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Arabesque
LIST OF ARABESQUE REVIEWS: Arabesque (1978)
The most common question I receive about my Arabesque reviews is: Why do you have Arabesque reviews? I have an easy answer to this: Why not? I chose to review this band completely at random, and this is possibly most useless page on the site. I am committing myself to rewriting these reviews sometime in the not-so-distant future, but until then, I dedicate this page to fondly commemorate this little known Euro-pop band. Leave your thoughts about Arabesque here.
Arabesque (1978)Album Score: 4I swear. I have this strange fascination with music that is ABSOLUTE CRAP that it might actually be a perversion. Why do I do it? I don't know! Let's tap into my brainwaves with this newly patented brainwave-reader I developed last week (that's not quite ready for public distribution). I'm turning it on now … YOUR BRAIN WAVETHS READ: ..........#*@&@*#(@*#&$*#*(@*#*(@*#&$&#($() #*@)(#)($*#(($))#*#&@^$*&*#@&#(*#($*%Y@(*#Y() @*#)Y%(@*#Y&@#*&#@^$@#%$(*&#@^($&@^#*&%&*@*# (@*#&@%*&^@#*$^*@#^$*&@^##&%^*@&#^%*&*$*@(@(#%...... [excuse me, I still have some kinks to work out first. Let me try it again.]... YOUR BRAIN WAVETHS READ: ...Zzzzzzzzzzzz...Helloooo, Hellooo, Mr. Monkey ... You're still so fast and funky ... Hello, hello, Mr. Monkey... You should have been a cloooooooooownnn... Hmmm... That didn't exactly answer the question I was looking for, but that did answer another question: why it is important to stay away from this album. No matter how much you deny yourself, after giving it a listen, you are going to get "Hello, Mr. Monkey" stuck in your head for all eternity. Stay away from it at all costs. I'm dead serious. You'll never forgive yourself. In fact, I'm being pretty dubious for merely advertising its existence. You probably hadn't even heard of Arabesque before reading this. I'm glad that I could be of un-assistance. I wasn't expecting much, but here's what I got. ABBA wannabes! This is third-rate Europop. Unfortunately, the songwriters aren't nearly as solid as good old Bjorn and Benny were, and so there is absolutely no point in listening to Arabesque when you can pop in another ABBA album again-simply put! This group is comprised of three girls ... all of them German ... all of them hot---scratch that ... not all of them ... most of them were hot ... But, did they have talent? Hmmm.... Hey, the line-up here is completely different than the later Arabesque albums (as if anyone cares). Michaela Rose, Heike Rimbeau and Mary Ann Nail are the three singers. On the next album, Heike and Mary Ann were replaced by Sandra Lauer (goes just by "Sandra") and Jasmin Elisabeth Vetter. Never research the history of an unknown Euro-pop band on the Internet. This Web site I visited (translated from German on my browser) says that Michaela Rose was in charge of the "gas turbines," and then I read the following curious statement: "The data are quite contradictory, clear seem however that Michaela was rose from the outset thereby. The reasons for the frequent Umbesetzungen lie to a large extent unknown. A reason, which is more frequently called, is a pregnancy." Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque II (1979)Album Score: 2Don Ignacio's Last Will and Testament To whom it may concern, this is the last will and testament of Don Ignacio dated March 29, 2004, AD. After having listened to Arabesque II by the little known German Europop band, Arabeque, I decided it was a good time to end my life. The album was really awful, but the fact that they included another version of "Hello, Mr. Monkey" at the end of it is really what made me want to kick the bucket a little bit earlier than I should have. I was going to commit suicide inside of my bathtub via electrocution with a toaster, but I couldn't find an extension cord. I'm still wet and my fingers are really wrinkly from sitting there all morning trying to figure out how to power the toaster without using electricity (I tried rubbing two bars of soap together over the plug, but my knowledge from Boy Scouts failed me there). Nevertheless, I decided that I should write a last will and testament considering that I'm not a minor and I have some stuff that people might want. After writing this, I think I'm going to try stabbing my temples with two forks. I have no children, but if somebody should seduce my corpse and develop children, then they are entitled to all of my possessions. My property includes about 84 blank CD-R's, 20 cans of Diet Coke (I've got Lemon flavored and Lime flavored), two gerbils (the cage belongs to my parents), a worn photograph of Ethel Merman (not naked) in my wallet, and about $74 in my checking account. Likewise, I do not have a wife, but if someone were to marry my corpse (before it rots), then they would be entitled to all the aforementioned property. Unless anyone can claim to be my posthumous child or posthumous wife, then I wish for my property be auctioned off and the funds may be divided amongst honorable charities that begin with the letter "Q." With the $74 in my checking account, I wish to establish a foundation that will periodically purchase Star Wars figurines to donate to male K-State college students to play with. I used to be a male K-State college student, and Star Wars figurines is