Return to ABBA before it's too late!


Ring Ring -- Hallo Mom? Um... Get Me Da Hell Outuv Sveeden! Fer Dah Luf uf GOD!


Overall Album Score: 0.8 out of 10

This album leaves me with mixed feelings - every time I listen to it, I'm never sure whether I should throw it in a vat of elephant dung or simply have it cremated. Then I think to myself: "Both of those methods would either destroy this album, or make it smell really bad ... but will it make up for the suffering that it caused me?"

Excuse me as I digress a little bit. One time, our house was being invaded by ants (I bet they were Communist ants too, if you please) and they apparently found something very tasty in our microwave. And do you know what my mom did? SHE CLOSED THE DOOR AND TURNED IT ON HIGH!!!! We watched with dire interest. And do you know what happened to these poor suckers? THEY MELTED! What a death! Would you like to die by melting? Not I! (And I mean, this is worse than the melting death of the Wicked Witch of the West because she only disintegrated - and she wasn't NEARLY as evil as this album.)

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that throwing Ring Ring by ABBA in the microwave and melting the sucker isn't even cruel enough. I think we should probably stab it, pour gasoline on it, set it on fire, throw it off the Empire State Building, have Oprah Winfrey sit on it, throw it inside a sperm whale to get digested, and then put it inside a nuclear reaction chamber. Still, I'm not sure that would make up for pain listening to this album causes me. IT'S PAINFUL! GARRRGGRGRGGGGGGG!!!!!

So far, I haven't run across anybody's debut album that is so BAD before. The only one that comes close in my somewhat limited musical knowledge is David Bowie's debut album - but at least that one doesn't have me at near-suicide.

And I am DEAD serious when I say that I like ABBA. This is a terrible thing to admit if I want people to think that there's some intelligence lurking within my cranium. But I really do like this band - they are about the only ones who can write such refreshingly enjoyable songs. (Indeed... the only band that can truthfully hold a candle to this one melody-wise are The Beatles.) In later albums, ABBA still performs bubble gum songs, but you can enjoy them and not feel sick at the same time. "Mamma Mia" is a prime example. It's very upbeat and simpleminded - but at the same time, the near-perfect melody is interesting, feel good, and, in short, it's almost perfectly in tuned with what we human beings like to hear. Of course, "intelligent" people are turned off by the band because pop artists, like ABBA, tend to write very shallow music. That is true, and I can clearly see what some people have against this band.

So it took a lot of guts for me to admit that I like ABBA (I won't, of course, tell this to strangers who like to hang out in basement coffee shops). However, everything I like about ABBA is magically missing from this album. Where'd it go?! HRUH?! Where's MUSIC, baby? All this album consists of is crap melodies. (Of course the lyrics are crap, too.) Each and every one of these songs is among the purest crap to ever grace the bottom of a toilet. (The title track of this album is okay ... but it still needs its rectum flushed.) Holy Moses! They're this ridiculously awful, generic 60's sunshine pop numbers that's horrendously bad and isn't worth my spit after eating animal droppings. (Not that I really eat animal droppings.)

ABBA: Thank you for the music on your later albums, but for letting this album go to print, you have to spend an extra eternity in Hell.


Overall Album Score: 0.8 (An absolutely hideous score for an absolutely hideous album. It should never have gone to print - they should have destroyed the master tapes.)


Average Song Score: 1.5 (I'm surprised it ever got this high. There are some agreeable tunes in it, I suppose, but nothing I'd scored above a 5. There were four zeroes and one song received a 0minus - which is the worst score conceivable to mankind.)

Album Tilt: 0 (This album's excruciatingly painful and hopelessly cheesy, generic quality is rarely surpassed. For some reason, I'm opting to leave off the minus tag on this score.)

Artist Rating: 1 (If this was their fifth album, it would be a different story, but it's their first, so I will refrain from giving it a zero, even though they rightfully deserve it. Their next album, Waterloo, is also awful, but compared to this pig's garbage, it's divine. ABBA won't shine until their third, self-titled album.)


Track Reviews

(Oh no! You're not going to put me through the torture of actually having to think and write about these songs, are you? Oh you're cruel. You're an absolutely, hideously BAD person. I'll never forgive you for this. NEVER!!):

Ring Ring 5/10

Okay ... this song actually isn't so terrible. It's not particularly painful as long as you only listen to it once. However, this song is the best indicator of what ABBA was about to turn into (about two more albums down the line). The music is bouncy, and the melody is pretty good and somewhat complicated. But I still consider this song entirely mediocre. Thankfully, however, it's not nearly as brain numbing as what's to come. Apparently, it later evolved into "Mamma Mia" so why don't we just listen to that instead?

