BACKSIDE (...really, it will be bloody ... and he will want to kiss it) AND ... UMMMMM ... I FORGOT WHAT ELSE!!!! Only one song really makes the grade in this album (other than the final two tracks, which ... I'm not sure technically qualify as songs seeing that one of them is just screaming noises and the other is a Handel cover). And that is "The Grove of Eglantine." It has a melody! (Yay!) You know a Styx album is in trouble when the album failed to produce a hit, though. ... So regular people don't even like this. (By regular people, I don't mean total egg noodle heads ... they'll eat anything...) Overall Album Score: 6.7 out of 10 (Comparatively speaking from Styx II, they take quite a dive! The material here is quite a bit weaker! ... There's not even a freaking hit on here!) Average Song Score: 7.0 (Uhhh ... not nearly as good as their last album, but it's still much better than their first album. ... This is still total wallop, though!) Album Tilt: 6.5 (A chore to sit through sometimes ... although, this is fairly consistent.) Artist Rating: 6.5 (I can still see Styx trying to be interesting with this album as a whole, but ... it's not working!!) Track Reviews Witch Wolf 6/10 This song is so freaking ***INSANE***. And it's not even ***INSANE*** in a good way. I mean that it's ***INSANE*** because it's driving me ***INSANE***. The song has Styx's-own style of pompous stupidity, utter loudness, and (unfortunately) a lack of distinctive melody. ... Yeah. This song is pointless. AOR music sucks. The Grove of Eglantine 8.5/10 Well, at least there is a discernable melody! (YAY!) And there are some hooks in it! And the chorus, really, is kind of fun and enjoyable. ... Yeah ... I don't really hat AOR music any longer. ... Besides which, I don't even think this is technically AOR anyway ... Doesn't matter! This bombastic, pompous, song is for the total geek in all of you freaking losers. Young Man 6/10 FARK!!!!!!!!! AOR music sucks again. Sorry about being so dang indecisive upon that point ... but these guys should either decide: Am I going to suck all the time, or am I going to be moderately awesome all the time? This song is a pretty headache-inducing anthem to something that's not really important. Add that with a heavy dose of pomp, a whiff of self-important, hold melody and taste, and you pretty much have "Young Man" by Styx. As Bad As This 7.5/10 ... This song title is too easy ... to make fun of ... Well, this song wouldn't be as bad as this if it wasn't so STUPID. ... Actually, this is probably one of the better songs on this album just because there isn't such a heightened sense of POMP here, thank goodness. But ... the self-importance is riddled throughout this thing. And then ... for neither rhyme nor reason ... a very Caribbean-sounding song strikes up and he (I think this is Cuchilliorimirmgir, however the heck you spell that freaking name) starts singing about a plexiglass toilet. It's very goofy, quirky and fun (though 10000 percent derivative) ... totally unlike the REAL Styx. So, the first part gets a 7 and the plexiglass toilet part gets an 8. Thank you. Winner Takes All 7.5/10 Didn't ABBA sing this song? ... Oh, no ... that was "Winner Takes *IT* All" ... Yeah ... Mustn't forget that article ... I miss reviewing ABBA, don't you? Why can't every freaking band out there be like them? Wouldn't the world be a great place? ... Sure, all the freaking punk-heads would go out of their minds, but ... they're doing that anyway ... This Styx song sure is stupid. But ... hey ... at least this utterly, shamelessly pompous song manages to gain enough momentum to take *me* along with it. ... Never a bad thing, you know! So ... this be a fine Styx song ... 22 Years 6.5/10 This song sounds almost exactly like "Winner Takes All," except I'm not able to get swept up in this whatsoever! ... This is a dull and melodiless piece of POOP that only total freaks like. (Yeah! I called you people a freak! BOO YAH!) Jonas Psalter 5/10 OH MY GAWSHHH, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SHUT THE BLOODY HECK UP!!!!! YEAH!!!! YOU GUYS ************STINK************. This is even worse than "22 Years" because not only is their a lot of noise, but the noise is ANNOYINGGGGG and there's a lot of stupid artistic pretension! ... Really! If I wanted artistic pretension, I would freaking listen to King Crimson! (...That said, the ending is nice enough even though it's "Greensleeves" verbatim ... probably the most pretentious bit of the song, when you think about it.) The Serpent is Rising 6.5/10 Why ... it's the first Styx title track! ... Ooooo, this is a historic event! ... And this song is freaking horrible. Heavy licks of the guitar ... giveth me a headache. The calmer instrumental interlude in the middle totally sucks, too. It's better than "Jonass Psalter," but it's not like that was a difficult fete to accomplish. ... But there is a bright side to this song. Those vocals are really wonderfully snarly! ... Too bad the song is stupid. Krakatoa 8/10 CRACK-a-toe-uh ... HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!! Isn't that the old thing we used to say in geometry class all the time for some reason. ... Oh wait ... that was Sochatoa ... or something (Sorry, this freaking album is making-a me go nuts!) ... Normally I would dislike songs like this. It's just Dennis DeYoung screaming words at the top of his lungs amidst crazy background music. ... But this is so freaking EVIL that ... crap! It's awesome! AOR doesn't suck anymore! Hallelujah Chours 8/10 I guess taking the lead from Johann Sebastian Bach, George Frideric Handel decided to come back from the dead and write Styx a minute-and-a-half long song for their new album! Thanks, George! Be the serpent ... be the commentor here! kimandmike72@juno.com (kuzzi) received Jan. 25, 2006 If you're going to be so thorough with your criticism, then why aren't you as thorough when you list the songs on the album? Where is your comment on "Plexiglass Toilet"? Guess you ran out of freakins, huh? Don Ignacio responds: Plexiglass Toilet-- it's the down the hallway, third door to the left ... you'll find it inside "As Bad as This."

All reviews are copyrighted by Michael Lawrence. So Biff wants to be a buff.