something that I might have appreciated. I know it was kind of a sudden thing for me to commit suicide all of the sudden, but what can I say? Nobody loves me, and I've had "Hello, Mr. Monkey" stuck in my head for weeks. AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOREEEEEE!!!!!!!! Farewell, cruel recording industry! Signed, DON IGNACIO P.S. (It is entirely useless for me to review Arabesque albums, and there is really no reason for me to touch them. But I have them, so I shall touch them ... all over. I molested this Arabesque album. And I can tell you that this one is BAD! BAAAD! Arabesque also steals stuff from ABBA. And the Beatles. And The Who. And from all sorts of other bands that I probably wasn't keen enough to spot. Note that Sandra and Jasmin Elisabeth Vetter joined the group at this point. I'm not sure what exactly compelled the band managers to replace them with these people. Maybe they were cuter or something. I'm not one to deny them that. Still, Sandra wears false teeth --- I'm almost positive. I re-looked at that close picture of her face, and the teeth look FAKE! I think I'm going to the media with this discovery. Oh! And Michaela Rose is still in charge of the gas turbines! Maybe she would let me stick my head in them? Oh wait, let me see if stabbing my temples works first ... Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque III (1980)Album Score: 4Cute. Well, at least this doesn't give me any reason to start foaming at the mouth or write suicide notes or anything. But, Arabesque's third album is just cute. Perhaps it's too cute. In fact, it's so cute that I'm starting to not like cute stuff anymore. I think I'm just going to get this metallic baseball bat and this poster of Bambi I've had ever since I was a kid, and --- *BAM BAM!!!* TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID, CUTE DEER THING!!!!!!! I AM BEATING YOUR HEAD IN WITH A METALLIC BASEBALL BAT!!!!! HAH-HAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! This album actually starts off rather well, even though this is such dull Euro-pop that ... that ... rrrrrrggggggggg ... Really, I don't know why I'm reviewing this band. I need help. Somebody; anybody. Please. I need your help. No not you, Mr. Monkey. Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque IV (1980)Album Score: 5O, Arabesque. What a qualm thy hast had with thee! I hath listened to thy music, and it hath sucked. Thy music hath made me want to tare outeth mine own hair follicles even though it is fallin' outeth already. One time in particular, it hath inspired me to inscribe a suicide note in response to one of thy albums and mutilateth a picture of a deer. We hath had some monumentally crappy times together ... and as I were biting my lips, preparing for the worst for thy fourth album startlingly titled Arabesque IV, I was hit with surprise. There were some genuinely warm moments in thy album. Previous to this, I hath never giveth an Arabesque song more than a 7.5. But there was songs that deserveth an 8! I giveth an 8 not once, not twice, and not thrice ... but four-ice! (I haven't read enough Shakespeare.) Of course, most of the other songs sucketh my extremities, but still. I was quite taken aback! Alright. Enough of that Shakespearean poo. For an album to get an overall score of a five after listening to this band's first three desecrations to society, is almost like asking Aerosmith to write Let it Bleed! But it happened! And pigs flew! Really ... if Arabesque would have removed all the utter crap in this album (which comprises of half the album), they might have had a halfway decent EP. But, of course, I digress, for this band is not actually real. But they did have a few very decent songs in here. So, the outlook on Planet Earth isn't so hopeless after all! Old Yeller might live! Hooray! Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque V (1981)Album Score: 4It's the fifth time around, and the band is sexier than ever. Man, if today was 1981, I'd go to Germany right now, go to the recording studio, find these total babes and ask them WHAT THE CRAP IS THE GAS TURBINE FOR???? ... They must be using these to counterfeit orange juice coupons. I'm not sure how they would accomplish this, but I have my suspicions ... ANYWAY, their music surely hasn't improved since their previous album. They're still up to no good -- that is, the same old, same old stuff. I did feel like giving two of these songs 8.5s ... there are two actual SOLID songs in here, to my surprise. Perhaps the aftershock of "Hello, Mister Monkey" is deteriorating the music appreciation area of my brain at a steady, nearly unnoticeable rate like acid left on your fingers. What's interesting about this album is that their shift away from doing strictly disco / Euro-pop mirrors with ABBA's shift. A few of these tracks are just like songs that appeared on Super Trooper except they're weird space alien versions. Most notably, "Indio Boy" is a direct response to "The Piper." ... This is some weiiiiird stuff, man........... I'll tell ya. Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque VI (1982)Album Score: 3OH, CRAP! I'M AT IT AGAIN!!!!! Don't I have anything more important to be getting on with? I mean ... I already reviewed FIVE Arabesque albums ... I don't see the point in reviewing a SIXTH. I mean, there's a certain amount of duty, I guess, to review the entire discography of an "artist" if I can, but ... WHY!!! And it is PHENOMENAL how much this album rips off ABBA. And, what's more, it is PHENOMENAL that they ***STILL*** manage to make their songs sound like crap! ... This is just ... GOSH ... I can't even explain these very un-Christian emotions of raw feeling I have toward this. ... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! It's just mind-boggling to me about how Arabesque could accomplish this. I mean, part of the entire appeal of ABBA is the way their songs are produced! ... Very lush, very appealing ... of course ABBA's songs wouldn't be classics if the melodies weren't so freaking awesome, but ... they just wouldn't be ABBA songs without the arrangements. Arabesque basically copies ABBA's production techniques here on about eight of these tracks word-for-word, basically ... and at many points you can, without assistance, automatically tell precisely which ABBA songs certain bits were lifted from. Oddly enough, all these production tricks were at the sacrifice of actual melody. The previous two Arabesque albums, I vividly recall, had a handful of melodies that I thought the band's songwriters weren't capable of even if someone was holding a gun to their heads. This album has none of that, unfortunately. I will say this: If these songs were produced like they were on Arabesque's debut or Arabesque II, I would be writing another suicide note. There's NOTHING that gets to me like "Hello, Mister Monkey." Nothing here that'll eat into your senses like a leach. However, this album will probably have you groaning and longing for music that you never thought you'd ever long for (such as Styx). Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque VII (1982)Album Score: 5GURRIETIHNGMTIEUROGNEOPEORIP!!!!!!!!!!! That's the monkey talking. It's been about three years since I reviewed the first Arabesque creation, and Mr. Monkey is still picking at my brain. Thank goodness I graduated college a few months ago, or my GPA would have really slipped. And now here I am *eyes begin to well* subjecting myself to this bad Europop music for a reason that I forgot. *cries louder* I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ........ OK, I should promise myself to not commit suicide during this review. I know that's a difficult temptation to resist, but ... I promise myself here and---HEY, BRAIN!! I SEE YOU EYEING THAT BOTTLE OF PILLS!!! YOU ARE *NOT* GOING TO MAKE MY HANDS REACH FOR THE BOTTLE!!!!!! (It's good that I need both of these hands to type...... all this incessant typing saved my life.) So, what's it with this group, anyway? Despite that I lived a decent amount of life between Arabesque albums, I still haven't found the answer to what they needed gas turbines for. But at least there's a few good turns on this album that's worthy of a mention. True, nothing too excellent enough to have received anything higher than an 8 and that's why this album doesn't quite rank as their best. But the supporting material is slightly better (as well as the truly dismal nonsense down there such as "Prison of Love" and the tropicana "Surfing the Bahama." Some songs like "Moorea" and "Zanzibar" had some nice ideas, instrumentally, but the melodies were so dull and derivative that it robbed the song of any potential. As far as choosing a best song goes, I'd definitely have to pick the album opener, "Why No Reply?" Yes, it's a disco song released in 1982, but it steals enough from ABBA to be engaging. And with that, I say...... uhhhhhhhhh .... nice costumes? Read the track reviews and reader comments:
Arabesque VIII (1983)Album Score: 5Now I've reached a stage in my music blogging career when I want to start being relatively useful. Not so much insightful, but just constructive. With the exception of Arabesque VII I wrote three or four months ago, the other Arabesque reviews came from the days when I was trying to be funny and not useful whatsoever. (Really, that was one of my original aims as a reviewer. I can't be smart like the other reviewers on the 'Net, so I'd might as well be entertaining. Except I was never that entertaining.) But then I was thinking, how am I possibly supposed to be constructive about Arabesque? A hopelessly cheap and corny ABBA rip-off???? I originally chose then so that I could rip into them like a jackal preying on an especially weak gazelle. Now I have a desire to apologize to it and try to get it back on its feet........... But what the heck am I supposed to actually do with this band? I wrote all the track reviews on this album with the most apologetic mentality possible, and .............. Well, geez! What do they want from me??? The best song on here is "Dance Dance Dance" but it only gets the distinction because it hilariously reminds me of a cheap '80s workout video. I could try pointing out other "good" aspects of this album, but I'm really stretching matters. Even the Marc Anthony reviews I was working on just prior to this --- if he came out with an album like this, I would rip it to shreds!! ... Well, at least Arabesque prove to me that they're better than The Countdown Singers, but not by much. Read the track reviews and reader comments:
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All reviews are written by Michael Lawrence.