Another Town, Another Train 5/10

This song is rather pleasant ... (I bet you're wondering where these hideously bad tunes are ... just you wait, they're coming up.) It starts out with a floot and one uv the guys singing. (Benny and Bjorn singing in ABBA songs becomes increasingly rarer on later albums, thankfully enough, because Frida and Agnetha are much better singers!) Well, I suppose this song won't bring me to committing suicide, but just follow me to the next one ... if you dare!!

Disillusion 0/10

*Dramatic scene where I commit suicide by sticking a fork in a light socket*

Hi. It's me again. My spirit has been floating around for a little while and I'm temporarily possessing the body of another person (Jane Fonda) just so I can finish typing this review. I don't know why, though - I just came back from hanging around in the women's locker rooms... Well, they always used to kick me out before!

I was planning on scoring this song a negative octillion out of 10, but it wouldn't register in my calculator. Oh well. My objection to this song is that it's so generic! It's subject matter aims for the heart ... but the only way it can succeed in that respect is through a self-inflected wound. This is crap -- hideous crap. By the way, this song was co-written by Agnetha. (Might have SOMETHING to do with it.)

People Need Love 0minus/10

After listening to this, the previous track that was so horrible almost sounds good. #*#%! This is not only generic, but so incredibly corny that desperate farmers come from afar to get the recipe. The worst song on the album, but not by far. Why do I bother? ABBA: go jump off a fjord.

I Saw in the Mirror 0/10

Hey! Did you know these guys have an accent? Not only are their accents particularly heavy on this track - but the track SUCKS! Oh! This collection of songs doesn't even DESERVE constructive criticism - I'm just going to call them names until I turn blue at the mouth. This song in particular is a pile of *#&$. This song isn't even worthy to be printed on Satan's toilet paper. ABBA: You can't see anything in that mirror because I broke it with your skulls.

Nina Pretty Ballerina 1.5/10

You know what? At this point in the album, this track sounds really good. Well, it does have its good parts (of course I'm speaking about melody) ... but its chorus is rather painful, and it sounds like they were shooting for something reminiscent of the title track of Sgt. Pepper's - but it fails in every degree. This song isn't particularly painful - but it is terrible, and I'd be happy just to avoid it.

Love Isn't Easy (But it Sure is Hard...) 2.5/10

That's quite a brilliant observation there, guys. It must have given someone quite a headache to figure that one out. Who would have ever thought that if love isn't easy, then it's hard. I'm surprised they didn't get some sort of award for this absolutely stunning observation. I mean, that's something that would make even Socrates wet his pants. If they would have thought about that when Einstein was still alive, he might have had to rethink the theory of relativity. Well, this song is still very generic and corny, but with the somewhat decent melody, it's not so unbearable. But still -- ARG! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! (*Continues reviewing tracks very reluctantly*)

Me and Bobby and Bobby's Brother 2/10

Get a load of this: "Yes, there was be and Bobby and Bobby's Brudder!" HAH! HAH! HAH! That's what you get for being SWEDISH! Yah, yah, dat dere is a fargen pargen dargen bargain! Oh, this melody is tolerable so I awarded it a two out of goodwill. (I was rather hoping the Swedish Chef from the Muppets would make a guest appearance on this album ... oh only if I were so lucky...)

He is Your Brother 3/10 Oh, I suppose this song is all right when taken in the context of the entire album. At least it has an interesting and -- if it didn't have to repeat so gawshdern much -- a decent melody. (Just to give me another laugh, they put a second track in a row to sport the word "Brudder.") This is actually one of the better songs in the album ... but that's like saying that the bubonic plague is one of the better plagues.

She's My Kind of Girl 0.5/10

The guys (Benny and Bjorn-face) SHOULD NOT SING! Oh this song still makes me sick, but not quite to the point of vomiting. (I have a headache.)

I Am Just a Girl 0/10

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Having finally figured out that you're just a girl must have also been a startling revolution, as it was for me when I turned into Jane Fonda.) I'm running out of clever synonyms for "This is crap" unfortunately, but it IS crap of the holiest kind.

Rock & Roll Band 1/10

Ooo! Are we rocking now! The electric guitar here is VERY prominent. Never has this fine instrument been so disgraced. The melody here is a bit more interesting, but this song really loses out on its extremely BAD instrumentation.

OH THANK YOU! THIS IS THE LAST TRACK! I AM DONE! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL NEVER LISTEN TO THIS *#$&#*&$*&#*&$ ALBUM AS LONG AS I SHALL LIVE IN JANE FONDA'S BODY!


Is this album review true to life? Or, should I commit suicide again? Leave your comments here.


matthew.storms@gvc.edu (matthew storms) received August 22, 2004

Better than Let It Bleed. Borderline 11
-


All reviews are copyrighted by the late author.